iil  lit'  ^ 

!|!liill!|l!l|!iii!iii|!lll!!iiift'!! 


Digitized  by 

the  Internet  Archive 

in  2014 

https://archive.org/details/completenonsense00lear_1 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE 
BOOK 


THE  COMPLETE  NON- 
SENSE BOOK 


BY 

EDWARD  LEAR 

Containing  all  the  Original  Pictures  and  Verses,  together  with  New  Material 

Edited  by 
LADY  STRACHEY 

OF  SUTTON  COURT 

Introduction  by 
THE  EARL  OF  CROMER 

O.  C.  B.,  O.  C.  M.  O.,  K.  C.  S.  I. 


NEW  YORK 

DUFFIELD  &  COMPANY 
1912 


CoFiTRiaHT,  1912,  BY 

CONSTANCE.  LADY  STRACHEY 


TO  THE 

CREAT-OBANDCHILOREN,    GBANI>-NEPHEWS,    AKB  OBANU-NIECEB 
OF  EDWARD,    13tH   EARL  OF  DERBT, 

THIS   BOOK   OF  DRAWINGS   AND  VER8E8 

(The  greater  part  of  which  were  originally  made  and  composed  for  their  parents,) 

3a  Jigbicateh  btj  ti^e  Antliar 

Edward  Lear. 

London,  186S. 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 

PREFACE  BY  LORD  CROMER   9 

EDITOR'S  NOTE   23 

LEAR'S  INTRODUCTION  TO  MORE  NONSENSE  SONGS  AND 

STORIES   25 

THE  BIRD  BOOK   29 

QUEERY  LEARY  NONSENSE 

Mrs.  Blue  Dickey-Bird  .33 

Drawings  for  Mother  Goose   34 

Illustrations  for  The  Owl  and  the  Pussy  Cat   41 

Pittacus    Pollywhobble  .42 

Foss                                                                                        .  45 

Ger-woman  and  Ger-man   46 

At  Dingle  Bank   47 

Spots  of  Greece      .   .48 

Epitaph   48 

The  Youthful  Cove   49 

Mrs.  Jaypher  .51 

THE  BOOK  OF  NONSENSE 

There  was  an  Old  Man  with  a  nose  .  55 

There  was  a  Young  Person  of  Smyrna  ........  55 

There  was  an  Old  Man  on  a  hill   56 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Chili   56 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Kilkenny   57 

There  was  an  Old  Man  with  a  gong   57 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Columbia   58 

There  was  an  Old  Man  in  a  tree  .   58 

There  was  an  Old  Lady  of  Chertsey   59 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  whose  chin   59 

There  was  an  Old  Man  with  a  flute   60 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Portugal   60 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Ischia   61 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Vienna   61 

[vii] 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

There  was  an  Old  Man  in  a  boat  .......     .    >•    .  62 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Buda   62 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Moldavia   63 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Hurst   63 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Madras   64 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Dover   64 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Cadiz   ........  65 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Leeds   65 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  Isles   66 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Basing   66 

There  was  an  Old  Man  who  supposed  .   67 

There  was  an  Old  Person  whose  habits   67 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  West   68 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Marseilles   68 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  Wrekin  .69 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  whose  nose  .69 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Apulia  .........  70 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Quebec  .  70 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Norway   71 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Bute   71' 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Philae  .     ,   72 

There  was  an  Old  Man  with  a  poker   72 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Peru   73 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Prague   73 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  North   74 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Troy   74 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Melrose   75 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Tring   75 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Mold   76 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  Nile   77 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Nepaul   78 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  th'  Abruzzi   78 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Calcutta   79 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Rhodes  ........  79 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  South   80 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  Dee   81 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Lucca   81 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Coblenz   82 

[  viii  ] 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Bohemia  82 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Corfu  88 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Vesuvius   83 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Dundee  .84 

There  was  an  Old  Lady  whose  folly  85 

There  was  an  Old  Man  on  some  rocks  ........  86 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Rheims  86 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Leghorn  .87 

There  was  an  Old  Man  in  a  pew  87 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Hull  88 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Button  88 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Troy  .89 

There  was  an  Old  Man  who  said,  "How  89 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Bangor  ........  90 

There  was  an  Old  Man  who  said,  "Hush !  90 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Russia  91 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Tyre  .91 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Jamaica  92 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  East  92 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  Coast  93 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Kamschatka  93 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Gretna  94 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Tartary  94 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Berlin  95 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  West  95 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Cheadle  96 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Anerley  96 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Whitehaven  97 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Wales  98 

There  was  an  Old  Man  with  a  beard  99 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Welling  100 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Sweden  .101 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Chester   101 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  Cape  102 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Burton  103 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Ems  104 

There  was  an  Old  Lady  of  Prague   .104 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Poole  105 

There  was  a  Young  Girl  of  Majorca  105 

[ix] 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Parma  i.,    i.  106 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Sparta   .  106 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Turkey   107 

There  was  an  Old  Man  on  whose  nose   .  108 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Aosta   108 

There  was  a  Young  Person  of  Crete   109 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Clare   110 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Dorking   110 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Cape  Horn   Ill 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Cromer   112 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  Hague   113 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Spain   114 

There  was  an  Old  Man  who  said,  "Well!   115 

There  was  an  Old  Man  with  an  Owl   116 

There  was  an  Old  Man  in  a  casement   117 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Ewell   118 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Peru   119 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Ryde   120 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  whose  eyes   120 

There  was  an  Old  Man  with  a  beardi   121 

There  was  a  Yourag  Lady  whose  bonnet  ,.  .121 

NONSENSE  SONGS  AND  STORIES 

The  Owl  and  the  Pussy-Cat   .  125' 

The  Duck  and  the  Kangaroo   .  127 

The  Daddy  Long-Legs  and  the  Fly  130 

The  Jumblies  134 

The  Nutcrackers  and  the  Sugar-Tongs  137 

Calico  Pie  139 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Spiky  Sparrow  142 

The  Broom,  the  Shovel,  the  Poker  and  the  Tongs  145 

The  Table  and  the  Chair  147 

The  Story  of  the  Fouir  Little  Children  Who  Went  Around  the  World  149 

THE  HISTORY  OF  THE  SEVEN  FAMILIES  OF  THE  LAKE 

PIPPLE-POPPLE  169 

THE  HISTORY  OF  THE  SEVEN  YOUNG  PARROTS  .  .  .176 
THE  HISTORY  OF  THE  SEVEN  YOUNG  STORKS  .  .  .  .178 
THE  HISTORY  OF  THE  SEVEN  YOUNG  GEESE  .     .     .  .180 

THE  HISTORY  OF  THE  SEVEN  YOUNG  OWLS  182 

[x] 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 

THE  HISTORY  OF  THE  SEVEN  YOUNG  GUINEA  PIGS  .     .  183 

THE  HISTORY  OF  THE  SEVEN  YOUNG  CATS   184 

THE  HISTORY  OF  THE  SEVEN  YOUNG  FISHES  .     .     ,  .185 

OF  WHAT  OCCURRED  SUBSEQUENTLY   186 

OF  WHAT  BECAME  OF  THE  PARENTS  OF  THE  FORTY-NINE 

CHILDREN   188 

CONCLUSION   189 

NONSENSE  COOKERY 

Extract  from  "The  Nonsense  Gazette,"  for  August,  1870.     .     .  193 

THREE  RECEIPTS  FOR  DOMESTIC  COOKERY 

To  make  an  Amblongus  Pie   194' 

To  Make  Crumbobblious  Cutlets   195 

To  make  Gosky  Patties   196 

NONSENSE  BOTANY 

Barkia   Howlaloudia   199 

Enkoopia   Chickabiddia  .199 

Jinglia  Tinkettlia   200 

Nasticreechia  Krorfuppia   200 

Arthbroomia  Rigida   201 

Sophtsluggia  Glutinosa   201 

Minspysia  Deliciosa   202 

Shoebootia  Utilis   202 

Stunnia  Dinnerbellia   203 

Tickia  Orologica   203 

Washtubbia  Circularis   204 

Tigerlillia  Terribilis   204 

Second  Series 

Baccopipia  Gracilis   207 

Bottlephorkia  Spoonifolia   207 

Cockatooca  Superba   208 

Fishia  Marina   208 

Guittara  Pensilis   209 

Manypeeplia  Upsidownia   209 

Phattfacia   Stupenda   210 

Piggiwiggia  Pyramidalis   210 

Plumbunnia    Nutritiosa   211 

PoUybirdia  Singularis   211 

[xi] 


CONTENTS 

PAOE 

Armchairia  Comfortabilis   215 

Bassia  Palealensis   215 

Bubblia  Blowpipia   216 

Bluebottlia  Buzztilentia   216 

Crabbia  Horrida   217 

Smalltoothcombia  Domestica   217 

Knutmigrata  Simplice   218 

Tureenia  Ladlecum   218 

Puffia  Leatherbellowsa   219 

Queeriflora  Baby  bides   219 

NONSENSE  ALPHABETS 

A  was  an  ant   223 

A  was  once  an  apple-pie   248 

A  was  an  ape   270 

ONE  HUNDRED  NONSENSE  PICTURES  AND  RHYMES 

There  was  a  Young  Person  of  Bantry   293 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Minety   293 

There  was  an  Old  Man  at  a  Junction   294 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Thermopylae   294 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Deal   295 

There  was  an  Old  Man  on  the  Humber   295 

There  was  an  Old  Man  in  a  barge   296 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Toulouse   296 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Dunrose   297 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Bree   297 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Shields   298 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Bromley   298 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Dunluce   299 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Dee-side   299 

There  was  an  Old  Person  in  black   300 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  Dargle   300 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Pinner   301 

There  was  an  Old  Man  in  a  Marsh   801 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  China   302 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Brill   802 

There  was  an  Old  Man  at  a  Station   80S 

[Xii] 


CONTENTS 

FAOE 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Wick   303 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Three  Bridges   304 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Hong  Kong   304 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Fife   305 

There  was  a  Young  Person  in  green   305 

There  was  an  Old  Man  who  screamed  out   306 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  in  white   306 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Slough   307 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Down   307 

There  was  a  Young  Person  in  red   308 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Hove   308 

There  was  a  Young  Person  in  pink   309 

There  was  an  Old  Lady  of  France   309 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Putney   310 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Loo   310 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Woking   311 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Dean   311 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  in  blue   312 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Pisa   312 

There  was  an  Old  Man  in  a  garden   313 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Florence   313 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Sheen   314 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Cashmere   314 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Ware   315 

There  was  a  Young  Person  of  Janina   315 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Pctt   316 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Cassel   316 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Spithead   317 

There  was  an  Old  Man  on  the  Border   817 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Dumbree   818 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Filey   318 

There  was  an  Old  Man  whose  remorse   319 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Ibreem   319 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Wilts   320 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Grange   320 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Dumblane   321 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  El  Hums   321 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  West  Dumpet   822 

[  xiii  ] 


CONTENTS 

FAOE 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Port  Grigor   322 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Newry  .    ,   323 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Sark   323 

There  was  an  Old  Man  whose  despair   324 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Barnes   324 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Nice   325 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Greenwich   325 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Cannes   326 

There  was  an  Old  Person  in  grey   326 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Hyde   327 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Ickley   327 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Ancona   328 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Sestri   328 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Blythe  •  .  329 

There  was  a  Young  Person  of  Ayr   329 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Rimini   330 

There  is  a  Young  Lady,  whose  nose   330 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Ealing   331 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Thames  Ditton   331 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Bray   332 

There  was  a  Young  Person  whose  history   332 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Bow   333 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Rye   333 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Crowle   334« 

There  was  an  Old  Lady  of  Winchelsea   334 

There  was  an  Old  Man  in  a  tree   335 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Corsica   335 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Stroud   336 

There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Firle   336 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Boulak   337 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Skye   337 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Blackheath   338 

There  was  an  Old  Man,  who  when  little   339 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Dundalk   340 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Shoreham   341 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Bar   342 

There  was  a  Young  Person  of  Kew   343 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Jodd   344 

[xiv] 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Bude   345 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Brigg   346 

There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Messina   347 

AN  ALPHABET 

The  Absolutely  Abstemious  Ass   348 

LAUGHABLE  LYRICS 

The  Dong  with  a  Luminous  Nose   363 

The  Two  Old  Bachelors   367 

The  Pelicans   369 

The  Pelican  Chorus   370 

The  Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo   373 

The  Courtship  of  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo   374 

The  Pobble  Who  Has  No  Toes   379 

The  New  Vestments   381 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Discobbolos   383 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Discobbolos,  Second  Part   385 

The  Quangle  Wangle's  Hat   388 

The  Cummerbund,  An  Indian  Poem   391 

The  Akond  of  Swat   393 

Incidents  in  the  Life  of  My  Uncle  Arly   395 

Eclogue   397 

NONSENSE  ALPHABETS 

A  was  an  Area  Arch   405 

A  tumbled  down   419 

HOW  PLEASANT  TO  KNOW  MR.  LEAR   420 

FROM  THE  LETTERS 

O!  Mimber  for  the  County  Louth   425 

There  was  an  Old  Man  who  Felt  Pert   426 

But  ah!  (the  Landscape  Painter  said),   426 

There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Paxo   426 

Tennysonian  Parodies   427 

O !  Chichester,  my  Carlingford !  .     .     .    427 

Saith  the  Poet  of  Nonsense   428 

When  "Grand  Old  Men"  persist  in  folly  .,   428 

It  is  a  Virtue  in  Ingenuous  Youth   428 

His    Garden   429 

O  Brother  Chicken   430 

[XV] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE 
BOOK 


PREFACE 


By  Lord  Cromer 

Perhaps  the  best  monument  to  the  memory  of  Edward  I^ear 
is  to  be  found  in  the  merry  laughter  which  his  works  and  draw- 
ings have  excited  amongst  children  whom  he  loved  so  well.  He 
lives,  and  will  continue  to  live,  in  the  minds  of  the  public  as 
one  of  the  great  classical  authors  of  nonsense.  It  is  said  that 
Dickens  was  wont  to  peruse  carefully  the  records  of  births, 
deaths  and  marriages,  in  order  to  find  names  suitable  to  the 
characters  in  his  novels.  That  he  was  singularly  successful  in 
the  assortment  of  his  names  cannot  be  doubted.  Although  it 
would  perhaps  be  difficult  to  assign  any  good  reason  for  our 
opinion,  we  all  feel  that  the  character  of  the  immortal  Winkle 
could  not,  with  any  degree  of  onomatopoeic  propriety,  have 
been  assigned  to  a  man  who  spoke  and  conducted  himself  like 
Tupman,  and  that  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Murdstone  would  have  be- 
haved quite  differently  if  their  names  had  been  Trotwood. 
Who,  again — to  put  some  extreme  cases — would  suggest  that 
the  names  of  Micawber  and  Heep,  of  Pecksniff  and  Tapley, 
or  of  Chadband  and  Bucket  could  be  transposed  without 
wholly  altering  the  impression  of  the  characters  which  we 
derive  from  the  nomenclature?  Similarly,  the  genius  of  the 
great  nonsense  authors — Lear  and  Lewis  Caroll — is  shown  in 
their  choice  of  nonsense  words.  Who  can  describe  a  "  Scroobi- 
ous,"  or  "  Runcible  "  bird?  Yet  the  man  who  does  not  at  once 
grasp  the  fact  that  the  outward  appearance  and  special  char- 
acteristics of  these  two  birds  must  of  necessity  differ  widely, 
will  be  wholly  wanting  in  imagination.  INIore,  indeed,  may  be 
[9] 


PREFACE 


said.  A  man  of  well-balanced  mind,  when  he  sees  Lear's  pic- 
tures, will  forthwith  say  to  himself:  "  Such  is  the  appearance 
which  I  should  naturally  attribute  to  the  Scroobious  Bird. 
The  Runcible  Bird  can  obviously  be  like  nothing  else  than  that 
which  is  here  depicted."  Nothing,  I  should  add,  amused  Lear 
more  than  the  failure  of  some  people  to  appreciate  the  utter 
absence  of  sense  in  his  nonsense.  He  used  to  relate  that  some 
one  once  wrote  to  him  to  say  that  he  had  searched  various  bo- 
tanical and  other  works  without  finding  any  allusion  to  a 
"  Bong-tree."  *  Where,  his  correspondent,  asked,  did  the 
"  Bong-tree  "  grow? 

Like  Dickens  in  search  of  names,  Lear  was  constantly 
manufacturing  nonsense  words.  Practice  made  him  proficient 
in  the  art.    Here  is  a  letter  which  he  once  wrote  to  me : 


*  "  They  sailed  away  for  a  year  and  a  day 
To  the  land  where  the  bong  tree  grows. 
And  there  in  a  wood,  a  Piggiwig  stood 
With  a  ring  at  the  end  of  his  nose." 
(The  Owl  and  the  Pussy-Cat.) 
[10] 


PREFACE 


I  hasten  to  add,  for  the  benefit  of  anyone  possessed  of  the 
mental  endowments  of  him  who  asked  for  information  about 
the  "  Bong-tree  "  that  I  believe  "  Slusshypipp  "  to  be  a  wholly 
imaginary  individual. 

A  poet  who  wrote  in  that  language  with  which  Lear's 
acquaintance  was,  indeed,  imperfect,  but  the  literature  of 
which,  nevertheless,  whether  in  its  ancient  or  modern  form, 
constituted  one  of  the  delights  and  solaces  of  his  hfe,  once  said 
that  Poverty  alone  awoke  the  arts,  and  was  the  teacher  of 
labour: 

ioTo.  TO  )fc6^doio  3idd6xaXo<:.* 

It  is  to  that  chill  penury  against  which  Lear's  life  was  one 
continuous  and  arduous  struggle,  that  we  probably  owe  pro- 
ductions which  have  been  the  delight  of  so  many  nurseries. 
He  perhaps  occasionally  felt  some  slight  disappointment  that 
his  fame  rested  not  so  much  on  his  merits  as  an  artist,  as  on 
the  fact  that  he  was  known  throughout  the  child- world  as  the 
author  of  "  Dumbledownderry."  But  neither  his  impecuni- 
osity  nor  his  disappointment  could  sour  his  essentially  lovable 
nature,  or  tinge  with  the  least  shade  of  cynicism  a  humour, 
which  was  above  all  things  kindly  and  genial.  He  was  too 
warm-hearted  to  be  satirical.  His  laughter  was,  indeed,  akin 
to  tears.  I  have  known  him  sit  down  to  the  piano  and  sob 
whilst  he  played  and  sang:  "  Tears,  Idle  Tears,"  which  he  had 
himself  set  to  music,  and  the  next  morning  send  me  the  sub- 
joined sketch, 

♦Theocritus,  Idyll  xxl.  1. 


[11] 


PREFACE 


accompanied  by  the  following  literary  production,  in  which  he 
poked  fun  at  his  favourite  poet  and  devoted  friend: 

*'  Nluv,  jfluv  bluv,  ffluv  biours, 
Faith  nunfaith  kneer  beekwl  powers 
Unfaith  naught  zwant  a  faith  in  all." 

I  give  the  following  letters,  which  I  have  preserved  and 
which  are  illustrative  of  Lear's  peculiar  epistolary  style: 


[12] 


PREFACE 


Beneficial  and  bricklike  Baring, — 


Thank  you  for  your  note.  I  will  come  to  His  Excellency 
to-morry.  Meanwhile,  please  give  him  the  accompanying 
Note  &  Book,  which  I  hope  he  ^  you  &  Strahan  will  like. 

Give  my  love  to  Strahan.* 

'0  OdodpSoc;  kuap 

Dear  Baring,—  Toosdy. 

Disgustical  to  say,  I  must  beg  you  to  thank  His  Excel- 
lency from  me,  &  to  relate  that  I  cannot  come.  I  was  en- 
gaged to  dine  with  the  De  Verre's,t  but  am  too  unwell  with 
awful  cold  in  the  head  &  eyes  to  go  out  at  all. 

*  Captain  (subsequently  Sir  George)  Strahan  and  myself  were  Aides- 
de-Camp  to  Sir  Henry  Storks,  who,  at  the  time  these  letters  were  written, 
was  Lord  High  Commissioner  of  the  Ionian  Islands. 

t  Major  De  Vere,  Royal  Engineers,  was  subsequently  shot  dead  by 
one  of  his  own  men. 

[13] 


PREFACE 


I  have  sent  for  2  large  tablecloths  to  blow  my  nose  on, 
having  already  used  up  all  my  handkerchiefs.  And  altogether 
I  am  so  unfit  for  company  that  I  propose  getting  into  a  bag 
and  being  hung  up  to  a  bough  of  a  tree  till  this  tyranny  is 
overpast.    Please  give  the  serming  I  send  to  His  Excellency. 

Yours  sincerely, 

Edward  Leab. 


[14] 


PREFACE 


Evelyn  Baring,  Royal  Artillery,  Aide-de-Carop. 

[15] 


PREFACE 


Dear  Bahing, — 

I  ain't  been  out  yet,  but  nevertheless  will  come  to  His  Ex- 
cellency to-morrow  evening — if  snuffling  &  snorting  &  shiver- 
ing may  be  overlooked.  If  I  had  been  out,  I  should  have 
written  my  name  at  the  Palace,  which,  as  yet,  I  haven't  had 
the  possibility  of  doing  as  decent  folk  should. 

Did  you  ever  see  such  a  lot  of  brutal  sno  as  is  on  Salva- 
[16] 


PREFACE 


dor?*  Ain't  it  beastly.  Generally  speaking,  I  have  been 
wrapped  up  like  this  all  the  week  in  a 


wholly  abject  and  incapable  state.    .    .  . 

Will  you  like  to  read  "  Le  Maudit  "  ? — 3  vols. 

Yours  sincerely, 

Edw.  Leae. 

*  Saint  Salvador  is  the  name  of  the  highest  mountain  in  Corfii. 


[17] 


PREFACE 


[18] 


PREFACE 


On  one  occasion,  in  conversation  with  Lear,  one  or  other 
of  us  quoted  the  well-known  lines  in  "  Hudibras,"  in  which 
allusion  is  made  to  *'  the  learned  Tabacotius  "  and  the  surgi- 
cal operation  which  is  connected  with  his  name.  We  were 
neither  of  us  quite  sure  whether  we  had  quoted  the  last  lines 
correctly.  On  the  following  morning  Lear  sent  me  this  let- 
ter: 

"  Correction  for  the  last  lines  of  the  quotation  from 
Hewdybrass. 

*  But  what  the  porter's  life  waned  out 
Off  dropt  the  sympathetic  snout.'  " 


[19] 


PREFACE 


[20] 


PREFACE 


15,  Steatford  Place,  W. 
30  June,  1864. 

Dear  Baring, — 

You  see  by  the  above  that  the  Trunk  has  at  last  arrived: 
— and  queer  enough — it  had  never  been  opened !  so  that  every 
one  of  my  letters  was  just  as  it  was,  &  every  think  else — from 
2  chocolate  drops  to  an  ounce  of  flea  powder — was  as  it  was 
before  the  fathers  fell  asleep. 

So,  my  dear  boy,  you  are  really  off  to-morrow  I  *  I  wish 
you  heartily  a  pleasant  trip,  and  shall  much  hke  to  hear  from 
you.  Now  don't  get  shot,  &  don't  marry  a  squaw.  You'd 
better  take  out  "  Viscount  Kirkwall's  "  book  to  amuse  you  on 
the  way.  I  meant  to  have  got  a  portemonnaie  or  a  cigar  case 
to  leave  at  11,  Berkeley  Sqr.  as  a  memorial  of  old  Corfu  days 
— but  I  fear  I  shan't  have  time  now.  But  I  shall  hope  to  see 
you  when  you  come  back — before  Septbr.  is  out — or  earlier. 
For  myself,  I  am  all  undecided  as  yet  about  winter  plans. 

The  Treasurer  &  Mrs.  Boyd  &  Charlie  were  with  me  to- 
day, all  flourishing.  She  is  a  kind-hearted  woman.  Boyd 
showed  me  xaXoXtpw^  letter  which  you  told  me  of. 

You  were  a  good  boy  to  write.  Some  day  we  may  all 
meet  at  MoUter.  Goodbye. 

Yours  sincerely, 

Edward  Lear. 

When  my  eldest  son  was  about  three  years  old,  his  mother 
expressed  a  wish  that  he  should  acquire  some  knowledge  of 
colour.  Lear,  with  his  usual  kindness,  at  once  sent  twenty 
drawings  of  birds  of  various  colours — including,  of  course,  his 
favourites,  the  Scroobious  and  the  Runcible  birds.  I  had  these 
bound  in  a  book.    They  are  reproduced  in  this  work. 

*  I  was  about  to  start  for  America  to  be  a  spectator  for  a  short  while  of 
the  great  war  then  in  course  of  progress. 

[21] 


PREFACE 


Many  of  the  stories  which  Lear  used  to  relate  of  his 
travels  were  extremely  amusing.  I  give  one  of  them.  It  may 
possibly  have  been  already  included  in  one  of  his  published 
works,  but,  in  any  case,  it  will  bear  repetition. 

Some  fifty  years  ago.  Lord  Palmerston,  by  reason  of  the 
support  he  afforded  to  constitutional  forms  of  government, 
was  extremely  unpopular  amongst  all  those,  on  the  Continent 
of  Europe,  who  favoured  the  continuance  of  autocratic  rule. 
This  unpopularity  gave  rise  to  the  well-known  couplet — I 
think  of  Viennese  manufacture: — 


Nowhere  was  he  more  unpopular  than  in  the  Kingdom  of 
Naples,  then  ruled,  or  perhaps  it  would  be  more  correct  to  say 
misruled,  by  Ferdinand  II.  (Bomba.)  Lear  was  on  one  oc- 
casion sketching  near  a  village  in  some  remote  part  of  Cala- 
bria. He  was  accosted  by  a  gendarme,  who  requested  him  to 
show  his  passport.  On  seeing  the  signature  of  Palmerston  at 
the  bottom  of  the  document,  the  gendarme  thought  that  he 
had  made  an  important  capture.  He  arrested  Lear  and 
marched  him  into  the  village  waving  the  passport  which  he 
carried  in  his  hand,  and  shouting  "Ho  preso  Palmerstonel " 
36,  WiMPOLE  Street. 


"  Hat  der  Teufel  einen  Sohn 

So  ist  er  sicher  Palmerston."  * 


EDITOR'S  NOTE 


After  the  publication  of  my  book  of  "  Letters  of  Edward 
Lear  "  to  my  aunt  and  uncle,  Lady  Waldegrave  and  Lord 
Carlingford,  in  November,  1907,  Lord  Cromer  most  kindly 
put  at  my  disposal,  if  I  chose  to  use  it,  the  "  Bird  Book  "  now 
included  in  this  volume.  A  third  edition  of  the  "  Letters  " 
being  about  to  be  published,  about  June,  1908,  it  suggested 
itself  to  me  that  a  short  preface  from  such  an  old  friend  of  Mr. 
Lear's  would  be  of  great  value,  and  I  ventured  to  ask  Lord 
Cromer  if  he  would  be  so  good  as  to  write  something  of  this 
nature.  As  time  was  pressing  I  mentioned  the  fact  to  him, 
and  with  his  characteristic  promptitude  he  wrote:  "  Sunday 
I  will  look  out  my  material,  Monday  I  will  write  my  preface, 
and  Tuesday  you  shall  have  it."  And  it  came  as  promised,  but 
in  such  a  form,  that  I  felt  the  sin  of  wasting  it  as  an  additional 
preface  to  my  old  book. 

So  I  at  once  resolved  that  Lord  Cromer's  delightful  pref- 
ace and  unique  Bird  Book,  should  be  the  foundation  of  the! 
new  Nonsense  Book  I  had  for  a  long  time  contemplated  and 
now  made  possible  by  Lord  Cromer's  very  generous  contribu- 
tions. I  myself  had  a  few  unpublished  drawings  originally 
belonging  to  my  uncle;  these  have  been  most  kindly  supple- 
mented by  the  following  old  friends  of  Mr.  Lear.  Mrs.  W. 
Vaughan  (Miss  Madge  Symonds),  a  cousin  of  my  husband's 
and  wife  of  the  present  Head  Master  of  Wellington  College, 
has  allowed  me  to  publish  a  large  store  of  nonsense  drawings 
drawn  mostly,  I  believe,  for  her  eldest  sister  Janet,  and  pre- 
served with  much  care  by  their  mother,  Mrs.  John  Addington 
Symonds : — 

[23] 


EDITOR'S  NOTE 


"  Lear  dancing." 

"  Mrs.  Blue  Dickey-bird." 

"  High  Diddle  Diddle." 

*'  Sing  a  Song  of  Sixpence." 

Three  unpublished  illustrations  for  "  The  Owl  and  the 
Pussy  Cat." 
Miss  Lushington : — 

"  Spots  of  Greece." 
The  Earl  of  Northbrook:— 

"  Mrs.  Jaypher." 
The  Revd.  Canon  Selwyn: — 

"  Dingly  Bank." 
Mr.  Hubert  Congreve: — 

"  In  Medio  Tutorissimus  Ibis." 
The  Earl  of  Cromer:— 

"  The  Bird  Book." 

"  Beneath  these  high  Cathedral  Stairs." 
Mr.  Henry  Strachey: — 

Four  lines  of  another  version  of  "  Mrs.  Jaypher." 
To  all  the  above  my  thanks  are  due  for  their  help  in  this 
latest  tribute  to  the  immortal  writer  of  the  Books  of  Nonsense. 

Constance  Strachey. 
Sutton  Court,  September,  1911. 

The  new  title,  I  would  add,  is  taken  from  a  letter  of  Lear 
to  my  uncle,  in  which  he  talks  of  "  Queery  Leary  Nonsense," 
and  my  publishers  and  myself  have  thought  it  good  to  use 
Lear's  own  words. 


[24] 


LEAR'S  INTRODUCTION  TO  MORE  NONSENSE 
SONGS  AND  STORIES 


IN  offering  this  little  book — the  third  of  its  kind — to  the 
public,  I  am  glad  to  take  the  opportunity  of  recording 
the  pleasure  I  have  received  at  the  appreciation  its  predeces- 
sors have  met  vs^ith,  as  attested  by  their  wide  circulation,  and 
by  the  universally  kind  notices  of  them  from  the  Press.  To 
have  been  the  means  of  administering  innocent  mirth  to  thou- 
sands, may  surely  be  a  just  motive  for  satisfaction,  and  an 
excuse  for  grateful  expression. 

At  the  same  time,  I  am  desirous  of  adding  a  few  words 
as  to  the  history  of  the  two  previously  published  volumes,  and 
more  particularly  of  the  first  or  original  "  Book  of  Nonsense," 
relating  to  which  many  absurd  reports  have  crept  into  circula- 
tion, such  as  that  it  was  the  composition  of  the  late  Lord 
Brougham,  the  late  Earl  of  Derby,  etc. ;  that  the  rhymes  and 
pictures  are  by  different  persons;  or  that  the  whole  have  a 
symbolical  meaning,  etc.;  whereas,  every  one  of  the  Rhymes 
was  composed  by  myself,  and  every  one  of  the  Illustrations 
drawn  by  my  own  hand  at  the  time  the  verses  were  made. 
Moreover,  in  no  portion  of  these  Nonsense  drawings  have  I 
ever  allowed  any  caricature  of  private  or  public  persons  to 
appear,  and  throughout,  more  care  than  might  be  supposed  has 
been  given  to  make  the  subjects  incapable  of  misinterpreta- 
tion: "Nonsense,"  pure  and  absolute,  having  been  my  aim 
throughout. 

As  for  the  persistently  absurd  report  of  the  late  Earl  of 
Derby  being  the  author  of  the  "  First  Book  of  Nonsense,"  I 
may  relate  an  incident  which  occurred  to  me  four  summers 
ago,  the  first  that  gave  me  any  insight  into  the  origin  of  the 
rumour. 

[25] 


INTRODUCTION 


I  was  on  my  way  from  London  to  Guildford,  in  a  railway 
carriage,  containing,  besides  myself,  one  passenger,  an  elderly 
gentleman:  presently,  however,  two  ladies  entered,  accom- 
panied by  two  little  boys.  These,  who  had  just  had  a  copy  of 
the  "  Book  of  Nonsense  "  given  them,  were  loud  in  their  de- 
light, and  by  degrees  infected  the  whole  party  with  their  mirth. 

"  How  grateful,"  said  the  old  gentleman  to  the  two  ladies, 
"  all  children,  and  parents  too,  ought  to  be  to  the  statesman 
who  has  given  his  time  to  composing  that  charming  book!  " 

(The  ladies  looked  puzzled,  as  indeed  was  I,  the  author.) 

"  Do  you  know  who  is  the  writer  of  it?  "  asked  the  gentle- 
man. 

"  The  name  is  *  Edward  Lear,'  "  said  one  of  the  ladies. 

"Ah!  "  said  the  first  speaker,  "  so  it  is  printed;  but  that 
is  only  a  whim  of  the  real  author,  the  Earl  of  Derby.  '  Ed- 
ward '  is  his  Christian  name,  and,  as  you  may  see,  Lear  is  only 
Earl  transposed." 

"  But,"  said  the  lady,  doubtingly,  "  here  is  a  dedication  to 
the  great-grandchildren,  grand-nephews,  and  grand-nieces  of 
Edward,  thirteenth  Earl  of  Derby,  by  the  author,  Edward 
Lear." 

"  That,"  replied  the  other,  "  is  simply  a  piece  of  mystifica- 
tion ;  I  am  in  a  position  to  know  that  the  whole  book  was  com- 
posed and  illustrated  by  Lord  Derby  himself.  In  fact,  there  is 
no  such  a  person  at  all  as  Edward  Lear." 

"  Yet,"  said  the  other  lady,  "  some  friends  of  mine  tell  me 
they  know  Mr.  Lear." 

"Quite  a  mistake!  completely  a  mistake!"  said  the  old 
gentleman,  becoming  rather  angry  at  the  contradiction;  "I 
am  well  aware  of  what  I  am  saying :  I  can  inform  you,  no  such 
a  person  as  '  Edward  Lear  '  exists !  " 

Hitherto  I  had  kept  silence;  but  as  my  hat  was,  as  well 
as  my  handkerchief  and  stick,  largely  marked  inside  with  my 
name,  and  as  I  happened  to  have  in  my  pocket  several  letters 
[26] 


INTRODUCTION 


addressed  to  me,  the  temptation  was  too  great  to  resist;  so, 
flashing  all  these  articles  at  once  on  my  would-be  extinguish- 
er's attention,  I  speedily  reduced  him  to  silence. 

The  second  volume  of  Nonsense,  commencing  with  the 
verses,  "  The  Owl  and  the  Pussy-Cat,"  was  written  at  dif- 
ferent times,  and  for  different  sets  of  children:  the  whole  being 
collected  in  the  course  of  last  year,  were  then  illustrated,  and 
published  in  a  single  volume,  by  Mr.  R.  J.  Bush,  of  32  Char- 
ing Cross. 

The  contents  of  the  third  or  present  volume  were  made 
also  at  different  intervals  in  the  last  two  years. 

Long  years  ago,  in  days  when  much  of  my  time  was 
passed  in  a  country  house,  where  children  and  mirth  abounded, 
the  lines  beginning,  "  There  was  an  old  man  of  Tobago,"  were 
suggested  to  me  by  a  valued  friend,  as  a  form  of  verse  lending 
itself  to  limitless  variety  for  rhymes  and  pictures;  and  thence- 
forth the  greater  part  of  the  original  drawings  and  verses  for 
the  first  "  Book  of  Nonsense  "  were  struck  off  with  a  pen,  no 
assistance  ever  having  been  given  me  in  any  way  but  that  of 
uproarious  delight  and  welcome  at  the  appearance  of  every 
new  absurdity. 

Most  of  these  Drawings  and  Rhymes  were  transferred  to 
lithographic  stones  in  the  year  1846,  and  were  then  first  pub- 
lished by  Mr.  Thomas  McLean,  of  the  Haymarket.  But  that 
edition  having  been  soon  exhausted,  and  the  call  for  the  "  Book 
of  Nonsense  "  continuing,  I  added  a  considerable  number  of 
subjects  to  those  previously  published,  and  having  caused  the 
whole  to  be  carefully  reproduced  in  woodcuts  by  Messrs. 
Dalzell,  I  disposed  of  the  copyright  to  Messrs.  Routledge  and 
Warne,  by  whom  the  volume  was  published  in  1843. 

EDWARD  LEAR. 

Villa  Emily,  San  Remo, 
August,  1871. 


[27] 


THE  BIRD  BOOK 


QUEERY  LEARY  NONSENSE 


Mrs.  Blue  Dickey-bird,  who  went  out  a- walking  with  her  six 
chickey-birds :  she  carried  a  parasol  and  wore  a  bonnet  of  green 
silk. 

The  first  little  chickey  bird  had  daisies  growing  out  of  his 
head  and  wore  boots  because  of  the  dirt. 

The  second  little  chickey  bird  wore  a  hat  for  fear  it  should 
rain. 

The  third  little  chickey  bird  carried  a  jug  of  water. 

The  fourth  little  chickey  bird  carried  a  muff,  to  keep  her 
wings  warm. 

The  fifth  little  chickey  bird  was  round  as  a  ball. 

And  the  sixth  little  chickey  bird  walked  on  his  head  to  save 
his  feet. 

[33] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


[34] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


[35] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


[36] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


[87] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


11^  Ut^aJriif^  ^tl^  \L,^uJ^  ffh^A^duA^. 


[39] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


[40] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


[41] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


One  evening  after  dinner  when  on  a  visit  to  Lady  Walde- 
grave  and  Lord  Carlingford  at  Chewton  Priory,  Lear  drew 
the  above  parrot,  a  species  of  bird  with  which  he  was  well  ac- 
quainted, having  illustrated  the  bird  section  of  Lord  Derby's 
"  Knowsley  Menagerie."  After  he  had  finished  it  Ward  Bra- 
ham,  Lady  Waldegrave's  brother,  drew  the  caricature  of  bird 
and  artist,  reproduced  on  page  43,  which  amused  Lear  greatly. 
[42] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


[43] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


A  caricature  by  Ward  Braham,  Lady  Waldegrave's  brother, 
of  Edward  Lear  singing. 


[44] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


[45] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


[Ger- woman  loq. — Oh !  I  have  my  baby  in  the  water  dropped ! 
and  I  think  that  it  drowned  will  be. 

Ger-man  loq. — That  is  natural:  it  is  here  so  deep!! 
Little-paper,  moral  and  proverbial  nonsense-illustrate  on.] 

Mr.  Lear  had  a  dislike  of  Germans,  but  it  was  accentuated  by  the  hotel 
•which  dominated  and  eventually  ruined  his  beautiful  Villa  Emily  at  San 
Remo,  having  been  built  and  run  by  that  race. 

The  above  was  probably  drawn  and  sent  off  to  his  friend  Fortescue  at  a 
moment  when  this  fact  was  strong  in  his  mind. 


[46] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


AT  DINGLE  BANK 

HE  lived  at  Dingle  Bank— he  did; — 
He  lived  at  Dingle  bank; 
And  in  his  garden  was  one  Quail, 

Four  tulips,  and  a  Tank; 
And  from  his  windows  he  could  see 
The  otion  and  the  River  Dee. 

His  house  stood  on  a  Cliff, — ^it  did, 

In  aspic  it  was  cool: 
And  many  thousand  little  boys 

Resorted  to  his  school, 
Where  if  of  progress  they  could  boast 
He  gave  them  heaps  of  buttered  toast. 

But  he  grew  rabid-wroth,  he  did, 

If  they  neglected  books, 
And  dragged  them  to  adjacent  cliffs 

With  beastly  Button  Hooks, 
And  there  with  fatuous  glee  he  threw 
Them  down  into  the  otion  blue. 

And  in  the  sea  they  swam,  they  did, — 

All  playfully  about, 
And  some  eventually  became 

Sponges,  or  speckled  trout: — 
But  Liverpool  doth  all  bewail 
Their  Fate; — likewise  his  Garden  Quail. 


[47] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


SPOTS  OF  GREECE 

PAPA  once  went  to  Greece, 
And  there  I  understand 
He  saw  no  end  of  lovely  spots 

About  that  lovely  land. 
He  talks  about  these  spots  of  Greece 

To  both  Mama  and  me 
Yet  spots  of  Greece  upon  my  dress 

They  can't  abear  to  see! 
I  cannot  make  it  out  at  all — 

If  ever  on  my  Frock 
They  see  the  smallest  Spot  of  Greece 

It  gives  them  quite  a  shock! 
Henceforth,  therefore, — ^to  please  them  both 

These  spots  of  Greece  no  more 
Shall  be  upon  my  frock  at  all — 
Nor  on  my  Pinafore. 


EPITAPH 

"  Beneath  these  high  Cathedral  stairs 
Lie  the  remains  of  Susan  Pares. 
Her  name  was  Wiggs,  it  was  not  Pares, 
But  Pares  was  put  to  rhyme  with  stairs." 


[48] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


THE  YOUTHFUL  COVE 

In  medio  Tutorissimus  ihis. 
Thou  shalt  walk  in  the  midst  of  the  TTitors/* 

ONCE  on  a  time  a  youthful  cove 
As  was  a  cheery  lad 
Lived  in  a  villa  by  the  sea. — 
The  cove  was  not  so  bad ; 

The  dogs  and  cats,  the  cows  and  ass, 

The  birds  in  cage  or  grove, 
The  rabbits,  hens,  ducks,  pony,  pigs 

All  loved  that  cheery  lad. 

Seven  folks — one  female  and  six  male, — 

Seized  on  that  youthful  cove; 
They  said — "  To  edjukate  this  chap 

Us  seven  it  doth  behove." 

The  first  his  parrient  was, — who  taught 

The  cove  to  read  and  ride, 
Latin,  and  Grammarithemetic, 

And  lots  of  things  beside. 

Says  Pa,  "  I'll  spare  no  pains  or  time 

Your  school  hours  so  to  cut, 
And  square  and  fit,  that  you  will  make 

No  end  of  progress — but — 

Says  Mrs.  Grey, — "  I'll  teach  him  French, 

Pour  parler  dans  cette  pays — 
Je  cris,  qu'il  parlera  bien, 

Meme  comme  un  Francais — Mais — " 
[49] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Says  Signer  Gambinossi, — "  Si; 

Progresso  si  fara, 
Lo  voglio  insegnare  qui, 

La  lingua  mia, — ^ma," — 

Says  Mr.  Grump — "  Geology, 

And  Mathetics  stiff 
I'll  teach  the  cove,  who's  sure  to  go 

Ahead  like  blazes, — if — " 

Says  James — "  I'll  teach  him  everyday 

My  Nasties:  now  and  then 
To  stand  upon  his  'ed;  and  make 

His  mussels  harder, — when  " — 

Says  Signor  Blanchi, — "  Lascia  far; — 

La  musica  da  me, 
Ben  insegnata  qh  sera; — 

Fara  progresso, — Se — " 

Says  Edmund  Lear — "  I'll  make  him  draw 

A  Palace,  or  a  hut. 
Trees,  mountains,  rivers,  cities,  plains, 

And  p'rapps  to  paint  them — but — " 

So  all  these  7  joined  hands  and  sang 

This  chorus  by  the  sea; — 
"O!  Ven  his  edjukation's  done, 

By!  Vot  a  cove  he'll  be!" 


[50] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


MRS.  JAYPHER 

A  Preface  to  a  poem  entitled  "  Mrs.  Jaypher."  Lear 
adds  the  stage  direction  that  the  verse  is  to  be  read  "  senten- 
tiously  and  with  grave  importance." 


MRS.  JAYPHER  found  a  wafer 
Which  she  struck  upon  a  note; 
This  she  took  and  gave  the  cook. 
Then  she  went  and  bought  a  boat 
Which  she  paddled  down  the  stream 
Shouting,  "  Ice  produces  cream, 
Beer  when  churned  produces  butter! 
Henceforth  all  the  words  I  utter 
Distant  ages  thus  shall  note — 
*  From  the  Jaypher  Wisdom-Boat.'  " 


A  VERSE  OF  ANOTHER  VERSION 

Mrs.  Jaypher  said  its  safer 
If  you've  lemons  in  your  head 
First  to  eat  a  pound  of  meat 
And  then  to  go  at  once  to  bed. 


[51] 


THE  BOOK  OF  NONSENSE 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  with  a  nose, 
Who  said,  "  If  you  choose  to  suppose 


That  my  nose  is  too  long,  you  are  certainly  wrong  1" 


There  was  a  Young  Person  of  Smyrna, 
Whose  Grandmother  threatened  to  burn  her; 
But  she  seized  on  the  Cat,  and  said,  "  Granny,  burn  that! 
You  incongruous  Old  Woman  of  Smyrna  I " 
[55] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  on  a  hill, 

Who  seldom,  if  everj  stood  still; 

He  ran  up  and  down  in  his  Grandmother's  gown, 

Which  adorned  that  Old  Man  on  a  hill. 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Chili, 

Whose  conduct  was  painful  and  silly; 

He  sate  on  the  stairs,  eating  apples  and  pears. 

That  imprudent  Old  Person  of  Chili. 

[56] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  with  a  gong, 

Who  bumped  at  it  all  the  day  long; 

But  they  called  out,  "  Oh,  law!  you're  a  horrid  old  bore!  " 

So  they  smashed  that  Old  IVIan  with  a  gong. 

[57] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Columbia, 
Who  was  thirsty,  and  called  out  for  some  beer; 
But  they  brought  it  quite  hot,  in  a  small  copper  pot, 
Which  disgusted  that  man  of  Columbia. 


There  was  an  Old  Man  in  a  tree. 
Who  was  horribly  bored  by  a  Bee ; 


When  they  said,  "  Does  it  buzz?  "  he  rephed,  "  Yes,  it  does! 
It's  a  regular  brute  of  a  Bee." 

[58] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Lady  of  Chertsey, 
Who  made  a  remarkable  curtsey ; 

She  twirled  round  and  round,  till  she  sank  underground, 
Which  distressed  all  the  people  of  Chertsey. 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  whose  chin 
Resembled  the  point  of  a  pin; 
So  she  had  it  made  sharp,  and  purchased  a  harp, 
And  played  several  tunes  with  her  chin. 
[59] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Portugal, 
Whose  ideas  were  excessively  nautical; 
She  climbed  up  a  tree  to  examine  the  sea, 
But  declared  she  would  never  leave  Portugal. 
[60] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Iscliia, 

Whose  conduct  grew  friskier  and  friskier; 

He  danced  hornpipes  and  jigs,  and  ate  thousands  of  figs, 

That  lively  old  Person  of  Ischia. 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Vienna, 

Who  lived  upon  Tincture  of  Senna; 

When  that  did  not  agree,  he  took  Camomile  Tea, 

That  nasty  Old  Man  of  Vienna. 

[61] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  in  a  boat, 

Who  said,  "I'm  afloat!  I'm  afloat!" 

When  they  said,  "  No,  you  ain't !  "  he  was  ready  to  faint, 

That  unhappy  Old  Man  in  a  boat. 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Buda, 

Whose  conduct  grew  ruder  and  ruder. 

Till  at  last  with  a  hanuner  they  silenced  his  clamor, 

By  smashing  that  Person  of  Buda. 

[62] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Hurst, 
Who  drank  when  he  was  not  athirst ; 

When  they  said,  "  You'll  grow  fatter  1  "  he  answered  "  What 
matter?  "        That  globular  Person  of  Hurst. 
[63] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Madras, 

Who  rode  on  a  cream-coloured  Ass; 

But  the  length  of  its  ears  so  promoted  his  fears, 

That  it  killed  that  Old  Man  of  Madras. 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Dover, 

Who  rushed  through  a  field  of  blue  clover; 

But  some  very  large  Bees  stung  his  nose  and  his  knees» 

So  he  very  soon  went  back  to  Dover. 


[64] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Leeds, 
Whose  head  was  infested  with  beads; 
She  sat  on  a  stool  and  ate  gooseberry- fool, 
Which  agreed  with  that  Person  of  Leeds. 
[65] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Whose  face  was  pervaded  with  smiles ; 

He  sang  "  High  dum  diddle,"  and  played  on  the  fiddle, 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Basing, 

Whose  presence  of  mind  was  amazing; 

He  purchased  a  steed,  which  he  rode  at  full  speed. 

And  escaped  from  the  people  of  Basing. 

[66] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Person  whose  hahits 

Induced  him  to  feed  upon  Rabbits; 

When  he'd  eaten  eighteen,  he  turned  perfectly  green. 

Upon  which  he  relinquished  those  habits. 

[67] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  West, 

Who  wore  a  pale  plum-coloured  vest; 

When  they  said,  "  Does  it  fit? "  he  replied,  "Not  a  bit! 

That  uneasy  Old  Man  of  the  West. 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Marseilles, 
Whose  daughters  wore  bottle-green  veils ; 
They  caught  several  Fish,  which  they  put  in  a  dish, 
And  sent  to  their  Pa  at  Marseilles. 

[68] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  Wrekin, 

Whose  shoes  made  a  horrible  creaking; 

But  they  said,  "  Tell  us  whether  your  shoes  are  of  leather, 

Or  of  what,  you  Old  Man  of  the  Wrekin? " 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  whose  nose 

Was  so  long  that  it  reached  to  her  toes ; 

So  she  hired  an  Old  Lady,  whose  conduct  was  steady, 

To  carry  that  wonderful  nose. 

[69] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Apulia, 
Whose  conduct  was  very  peculiar; 


He  fed  twenty  sons  upon  nothing  but  buns, 
That  whimsical  Man  of  Apulia. 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Quebec, — 
A  beetle  ran  over  his  neck; 

But  he  cried,  "  With  a  needle  I'll  slay  you,  O  beadle! 
That  angry  Old  Man  of  Quebec. 

[70] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Norway, 
Who  casually  sat  in  a  doorway; 

When  the  door  squeezed  her  flat,  she  exclaimed,  "  What  of 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Bute, 

Who  played  on  a  silver-gilt  flute ; 

She  played  several  jigs  to  her  Uncle's  white  Pigs: 

That  amusing  Young  Lady  of  Bute. 

[71] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Philse, 

Whose  conduct  was  scroobious  and  wily; 

He  rushed  up  a  Palm  when  the  weather  was  calm, 

And  observed  all  the  ruins  of  Philae. 


There  was  an  Old  Man  with  a  poker, 

Who  painted  his  face  with  red  ochre. 

When  they  said,  "  You're  a  Guy!  "  he  made  no  reply, 

But  knocked  them  all  down  with  his  poker. 

[T2] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Peru, 

Who  watched  his  wife  making  a  stew; 

But  once,  by  mistake,  in  a  stove  she  did  bake 

That  unfortunate  Man  of  Peru. 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Prague, 

Who  was  suddenly  seized  with  the  plague; 

But  they  gave  him  some  butter,  which  caused  him  to  mutter, 

And  cured  that  Old  Person  of  Prague. 

[73] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  North, 

Who  fell  into  a  basin  of  broth; 

But  a  laudable  cook  fished  him  out  with  a  hook, 

Which  saved  that  Old  Man  of  the  North. 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Troy, 

Whose  drink  was  warm  brandy  and  soy, 

Which  he  took  with  a  spoon,  by  the  light  of  the  moon, 

In  sight  of  the  city  of  Troy. 

[74] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Melrose, 

Who  walked  on  the  tips  of  his  toes; 

But  they  said,  "  It  ain't  pleasant  to  see  you  at  present, 

You  stupid  Old  Man  of  Melrose." 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Tring, 

Who  embellished  his  nose  with  a  ring ; 

He  gazed  at  the  moon  every  evening  in  June, 

That  ecstatic  Old  Person  of  Tring. 

[75] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Mold, 

Who  shrank  from  sensations  of  cold; 

So  he  purchased  some  muffs,  some  furs,  and  some  fluffs, 

And  wrapped  himself  well  from  the  cold. 


[76] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  Nile, 

Who  sharpened  his  nails  with  a  file, 

Till  he  cut  off  his  thumbs,  and  said  calmly,  "  This  comes 

Of  sharpening  one's  nails  with  a  file!" 


[77] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Nepaul, 
From  his  horse  had  a  terrible  fall; 

But,  though  split  quite  in  two,  with  some  very  strong  glue 
They  mended  that  man  of  Nepaul. 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  th'  Abruzzi, 

So  blind  that  he  couldn't  his  foot  see; 

When  they  said,  "  That's  your  toe,"  he  replied,  "  Is  it  so? " 

That  doubtful  Old  Man  of  th'  Abruzzi. 

[78] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Calcutta, 

Who  perpetually  ate  bread  and  butter; 

Till  a  great  bit  of  muffin,  on  which  he  was  stuffing, 

Choked  that  horrid  Old  Man  of  Calcutta. 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Rhodes, 

Who  strongly  objected  to  toads; 

He  paid  several  cousins  to  catch  them  by  dozens. 


That  futile  Old  Person  of  Rhodes. 

[79] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  South, 

Who  had  an  immoderate  mouth ; 

But  in  swallowing  a  dish  that  was  quite  full  of  Fish, 

He  was  choked,  that  Old  Man  of  the  South. 


[80] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  Dee, 

Who  was  sadly  annoyed  by  a  Flea; 

When  he  said,  "  I  will  scratch  it!  "  they  gave  him  a  hatchet, 

Which  grieved  that  Old  Man  of  the  Dee. 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Lucca, 
Whose  lovers  completely  forsook  her; 
She  ran  up  a  tree,  and  said  "Fiddle-de-dee!" 
Which  embarrassed  the  people  of  Lucca. 
[81] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Coblenz, 

The  length  of  whose  legs  was  immense; 

He  went  with  one  prance  from  Turkey  to  France, 

That  surprising  Old  Man  of  Coblenz. 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Bohemia, 
Whose  daughter  was  christened  Euphemia; 
But  one  day,  to  his  grief,  she  married  a  thief. 
Which  grieved  that  Old  Man  of  Bohemia. 
[82] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Corfu, 

Who  never  knew  what  he  should  do ; 

So  he  rushed  up  and  down,  till  the  sun  made  him  brown. 

That  bewildered  Old  Man  of  Corfu. 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Vesuvius, 

Who  studied  the  works  of  Vitruvius; 

When  the  flames  burnt  his  book,  to  drinking  he  took. 

That  morbid  Old  Man  of  Vesuvius. 


[83] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Dundee, 

Who  frequented  the  top  of  a  tree; 

When  disturbed  by  the  Crows,  he  abruptly  arose. 

And  exclaimed,  "  I'll  return  to  Dundee  I " 


[84] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Lady  whose  folly 
Induced  her  to  sit  in  a  holly; 
Whereon,  by  a  thorn  her  dress  being  torn, 
She  quickly  became  melancholy. 


[85] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  on  some  rocks, 
Who  shut  his  Wife  up  in  a  box : 
When  she  said,  "  Let  me  out,"  he  exclaimed, 
You  will  pass  all  your  life  in  that  box." 


Without  doubt 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Rheims, 
Who  was  troubled  with  horrible  dreams; 
So  to  keep  him  awake  they  fed  him  with  cake, 
Which  amused  that  Old  Person  of  Rheims. 


[86] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Leghorn, 

The  smallest  that  ever  was  born; 

But  quickly  snapt  up  he  was  once  by  a  Puppy, 

Who  devoured  that  Old  Man  of  Leghorn. 


There  was  an  Old  ISlan  in  a  pew, 
Whose  waistcoat  was  spotted  with  blue; 
But  he  tore  it  in  pieces,  to  give  to  his  Nieces, 
That  cheerful  Old  Man  in  a  pew. 

[87] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Hull, 
Who  was  chased  by  a  virulent  Bull ; 


But  she  seized  on  a  spade,  and  called  out,  "  Who's  afraid?  " 
Which  distracted  that  virulent  Bull. 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Dutton, 
Whose  head  was  as  small  as  a  button; 
So  to  make  it  look  big  he  purchased  a  wig, 
And  rapidly  rushed  about  Dutton. 


[88] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Troy, 
Whom  several  large  flies  did  annoy; 

Some  she  killed  with  a  thump,  some  she  drowned  at  the  pump, 
And  some  she  took  with  her  to  Troy. 


There  was  an  Old  Man  who  said,  "  How 
Shall  I  flee  from  this  horrible  Cow? 
I  will  sit  on  this  stile,  and  continue  to  smile, 
Which  may  soften  the  heart  of  that  Cow." 
[89] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Bangor, 
Whose  face  was  distorted  with  anger; 
He  tore  off  his  boots,  and  subsisted  on  roots, 
That  borascible  Person  of  Bangor. 


There  was  an  Old  Man  who  said,  "  Hush! 

I  perceive  a  young  bird  in  this  bush  I " 

When  they  said,  "  Is  it  small? "  he  replied,    Not  at  all; 

It  is  four  times  as  big  as  the  bush! " 

[90] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Tyre, 

Who  swept  the  loud  chords  of  a  lyre; 

At  the  sound  of  each  sweep  she  enraptured  the  deep, 

And  enchanted  the  city  of  Tyre. 

[91] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Jamaica, 

Who  suddenly  married  a  Quaker; 

But  she  cried  out,  "  Oh,  lack!  I  have  married  a  black! " 

WTiich  distressed  that  Old  Man  of  Jamaica. 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  East, 

Who  gave  all  his  children  a  feast ; 

But  they  all  ate  so  much,  and  their  conduct  was  such 

That  it  killed  that  Old  Man  of  the  East. 

[92] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  Coast, 
Who  placidly  sat  on  a  post ; 
But  when  it  was  cold  he  relinquished  his  hold, 
And  called  for  some  hot  buttered  toast. 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Kamschatka, 
Who  possessed  a  remarkably  fat  Cur; 
His  gait  and  his  waddle  were  held  as  a  model 
To  all  the  fat  dogs  in  Kamschatka. 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Gretna, 

Who  rushed  down  the  crater  of  Etna; 

When  they  said,  "  Is  it  hot?  "  he  replied,  "  No,  it's  not!  " 

That  mendacious  Old  Person  of  Gretna. 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Tartary, 
Who  divided  his  jugular  artery; 

But  he  screeched  to  his  Wife,  and  she  said,  "  Oh,  my  hfel 
Your  death  will  be  felt  by  all  Tartary  1 " 
[94] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Berlin, 

Whose  form  was  uncommonly  thin; 

Till  he  once,  by  mistake,  was  mixed  up  in  a  cake. 

So  they  baked  that  Old  Man  of  Berhn. 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  West, 
Who  never  could  get  any  rest; 
So  they  set  him  to  spin  on  his  nose  and  his  chin, 
Which  cured  that  Old  Man  of  the  West. 
[95] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Cheadle 

Was  put  in  the  stocks  by  the  Beadle 

For  steahng  some  pigs,  some  coats,  and  some  wigs, 

That  horrible  person  of  Cheadle. 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Anerley, 
Whose  conduct  was  strange  and  unmannerly; 
He  rushed  down  the  Strand  with  a  Pig  in  each  hand, 
But  returned  in  the  evening  to  Anerley. 

[96] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


[97] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Wales, 

Who  caught  a  large  Fish  without  scales; 

When  she  lifted  her  hook,  she  exclaimed,  "  Only  look! " 

That  ecstatic  Young  Lady  of  Wales. 


[98] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  with  a  beard, 

Who  sat  on  a  Horse  when  he  reared; 

But  they  said,  "  Never  mind !  you  will  fall  off  behind, 

You  propitious  Old  Man  with  a  beard  I " 


[99] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Welling, 

Whose  praise  all  the  world  was  a-telling; 

She  played  on  the  harp,  and  caught  several  Carp, 

That  accomplished  Young  Lady  of  Welling. 


[100] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Sweden, 
Who  went  by  the  slow  train  to  Weedon; 
When  they  cried,  "Weedon  Station!"  she  made  no  observa- 
tion, 

But  thought  she  should  go  back  to  Sweden. 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Chester, 

Whom  several  small  children  did  pester; 

They  threw  some  large  stones,  which  broke  most  of  his  bones, 

And  displeased  that  Old  Person  of  Chester. 

[101] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  Cape, 

Who  possessed  a  large  Barbary  Ape; 

Till  the  Ape,  one  dark  night,  set  the  house  all  alight. 

Which  burned  that  Old  Man  of  the  Cape. 


[102] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Burton, 
Whose  answers  were  rather  uncertain; 

When  they  said,  "  How  d'ye  do? "  he  rephed,  "  Who  are 
you?" 

That  distressing  Old  Person  of  Burton. 


[103] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Ems 

Who  casually  fell  in  the  Thames; 

And  when  he  was  found,  they  said  he  was  drowned, 

That  unlucky  Old  Person  of  Ems. 


There  was  an  Old  Lady  of  Prague, 
Whose  language  was  horribly  vague ; 

When  they  said,  "  Are  these  caps?  "  she  answered,  "  Perhaps  1 " 
That  oracular  Lady  of  Prague. 


[104] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Poole, 
Whose  soup  was  excessively  cool; 
So  she  put  it  to  boil  by  the  aid  of  some  oil, 
That  ingenious  Young  Lady  of  Poole. 


There  was  a  Young  Girl  of  Majorca, 

Whose  Aunt  was  a  very  fast  walker; 

She  walked  seventy  miles,  and  leaped  fifteen  stiles, 

Which  astonished  that  Girl  of  Majorca. 

[105] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Parma, 

Whose  conduct  grew  calmer  and  calmer; 

When  they  said,  "  Are  you  dumb?  "  she  merely  said,  "  Hum!  " 

That  provoking  Young  Lady  of  Parma. 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Sparta, 
Who  had  twenty-five  sons  and  one  "darter;" 
He  fed  them  on  Snails,  and  weighed  them  in  scales. 
That  wonderful  Person  of  Sparta. 

[106] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Turkey, 

Who  wept  when  the  weather  was  murky; 

When  the  day  turned  out  fine,  she  ceased  to  repine. 

That  capricious  Young  Lady  of  Turkey. 


[107] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Aosta 

Who  possessed  a  large  Cow,  but  he  lost  her; 

But  they  said,  "  Don't  you  see  she  has  run  up  a  tree. 

You  invidious  Old  Man  of  Aosta?" 

[108] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  Young  Person  of  Crete, 

Whose  toilette  was  far  from  complete; 

She  dressed  in  a  sack  spickle-speckled  with  black, 

That  ombliferous  Person  of  Crete. 


[109] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Clare, 

Who  was  madly  pursued  by  a  Bear; 

When  she  found  she  was  tired,  she  abruptly  expired. 

That  unfortunate  Lady  of  Clare. 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Dorking, 
Who  bought  a  large  bonnet  for  walking; 
But  its  color  and  size  so  bedazzled  her  eyes, 
That  she  very  soon  went  back  to  Dorking, 
[110] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Cape  Horn, 
Who  wished  he  had  never  been  born; 
So  he  sat  on  a  Chair  till  he  died  of  despair, 
That  dolorous  Man  of  Cape  Horn. 


[Ill] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Cromer, 

Who  stood  on  one  leg  to  read  Homer; 

When  he  found  he  grew  stiff,  he  jmnped  over  the  cliff. 

Which  concluded  that  Person  of  Cromer. 


[112] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  the  Hague, 
Whose  ideas  were  excessively  vague; 
He  built  a  balloon  to  examine  the  moon, 
That  deluded  Old  Man  of  the  Hague. 


[113] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Spain, 
Who  hated  all  trouble  and  pain; 
So  he  sate  on  a  chair  with  his  feet  in  the  air. 
That  umbrageous  Old  Person  of  Spain. 


[114] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  who  said,  "  Well  I 
Will  nobody  answer  this  bell? 

I  have  pulled  day  and  night,  till  my  hair  has  grown  white, 
But  nobody  answers  this  bell  1 " 


[115] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  with  an  Owl, 
Who  continued  to  bother  and  howl; 
He  sat  on  a  rail,  and  imbibed  bitter  ale, 
Which  refreshed  that  Old  Man  and  his  Owl. 


[116] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


[117] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Person  of  Ewell, 

Who  chiefly  subsisted  on  gruel; 

But  to  make  it  more  nice,  he  inserted  some  Mice, 

Which  refreshed  that  Old  Person  of  Ewell. 


[118] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  of  Peru, 

Who  never  knew  what  he  should  do ; 

So  he  tore  off  his  hair,  and  behaved  like  a  bear. 

That  intrinsic  Old  Man  of  Peru. 


[119] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  of  Ryde, 

Whose  shoe-strings  were  seldom  untied; 

She  purchased  some  clogs,  and  some  small  spotty  Dogs, 

And  frequently  walked  about  Ryde. 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  whose  eyes 

Were  unique  as  to  color  and  size; 

When  she  opened  them  wide,  people  all  turned  aside, 

And  started  away  in  surprise. 

[120] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  with  a  beard, 
Who  said,  "  It  is  just  as  I  feared! — 
Two  Owls  and  a  Hen,  four  larks  and  a  Wren, 
Have  all  built  their  nests  in  my  beard." 


There  was  a  Young  Lady  whose  bonnet 
Came  untied  when  the  birds  sate  upon  it ; 
But  she  said,  "  I  don't  care!  all  the  birds  in  the 
Are  welcome  to  sit  on  my  bonnet  I " 
[121] 


NONSENSE  SONGS  AND  STORIES 


THE  OWL  AND  THE  PUSSY-CAT 


I 

THE  Owl  and  the  Pussy-Cat  went  to  sea 
In  a  beautiful  pea-green  boat: 
They  took  some  honey,  and  plenty  of  money 

Wrapped  up  in  a  five-pound  note. 
The  Owl  looked  up  to  the  stars  above, 
And  sang  to  a  small  guitar, 
"  O  lovely  Pussy,  O  Pussy,  my  love. 
What  a  beautiful  Pussy  you  are. 
You  are. 
You  are! 
What  a  beautiful  Pussy  you  are! " 


II 

Pussy  said  to  the  Owl,  "  You  elegant  fowl. 
How  charmingly  sweet  you  sing! 

Oh !  let  us  be  married ;  too  long  we  have  tarried : 
But  what  shall  we  do  for  a  ring? " 

[125] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

They  sailed  away,  for  a  year  and  a  day, 
To  the  land  where  the  bong-tree  grows; 

And  there  in  a  wood  a  Piggy-wig  stood, 
With  a  ring  at  the  end  of  his  nose. 


His  nose, 
His  nose, 
[With  a  ring  at  the  end  of  his  nose. 


[126] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


III 

"  Dear  Pig,  are  you  willing  to  sell  for  one  shilling 

Your  ring?"    Said  the  Piggy,  "I  will." 
So  they  took  it  away,  and  were  married  next  day 

By  the  Turkey  who  lives  on  the  hill. 
They  dined  on  mince  and  slices  of  quince, 

Which  they  ate  with  a  runcible  spoon; 
And  hand  in  hand,  on  the  edge  of  the  sand 

They  danced  by  the  light  of  the  moon. 
The  moon. 
The  moon, 

They  danced  by  the  light  of  the  moon. 

THE  DUCK  AND  THE  KANGAROO 
I 

SAID  the  Duck  to  the  Kangaroo, 
Good  gracious!  how  you  hop 
Over  the  fields,  and  the  water  too, 

As  if  you  never  would  stop ! 
My  life  is  a  bore  in  this  nasty  pond ; 
And  I  long  to  go  out  in  the  world  beyond: 
I  wish  I  could  hop  like  you," 
Said  the  Duck  to  the  Kangaroo. 


[  127  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


II 

"  Please  give  me  a  ride  on  your  back," 

Said  the  Duck  to  the  Kangaroo: 
"  I  would  sit  quite  still,  and  say  nothing  but  '  Quack/ 

The  whole  of  the  long  day  through; 
And  we'd  go  the  Dee,  and  the  Jelly  Bo  Lee, 
Over  the  land,  and  over  the  sea: 

Please  take  me  a  ride!  oh,  do! " 

Said  the  Duck  to  the  Kangaroo. 


Ill 

Said  the  Kangaroo  to  the  Duck, 

"  This  requires  some  little  reflection. 

Perhaps,  on  the  whole,  it  might  bring  me  luck: 

And  there  seems  but  one  objection; 
Which  is,  if  you'll  let  me  speak  so  bold, 
Your  feet  are  unpleasantly  wet  and  cold, 

And  would  probably  give  me  the  roo — 

Matiz,"  said  the  Kangaroo. 

IV 

Said  the  Duck,  "  As  I  sate  on  the  rocks, 
I  have  thought  over  that  completely; 

[128] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

And  I  bought  four  pairs  of  worsted  socks. 
Which  fit  my  web-feet  neatly; 


And,  to  keep  out  the  cold,  I've  bought  a  cloak; 
And  every  day  a  cigar  I'll  smoke; 

All  to  follow  my  own  dear  true 

Love  of  a  Kangaroo." 


[129] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


V 

Said  the  Kangaroo,  "  I'm  ready, 

All  in  the  moonlight  pale; 
But  to  balance  me  well,  dear  Duck,  sit  steady, 

And  quite  at  the  end  of  my  tail." 

So  away  they  went  with  a  hop  and  a  bound ; 

And  they  hopped  the  whole  world  three  times  round. 

And  who  so  happy,  oh !  who. 

As  the  Duck  and  the  Kangaroo? 


THE  DADDY  LONG-LEGS  AND  THE  FLY 


I 

ONCE  Mr.  Daddy  Long-Legs, 
Dressed  in  brown  and  gray. 
Walked  about  upon  the  sands 

Upon  a  summer's  day: 
And  there  among  the  pebbles, 
When  the  wind  was  rather  cold, 
[130] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


He  met  with  Mr.  Floppy  Fly, 
All  dressed  in  blue  and  gold; 
And,  as  it  was  too  soon  to  dine. 
They  drank  some  periwinkle-wine, 
And  played  an  hour  or  two,  or  more, 
At  battlecock  and  shuttledore. 

II 

Said  Mr.  Daddy  Long-legs 

To  Mr.  Floppy  Fly, 
"  Why  do  you  never  come  to  court  ? 

I  wish  you'd  tell  me  why. 
All  gold  and  shine,  in  dress  so  fine. 

You'd  quite  delight  the  court. 
Why  do  you  never  go  at  all? 

I  really  think  you  ought. 
And,  if  you  went,  you'd  see  such  sights  I 
Such  rugs  and  jugs  and  candle-lights! 
And,  more  than  all,  the  king  and  queen, — 
One  in  red,  and  one  in  green." 

Ill 

"  O  Mr.  Daddy  Long-legs !  " 

Said  Mr.  Floppy  Fly, 
"  It's  true  I  never  go  to  court ; 

And  I  will  tell  you  why. 
If  I  had  six  long  legs  like  yours. 

At  once  I'd  go  to  court; 
But,  oh!  I  can't,  because  my  legs 

Are  so  extremely  short. 
And  I'm  afraid  the  king  and  queen 
(One  in  red,  and  one  in  green) 
Would  say  aloud,  '  You  are  not  fit. 
You  Fly,  to  come  to  court  a  bit ! ' 

[131] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


IV 

"Oh,  Mr.  Daddy  Long-legs!" 

Said  Mr.  Floppy  Fly, 
"  I  wish  you'd  sing  one  little  song, 

One  mumbian  melody. 
You  used  to  sing  so  awful  well 

In  former  days  gone  by; 
But  now  you  never  sing  at  all: 

I  wish  you'd  tell  me  why: 
For,  if  you  would,  the  silvery  sound 
Would  please  the  shrimps  and  cockles  round. 
And  all  the  crabs  would  gladly  come 
To  hear  you  sing,  '  Ah,  Hum  di  Hum! '  " 

V 

Said  Mr.  Daddy  Long-legs, 

"  I  can  never  sing  again; 
And,  if  you  wish,  I'll  tell  you  why, 

Although  it  gives  me  pain. 
For  years  I  cannot  hum  a  bit, 

Or  sing  the  smallest  song; 
And  this  the  dreadful  reason  is, — 

My  legs  are  grown  too  long! 
My  six  long  legs,  all  here  and  there, 
Oppress  my  bosom  with  despair; 
And,  if  I  stand  or  lie  or  sit, 
I  cannot  sing  one  single  bit!" 

VI 

So  Mr.  Daddy  Long-legs 

And  Mr.  Floppy  Fly 
Sat  down  in  silence  by  the  sea. 

And  gazed  upon  the  sky. 

[132] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


They  said,  "  This  is  a  dreadful  thing! 

The  world  has  all  gone  wrong, 
Since  one  has  legs  too  short  by  half. 

The  other  much  too  long. 
One  never  more  can  go  to  court, 
Because  his  legs  have  grown  too  short; 
The  other  cannot  sing  a  song, 
Because  his  legs  have  grown  too  long! " 

VII 

Then  Mr.  Daddy  Long-legs 

And  Mr.  Floppy  Fly 
Rushed  downward  to  the  foamy  sea 

With  one  sponge-taneous  cry: 
And  there  they  found  a  little  boat. 

Whose  sails  were  pink  and  grey; 
And  off  they  sailed  among  the  waves, 

Far  and  far  away: 
They  sailed  across  the  silent  main. 
And  reached  the  great  Gromboolian  Plain; 
And  there  they  play  forevermore 
At  battlecock  and  shuttledore. 


[  133  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


THE  JUMBLIES 
I 

THEY  went  to  sea  in  a  sieve,  they  did; 
In  a  sieve  they  went  to  sea: 
In  spite  of  all  their  friends  could  say, 
On  a  winter's  morn,  on  a  stormy  day, 

In  a  sieve  they  went  to  sea. 
And  when  the  sieve  turned  round  and  round. 
And  every  one  cried,  "You'll  all  be  drowned!" 
They  called  aloud,  "Our  sieve  ain't  big; 
But  we  don't  care  a  button,  we  don't  care  a  fig: 
In  a  sieve  we'll  go  to  sea! " 
Far  and  few,  far  and  few, 

Are  the  lands  where  the  Jumblies  live: 
Their  heads  are  green,  and  their  hands  are  blue; 
And  they  went  to  sea  in  a  sieve. 


II 

They  sailed  away  in  a  sieve,  they  did. 
In  a  sieve  they  sailed  so  fast, 

[134] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


With  only  a  beautiful  pea-green  veil 
Tied  with  a  ribbon,  by  way  of  a  sail, 

To  a  small  tobacco-pipe  mast. 
And  every  one  said  who  saw  them  go, 
"  Oh!  won't  they  be  soon  upset,  you  know? 
For  the  sky  is  dark,  and  the  voyage  is  long; 
And,  happen  what  may,  it's  extremely  wrong 
In  a  sieve  to  sail  so  fast." 

Far  and  few,  far  and  few, 

Are  the  lands  where  the  Jumblies  live: 
Their  heads  are  green,  and  their  hands  are  blue; 
And  they  went  to  sea  in  a  sieve. 

Ill 

The  water  it  soon  came  in,  it  did; 

The  water  it  soon  came  in: 
So,  to  keep  them  dry,  they  wrapped  their  feet 
In  a  pinky  paper  all  folded  neat; 

And  they  fastened  it  down  with  a  pin. 
And  they  passed  the  night  in  a  crockery- jar; 
And  each  of  them  said,  "  How  wise  we  are ! 
Though  the  sky  be  dark,  and  the  voyage  be  long. 
Yet  we  never  can  think  we  were  rash  or  wrong, 
While  round  in  our  sieve  we  spin." 
Far  and  few,  far  and  few. 

Are  the  lands  where  the  Jumblies  live: 
Their  heads  are  green,  and  their  hands  are  blue ; 
And  they  went  to  sea  in  a  sieve. 

IV 

And  all  night  long  they  sailed  away; 

And  when  the  sun  went  down. 
They  whistled  and  warbled  a  moony  song 
[135]  ' 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


To  the  echoing  sound  of  a  coppery  gong. 

In  the  shade  of  the  mountains  brown. 
"  O  Timballoo  I    How  happy  we  are 
When  we  live  in  a  sieve  and  a  crockery- jar! 
And  all  night  long,  in  the  moonlight  pale. 
We  sail  away  with  a  pea-green  sail 
In  the  shade  of  the  mountains  brown." 
Far  and  few,  far  and  few, 

Are  the  lands  where  the  Jumblies  live: 
Their  heads  are  green,  and  their  hands  are  blue; 
And  they  went  to  sea  in  a  sieve. 

V 

They  sailed  to  the  Western  Sea,  they  did, — 

To  a  land  all  covered  with  trees: 
And  they  bought  an  owl,  and  a  useful  cart. 
And  a  pound  of  rice,  and  a  cranberry-tart, 

And  a  hive  of  silvery  bees; 
And  they  bought  a  pig,  and  some  green  jackdaws, 
And  a  lovely  monkey  with  lollipop  paws. 
And  forty  bottles  of  ring-bo-ree. 
And  no  end  of  Stilton  cheese. 
Far  and  few,  far  and  few. 

Are  the  lands  where  the  Jumblies  live: 
Their  heads  are  green,  and  their  hands  are  blue; 
And  they  went  to  sea  in  a  sieve. 

VI 

And  in  twenty  years  they  all  came  back, — 

In  twenty  years  or  more; 
And  every  one  said,  "  How  tall  they've  grown! 
For  they've  been  to  the  Lakes,  and  the  Torrible  Zone, 

And  the  hills  of  the  Chankly  Bore." 
And  they  drank  their  health,  and  gave  them  a  feast 
[136] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Of  dumplings  made  of  beautiful  yeast; 
And  every  one  said,  "  If  we  only  live, 
We,  too,  will  go  to  sea  in  a  sieve, 
To  the  hills  of  the  Chankly  Bore." 
Far  and  few,  far  and  few. 

Are  the  lands  where  the  Jumblies  live: 
Their  heads  are  green,  and  their  hands  are  blue; 
And  they  went  to  sea  in  a  sieve. 

THE  NUTCRACKERS  AND  THE  SUGAR-TONGS 

I 

THE  Nutcrackers  sate  by  a  plate  on  the  table; 
The  Sugar-tongs  sate  by  a  plate  at  his  side; 
And  the  Nutcrackers  said,  "  Don't  you  wish  we  were  able 

Along  the  blue  hills  and  green  meadows  to  ride? 
Must  we  drag  on  this  stupid  existence  forever. 

So  idle  and  weary,  so  full  of  remorse. 
While  every  one  else  takes  his  pleasure,  and  never 
Seems  happy  unless  he  is  riding  a  horse? 


II 

"  Don't  you  think  we  could  ride  without  being  instructed, 

Without  any  saddle  or  bridle  or  spur? 
Our  legs  are  so  long,  and  so  aptly  constructed, 

I'm  sure  that  an  accident  could  not  occur. 
Let  us  all  of  a  sudden  hop  down  from  the  table, 

And  hustle  downstairs,  and  each  jump  on  a  horse! 
[137] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 
Shall  we  try?    Shall  we  go?    Do  you  think  we  are  able? " 
The  Sugar-tongs  answered  distinctly,  "  Of  course!" 
Ill 

So  down  the  long  staircase  they  hopped  in  a  minute; 

The  Sugar-tongs  snapped,  and  the  Crackers  said  "  Crack!  " 
The  stable  was  open ;  the  horses  were  in  it : 

Each  took  out  a  pony,  and  jumped  on  his  back. 
The  Cat  in  a  fright  scrambled  out  of  the  doorway; 

The  Mice  tumbled  out  of  a  bundle  of  hay; 
The  brown  and  white  Rats,  and  the  black  ones  from  Norway, 

Screamed  out,  "  They  are  taking  the  horses  away!" 

IV 

The  whole  of  the  household  was  filled  with  amazement: 

The  Cups  and  the  Saucers  danced  madly  about ; 

The  Plates  and  the  Dishes  looked  out  of  the  casement ; 

The  Salt-cellar  stood  on  his  head  with  a  shout; 
The  Spoons,  with  a  clatter,  looked  out  of  the  lattice ; 

The  Mustard-pot  climbed  up  the  gooseberry-pies; 
The  Soup-ladle  peeped  through  a  heap  of  veal-patties, 

And  squeaked  with  a  ladle-like  scream  of  surprise. 

V 

The  Frying-pan  said,  "  It's  an  awful  delusion! " 

The  Tea-kettle  hissed,  and  grew  black  in  the  face; 
And  they  all  rushed  downstairs  in  the  wildest  confusion 

To  see  the  great  Nutcracker- Sugar-tong  race. 
And  out  of  the  stable,  with  screamings  and  laughter 

(Their  ponies  were  cream-coloured,  speckled  with  brown), 
The  Nutcrackers  first,  and  the  Sugar-tongs  after. 

Rode  all  round  the  yard,  and  then  all  round  the  town. 

VI 

They  rode  through  the  street,  and  they  rode  by  the  station ; 
They  galloped  away  to  the  beautiful  shore; 

[138] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

In  silence  they  rode,  and  "  made  no  observation," 
Save  this:  "  We  will  never  go  back  any  more!  " 

And  still  you  might  hear,  till  they  rode  out  of  hearing. 
The  Sugar-tongs  snap,  and  the  Crackers  say  "Crack!" 

Till,  far  in  the  distance  their  forms  disappearing, 
They  faded  away;  and  they  never  came  back! 

CALICO  PIE 

I 

CALICO  pie, 
The  little  birds  fly 
Down  to  the  calico-tree: 
Their  wings  were  blue, 
And  they  sang  "Tilly-loo!" 
Till  away  they  flew; 
And  they  never  came  back  to  me  I 


[139] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


They  never  came  back. 
They  never  came  back, 
They  never  came  back  to  me! 

n 

Calico  jam. 
The  little  Fish  swam 
Over  the  Syllabub  Sea. 
He  took  off  his  hat 
To  the  Sole  and  the  Sprat, 
And  the  Willeby-wat: 


But  he  never  came  back  to  me; 

He  never  came  back, 

He  never  came  back, 
He  never  came  back  to  me, 

in 

Calico  ban, 
The  little  Mice  ran 
To  be  ready  in  time  for  tea; 
Flippity  flup, 
They  drank  it  all  up, 
[140] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

And  danced  in  the  cup: 
(But  they  never  came  back  to  me; 

They  never  came  back, 

They  never  came  back, 
They  never  came  back  to  me. 


Calico  drum. 
The  Grasshoppers  come, 
The  Butterfly,  Beetle,  and  Bee, 
Over  the  ground. 
Around  and  round. 
With  a  hop  and  a  bound; 


But  they  never  came  back. 
They  never  came  back, 
They  never  came  back. 

They  never  came  back  to  me. 


IV 


[141] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


MR.  AND  MRS.  SPIKKY  SPARROW 
I 

IN  a  little  piece  of  wood 
Mr.  Spikky  Sparrow  stood: 
Mrs.  Sparrow  sate  close  by, 
A-making  of  an  insect-pie 
For  her  little  children  five. 
In  the  nest  and  all  alive; 
Singing  with  a  cheerful  smiled. 
To  amuse  them  all  the  while, 

"Twikky  wikky  wikky  wee, 
Wikky  bikky  twikky  tee, 
Spikky  bikky  bee  I" 

II 

Mrs.  Spikky  Sparrow  said, 
"Spikky,  darling!  in  my  head 
Many  thoughts  of  trouble  come. 
Like  to  flies  upon  a  plum. 
All  last  night,  among  the  trees, 
I  heard  you  cough,  I  heard  you  sneeze; 
And  thought  I,  *  It's  come  to  that 
Because  he  does  not  wear  a  hat ! ' 

[142] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Chippy  wippy  sikky  tee, 
Bikky  wikky  tikky  mee, 
Spikky  chippy  weel 

III 

"Not  that  you  are  growing  old; 

But  the  nights  are  growing  cold. 

No  one  stays  out  all  night  long 

Without  a  hat:  I'm  sure  it's  wrong! " 

Mr.  Spikky  said,  "  How  kind, 

Dear,  you  are,  to  speak  your  mind! 

All  your  life  I  wish  you  luck! 

You  are,  you  are,  a  lovely  duck ! 
Witchy  witchy  witchy  wee, 
Twitchy  witchy  witchy  bee, 
Tikky  tikky  tee! 

IV 

**  I  was  also  sad,  and  thinking, 
When  one  day  I  saw  you  winking, 
And  I  heard  you  sniffle-snuffle. 
And  I  saw  your  feathers  ruffle: 
To  myself  I  sadly  said, 
*  She's  neuralgia  in  her  head! 
That  dear  head  has  nothing  on  it! 
Ought  she  not  to  wear  a  bonnet? ' 
Witchy  kitchy  kitchy  wee, 
Spikky  wikky  mikky  bee. 
Chippy  wippy  cheel 

V 

"  Let  us  both  fly  up  to  town: 
There  I'll  buy  you  such  a  go^vn! 

[143] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Which,  completely  in  the  fashion, 
You  shall  tie  a  sky-blue  sash  on; 
And  a  pair  of  slippers  neat 
To  fit  your  darling  little  feet. 
So  that  you  will  look  and  feel 
Quite  galloobious  and  genteel. 
Jikky  wikky  bikky  see, 
Chicky  bikky  wikky  bee, 
Twicky  witchy  wee !  " 


So  they  both  to  London  went, 
Alighting  on  the  Monument; 
Whence  they  flew  down  swiftly — pop  I 
Into  Moses'  wholesale  shop: 
There  they  bought  a  hat  and  bonnet, 
And  a  gown  with  spots  upon  it, 
A  satin  sash  of  Cloxam  blue. 
And  a  pair  of  slippers  too. 

Zikky  wikky  mikky  bee, 
Witchy  witchy  mitchy  kee, 
Sikky  tikky  wee! 

VII 

Then,  when  so  completely  dressed, 
Back  they  flew,  and  reached  their  nest. 
[  144  ] 


VI 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Their  children  cried,  "  O  ma  and  pa! 

How  tmly  beautiful  you  are!  " 

Said  they,  "  We  trust  that  cold  or  pain 

We  shall  never  feel  again; 

While,  perched  on  tree  or  house  or  steeple, 

We  now  shall  look  like  other  people. 
Withcy  witchy  witchy  wee, 
Twikky  mikky  bikky  bee, 
Zikky  sikky  teel" 


THE  BROOM,  THE  SHOVEL,  THE  POKER  AND 
THE  TONGS 

I 

THE  Broom  and  the  Shovel,  the  Poker  and  Tongs, 
They  all  took  a  drive  in  the  Park; 
And  they  each  sang  a  song,  ding-a-dong,  ding-a-dong! 

Before  they  went  back  in  the  dark. 
Mr.  Poker  he  sate  quite  upright  in  the  coach; 

Mr.  Tongs  made  a  clatter  and  clash; 
Miss  Shovel  was  dressed  all  in  black  (with  a  brooch) ; 
Mrs.  Broom  was  in  blue  (with  a  sash). 
Ding-a-dong,  ding-a-dong  I 
And  they  all  sang  a  song. 

[145] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


"  O  Shovely  so  lovely!  "  the  Poker  he  sang, 

"  You  have  perfectly  conquered  my  heart. 
Ding-a-dong,  ding-a-dong!    If  you're  pleased  with  my  song, 

I  will  feed  you  with  cold  apple-tart. 
When  you  scrape  up  the  coals  with  a  delicate  sound, 

You  enrapture  my  life  with  delight, 
Your  nose  is  so  shiny,  your  head  is  so  round. 

And  your  shape  is  so  slender  and  bright ! 
Ding-a-dong,  ding-a-dong ! 
Ain't  you  pleased  with  my  song?  " 


III 

"  Alas !  Mrs.  Broom,"  sighed  the  Tongs  in  his  song, 

"  Oh!  is  it  because  I'm  so  thin. 
And  my  legs  are  so  long, — ding-a-dong,  ding-a-dong! — 

That  you  don't  care  about  me  a  pin? 
Ah!  fairest  of  creatures,  when  sweeping  the  room. 

Ah!  why  don't  you  heed  my  complaint? 
Must  you  needs  be  so  cruel,  you  beautiful  Broom, 
Because  you  are  covered  with  paint? 
Ding-a-dong,  ding-a-dong ! 
You  are  certainly  wrong." 

[  146] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Mrs.  Broom  and  Miss  Shovel  together  they  sang, 

"  What  nonsense  you  're  singing  to-day!  " 
Said  the  Shovel,  "  I  '11  certainly  hit  you  a  bang!  " 

Said  the  Broom,  "  And  I  '11  sweep  you  away!  " 
So  the  coachman  drove  homeward  as  fast  as  he  could. 

Perceiving  their  anger  with  pain; 
But  they  put  on  the  kettle,  and  little  by  little 

They  all  became  happy  again. 
Ding-a-dong,  ding-a-dong ! 
There's  an  end  of  my  song. 


THE  TABLE  AND  THE  CHAIR 

SAID  the  Table  to  the  Chair, 
"  You  can  hardly  be  aware 
How  I  suff er  from  the  heat 
And  from  chilblains  on  my  feet. 
If  we  took  a  little  walk, 
We  might  have  a  little  talk; 
Pray  let  us  take  the  air," 
Said  the  Table  to  the  Chair. 


II 


Said  the  Chair  unto  the  Table, 
"Now,  you  know  we  are  not  able: 
How  foolishly  you  talk. 


[147] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


When  you  know  we  cannot  walk!". 
Said  the  Table  with  a  sigh, 
"It  can  do  no  harm  to  try. 
I've  as  many  legs  as  you : 
Why  can't  we  walk  on  two?  "' 

III 

So  they  both  went  slowly  down, 
And  walked  about  the  town 
With  a  cheerful  bumpy  sound 
As  they  toddled  round  and  round ; 
And  everybody  cried, 
As  they  hastened  to  their  side, 
"  See!  the  Table  and  the  Chair 
Have  come  out  to  take  the  air!  " 

IV 

But  in  going  down  an  alley, 
To  a  castle  in  a  valley. 
They  completely  lost  their  way, 
And  wandered  all  the  day; 
Till,  to  see  them  safely  back. 
They  paid  a  Ducky-quack, 
And  a  Beetle,  and  a  Mouse, 
Who  took  them  to  their  house. 

V 

Then  they  whispered  to  each  other, 
"  O  delightful  little  brother. 
What  a  lovely  walk  we've  taken ! 
Let  us  dine  on  beans  and  bacon." 
So  the  Ducky  and  the  leetle 
Browny-Mousy  and  the  Beetle 
[148] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENST  BOOK 


Dined,  and  danced  upon  their  heads 
Till  they  toddled  to  their  beds. 


THE  STORY  OF  THE  FOUR  LITTLE  CHILDREN 
WHO  WENT  AROUND  THE  WORLD 


NCE  upon  a  time,  a  long  while  ago,  there  were  four  little 
people  whose  names  were 


VIOLET,  SLINGSBY,  GUY,      and  LIONEL; 

and  they  all  thought  they  should  like  to  see  the  world.  So  they 
bought  a  large  boat  to  sail  quite  round  the  world  by  sea,  and 
then  they  were  to  come  back  on  the  other  side  by  land.  The 
boat  was  painted  blue  with  green  spots,  and  the  sail  was  yellow 
with  red  stripes :  and,  when  they  set  off,  they  only  took  a  small 
[  149  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

Cat  to  steer  and  look  after  the  boat,  besides  an  elderly  Quangle- 
Wangle,  who  had  to  cook  the  dinner  and  make  the  tea;  for 
which  purposes  they  took  a  large  kettle. 


For  the  first  ten  days  they  sailed  on  beautifully,  and  found 
plenty  to  eat,  as  there  were  lots  of  fish;  and  they  had  only  to 
take  them  out  of  the  sea  with  a  long  spoon,  when  the  Quangle- 
Wangle  instantly  cooked  them;  and  the  Pussy-Cat  was  fed 
with  the  bones,  with  which  she  expressed  herself  pleased,  on  the 
whole :  so  that  all  the  party  were  very  happy. 


During  the  daytime,  Violet  chiefly  occupied  herself  in 
putting  salt  water  into  a  churn;  while  her  three  brothers 
[  150  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


churned  it  violently,  in  the  hope  that  it  would  turn  into  butter, 
which  it  seldom  if  ever  did;  and  in  the  evening  they  all  retired 
into  the  tea-kettle,  where  they  all  managed  to  sleep  very  com- 
fortably, while  Pussy  and  the  Quangle- Wangle  managed  the 
boat. 


After  a  time,  they  saw  some  land  at  a  distance ;  and,  when 
they  came  to  it,  they  found  it  was  an  island  made  of  water  quite 
surrounded  by  earth.  Besides  that,  it  was  bordered  by  evanes- 
cent isthmuses,  with  a  great  gulf-stream  running  about  all  over 
it ;  so  that  it  was  perfectly  beautiful,  and  contained  only  a  single 
tree,  503  feet  high. 

When  they  had  landed,  they  walked  about,  but  found,  to 
their  great  surprise,  that  the  island  was  quite  full  of  veal-cutlets 
and  chocolate-drops,  and  nothing  else.  So  they  all  climbed  up 
the  single  high  tree  to  discover,  if  possible,  if  there  were  any 
people;  but  having  remained  on  the  top  of  the  tree  for  a  week, 
and  not  seeing  anybody,  they  naturally  concluded  that  there 
were  no  inhabitants;  and  accordingly,  when  they  came  down, 
they  loaded  the  boat  with  two  thousand  veal-cutlets  and  a  mil- 
lion of  chocolate-drops;  and  these  afforded  them  sustenance  for 
[151] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


more  than  a  month,  during 
which  time  they  pursued  their 
voyage  with  the  utmost  delight 
and  apathy. 

After  this  they  came  to  a 
shore  where  there  were  no  less 
than  sixty-five  great  red  par- 
rots with  blue  tails,  sitting  on 
a  rail  all  of  a  row,  and  all  fast 
asleep.  And  I  am  sorry  to 
say  that  the  Pussy-Cat  and  the 
Quangle- Wangle  crept  softly, 
and  bit  off  the  tail-feathers  of 
all  the  sixty-five  parrots;  for 
which  Violet  reproved  them 
both  severely. 

Notwithstanding  which,  she 
proceeded  to  insert  all  the 
feathers — two  hundred  and 
sixty  in  number — in  her  bon- 
net; thereby  causing  it  to  have 
a  lovely  and  glittering  appear- 
ance; highly  prepossessing  and 
efficacious. 

The  next  thing  that  hap- 
pened to  them  was  in  a  narrow 
part  of  the  sea,  which  was  so 
entirely  full  of  fishes  that  the 
boat  could  go  on  no  farther: 
so  they  remained  there  about 
six  weeks,  till  they  had  eaten 
nearly  aU  the  fishes,  which  were  soles,  and  all  ready-cooked, 
and  covered  with  shrimp-sauce,  so  that  there  was  no  trouble 
[152] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

whatever.  And  as  the  few  fishes  who  remained  uneaten 
complained  of  the  cold,  as  well  as  of  the  difficulty  they 


had  in  getting  any  sleep  on  account  of  the  extreme  noise  made 
by  the  arctic  bears  and  the  tropical  turnspits,  which  frequented 


w 

the  neighbourhood  in  great  numbers,  Violet  most  amiably 
knitted  a  small  woollen  frock  for  several  of  the  fishes,  and 
Slingsby  administered  some  opium-drops  to  them;  through 
which  kindness  they  became  quite  warm,  and  slept  soundly. 
[153] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Then  they  came  to  a  country  which  was  wholly  covered 
with  immense  orange-trees  of  a  vast  size,  and  quite  full  of  fruit. 
So  they  all  landed,  taking  with  them  the  tea-kettle,  intending 
to  gather  some  of  the  oranges,  and  place  them  in  it.  But, 
while  they  were  busy  about  this,  a  most  dreadfully  high  wind 


rose,  and  blew  out  most  of  the  parrot-tail  feathers  from  Violet's 
bonnet.   That,  however,  was  nothing  compared  with  the  calam- 
[  154  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


ity  of  the  oranges  falling  down  on  their  heads  by  millions  and 
millions,  which  thumped  and  bumped  and  bumped  and  thumped 
them  all  so  seriously,  that  they  were  obliged  to  run  as  hard  as 
they  could  for  their  lives;  besides  that  the  sound  of  the  oranges 
rattling  on  the  tea-kettle  was  of  the  most  fearful  and  amazing 
nature. 

Nevertheless,  they  got  safely  to  the  boat,  although  consid- 
erably vexed  and  hurt;  and  the  Quangle- Wangle's  right  foot 
was  so  knocked  about,  that  he  had  to  sit  with  his  head  in  his 
slipper  for  at  least  a  week. 


This  event  made  them  all  for  a  time  rather  melancholy: 
and  perhaps  they  might  never  have  become  less  so,  had  not 
Lionel,  with  a  most  praiseworthy  devotion  and  perseverance, 
continued  to  stand  on  one  leg,  and  whistle  to  them  in  a  loud  and 


lively  manner;  which  diverted  the  whole  party  so  extremely 
that  they  gradually  recovered  their  spirits,  and  agreed  that 
[155] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


whenever  they  should  reach  home,  they  would  subscribe  to- 
wards a  testimonial  to  Lionel,  entirely  made  of  gingerbread 
and  raspberries,  as  an  earnest  token  of  their  sincere  and  grate- 
ful infection. 

After  saihng  on  calmly  for  several  more  days,  they  came 
to  another  country,  where  they  were  much  pleased  and  sur- 
prised to  see  a  countless  multitude  of  white  Mice  with  red  eyes, 
all  sitting  in  a  great  circle,  slowly  eating  custard-pudding  with 
the  most  satisfactory  and  polite  demeanour. 


And  as  the  four  travellers  were  rather  hungry,  being  tired 
of  eating  nothing  but  soles  and  oranges  for  so  long  a  period, 
they  held  a  council  as  to  the  propriety  of  asking  the  Mice  for 
some  of  their  pudding  in  a  humble  and  affecting  manner,  by 
which  they  could  hardly  be  otherwise  than  gratified.  It  was 
agreed,  therefore,  that  Guy  should  go  and  ask  the  Mice,  which 
he  immediately  did ;  and  the  result  was,  that  they  gave  a  walnut- 
shell  only  half  full  of  custard  diluted  with  water.  Now,  this 
displeased  Guy,  who  said,  "  Out  of  such  a  lot  of  pudding  as  you 


have  got,  I  must  say,  you  might  have  spared  a  somewhat  larger 
quantity."    But  no  sooner  had  he  finished  speaking  than  the 
[156] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Mice  turned  round  at  once,  and  sneezed  at  him  in  an  appalling 
and  vindictive  manner  (and  it  is  impossible  to  imagine  a  more 
scroobious  and  unpleasant  sound  than  that  caused  by  the  sim- 
ultaneous sneezing  of  many  millions  of  angry  Mice)  ;  so  that 
Guy  rushed  back  to  the  boat,  having  first  shied  his  cap  into  the 
middle  of  the  custard-pudding,  by  wliich  means  he  completely 
spoiled  the  Mice's  dinner. 

By  and  by  the  four  children  came  to  a  country  where  there 
were  no  houses,  but  only  an  incredibly  innumerable  number  of 
large  bottles  without  corks,  and  of  a  dazzling  and  sweetly  sus- 
ceptible blue  colour.  Each  of  these  blue  bottles  contained  a 
Blue-Bottle-Fly;  and  all  these  interesting  animals  live  con- 
tinually together  in  the  most  copious  and  rural  harmony:  nor 
perhaps  in  many  parts  of  the  world  is  such  perfect  and  abject 
happiness  to  be  found.  Violet  and  SHngsby  and  Guy  and 
Lionel  were  greatly  struck  with  this  singular  and  instructive 
settlement;  and,  having  previously  asked  permission  of  the 
Blue-Bottle-Flies  (which  was  most  courteously  granted),  the 
boat  was  drawn  up  to  the  shore,  and  they  proceeded  to  make  tea 
in  front  of  the  bottles:  but  as  they  had  no  tea-leaves,  they 


merely  placed  some  pebbles  in  the  hot  water ;  and  the  Quangle- 
Wangle  played  some  tunes  over  it  on  an  accordion,  by  which, 
of  course,  tea  was  made  directly,  and  of  the  very  best  quality. 
[157] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


The  four  children  then  entered  into  conversation  with  the 
Blue-Bottle-Flies,  who  discoursed  in  a  placid  and  genteel  man- 
ner, though  with  a  slightly  buzzing  accent,  chiefly  owing  to  the 
fact  that  they  each  held  a  small  clothes-brush  between  their 
teeth,  which  naturally  occasioned  a  fizzy,  extraneous  utterance. 

"  Why,"  said  Violet,  "  would  you  kindly  inform  us,  do  you 
reside  in  bottles;  and,  if  in  bottles  at  all,  why  not,  rather,  in 
green  or  purple,  or,  indeed,  in  yellow  bottles?  " 

To  which  questions  a  very  aged  Blue-Bottle-Fly  answered, 
"  We  found  the  bottles  here  all  ready  to  live  in;  that  is  to  say, 
our  great-great-great-great-great-grandfathers  did:  so  we  oc- 
cupied them  at  once.  And,  when  the  winter  comes  on,  we  turn 
the  bottles  upside  down,  and  consequently  rarely  feel  the  cold 
at  all;  and  you  know  very  well  that  this  could  not  be  the  case 
with  bottles  of  any  other  colour  than  blue." 

"  Of  course  it  could  not,"  said  Shngsby.  "  But,  if  we  may 
take  the  liberty  of  inquiring,  on  what  do  you  chiefly  subsist?  " 

"Mainly  on  oyster-patties,"  said  the  Blue-Bottle-Fly; 
"  and,  when  these  are  scarce,  on  raspberry  vinegar  and  Russian 
leather  boiled  down  to  a  jelly." 

"  How  dehcious!  "  said  Guy. 

To  which  Lionel  added,  "Huzz!"  And  all  the  Blue- 
Bottle-Flies  said,  "  Buzz! " 

At  this  time,  an  elderly  Fly  said  it  was  the  hour  for  the 
evening-song  to  be  sung;  and,  on  a  signal  being  given,  all  the 
Blue-Bottle-Flies  began  to  buzz  at  once  in  a  sumptuous  and 
sonorous  manner,  the  melodious  and  mucilaginous  sounds  echo- 
ing all  over  the  waters,  and  resounding  across  the  tumultuous 
tops  of  the  transitory  titmice  upon  the  intervening  and  verdant 
mountains  with  a  serene  and  sickly  suavity  only  known  to  the 
truly  virtuous.  The  Moon  was  shining  slobaciously  from  the 
star-bespangled  sky,  while  her  light  irrigated  the  smooth  and 
shiny  sides  and  wings  and  backs  of  the  Blue-Bottle-Fhes  with 
[158] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


a  peculiar  and  trivial  splendour,  while  all  Nature  cheerfully  re- 
sponded to  the  cerulean  and  conspicuous  circumstances. 

In  many  long-after  years,  the  four  little  travellers  looked 
back  to  that  evening  as  one  of  the  happiest  in  all  their  lives ;  and 
it  was  already  past  midnight  when — the  sail  of  the  boat  having 
been  set  up  by  the  Quangle- Wangle,  the  tea-kettle  and  churn 
placed  in  their  respective  positions,  and  the  Pussy-Cat  stationed 
at  the  helm — the  children  each  took  a  last  and  affectionate  fare- 
well of  the  Blue-Bottle-Flies,  who  walked  down  in  a  body  to 
the  water's  edge  to  see  the  travellers  embark. 

As  a  token  of  parting  respect  and  esteem,  Violet  made  a 
courtesy  quite  down  to  the  ground,  and  stuck  one  of  her  few  re- 


maining parrot-tail  feathers  into  the  back  hair  of  the  most 
pleasing  of  the  Blue-Bottle-Flies;  while  Slingsby,  Guy,  and 
Lionel  offered  them  three  small  boxes,  containing,  respectively, 
black  pins,  dried  figs,  and  Epsom  salts;  and  thus  they  left  that 
happy  shore  forever. 

Overcome  by  their  feelings,  the  four  little  travellers  in- 
stantly jumped  into  the  tea-kettle,  and  fell  fast  asleep.  But 
all  along  the  shore,  for  many  hours,  there  was  distinctly  heard 
a  sound  of  severely-suppressed  sobs,  and  of  a  vague  multitude 
of  living  creatures  using  their  pocket-handkerchiefs  in  a  sub- 
[159] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


dued  simultaneous  snuffle,  lingering  sadly  along  the  walloping 
waves  as  the  boat  sailed  farther  and  farther  away  from  the  Land 
of  the  Happy  Blue-Bottle-Flies. 

Nothing  particular  occurred  for  some  days  after  these 
events,  except  that,  as  the  travellers  were  passing  a  low  tract 
of  sand,  they  perceived  an  unusual  and  gratifying  spectacle; 
namely,  a  large  number  of  Crabs  and  Crawfish — perhaps  six 
or  seven  hundred — sitting  by  the  water-side,  and  endeavouring 
to  disentangle  a  vast  heap  of  pale  pink  worsted,  which  they 
moistened  at  intervals  with  a  fluid  composed  of  lavender-water 
and  white-wine  negus. 

"  Can  we  be  of  any  service  to  you,  O  crusty  Crabbies?" 
said  the  four  children. 

"  Thank  you  kindly,"  said  the  Crabs  consecutively.  "  We 
are  trying  to  make  some  worsted  mittens,  but  do  not  know 
how." 

On  which  Violet,  who  was  perfectly  acquainted  with  the 
art  of  mitten-making,  said  to  the  Crabs,  "  Do  your  claws  un- 
screw, or  are  they  fixtures?  " 

"They  are  all  made  to  unscrew,"  said  the  Crabs;  and 
forthwith  they  deposited  a  great  pile  of  claws  close  to  the  boat, 
with  which  Violet  uncombed  all  the  pale  pink  worsted,  and  then 
made  the  loveliest  mittens  with  it  you  can  imagine.  These  the 
Crabs,  having  resumed  and  screwed  on  their  claws,  placed 
cheerfully  upon  their  wrists,  and  walked  away  rapidly  on  their 
hind-legs,  warbling  songs  with  a  silvery  voice  and  in  a  minor 
key. 

After  this,  the  four  little  people  sailed  on  again  till  they 
came  to  a  vast  and  wide  plain  of  astonishing  dimensions,  on 
which  nothing  whatever  could  be  discovered  at  first ;  but,  as  the 
travellers  walked  onward,  there  appeared  in  the  extreme  and 
dim  distance  a  single  object,  which  on  a  nearer  approach,  and 
on  an  accurately  cutaneous  inspection  seemed  to  be  somebody 
[160] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


in  a  large  white  wig,  sitting  on  an  arm-chair  made  of  sponge- 
cakes and  oyster-shells.  "  It  does  not  quite  look  like  a  human 
being,"  said  Violet  doubtfully;  nor  could  they  make  out  what 
it  really  was,  till  the  Quangle- Wangle  (who  had  previously 
been  round  the  world)  exclaimed  softly  in  a  loud  voice,  "It  is 
the  co-operative  Cauliflower! " 


And  so,  in  truth,  it  was :  and  they  soon  found  that  what  they 
had  taken  for  an  immense  wig  was  in  reahty  the  top  of  the 
Cauliflower;  and  that  he  had  no  feet  at  all,  being  able  to  walk 
tolerably  well  with  a  fluctuating  and  graceful  movement  on  a 
single  cabbage-stalk, — an  accomplishment  which  naturally 
saved  him  the  expense  of  stockings  and  shoes. 

Presently,  while  the  whole  party  from  the  boat  was  gazing 
at  him  with  mingled  affection  and  disgust,  he  suddenly  arose, 


and,  in  a  somewhat  plumdomphious  manner,  hurried  off  to- 
wards the  setting  sun, — his  steps  supported  by  two  superincum- 
[161] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


bent  confidential  Cucumbers,  and  a  large  number  of  Water- 
wagtails  proceeding  in  advance  of  him  by  three  and  three  in 
a  row, — till  he  finally  disappeared  on  the  brink  of  the  western 
sky  in  a  crystal  cloud  of  sudorific  sand. 

So  remarkable  a  sight,  of  course,  impressed  the  four  chil- 
dren very  deeply;  and  they  returned  immediately  to  their  boat 
with  a  strong  sense  of  undeveloped  asthma  and  a  great  appe- 
tite. 

Shortly  after  this,  the  travellers  were  obliged  to  sail  di- 
rectly below  some  high  overhanging  rocks,  from  the  top  of  one 
of  which  a  particularly  odious  little  boy,  dressed  in  rose-coloured 
knickerbockers,  and  with  a  pewter  plate  upon  his  head,  threw 
an  enormous  pumpkin  at  the  boat,  by  which  it  was  instantly 
upset. 


But  this  upsetting  was  of  no  consequence,  because  all  the 
partly  knew  how  to  swim  very  well:  and,  in  fact,  they  preferred 
swimming  about  till  after  the  moon  rose ;  when,  the  water  grow- 
ing chilly,  they  sponge-taneously  entered  the  boat.  Meanwhile 
the  Quangle- Wangle  threw  back  the  pumpkin  with  immense 
force,  so  that  it  hit  the  rocks  where  the  malicious  little  boy  in 
rose-coloured  knickerbockers  was  sitting;  when,  being  quite  full 
[162] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


of  lucifer-matches,  the  pumpkin  exploded  surreptitiously  into 
a  thousand  bits ;  whereon  the  rocks  instantly  took  fire,  and  the 
odious  little  boy  became  unpleasantly  hotter  and  hotter  and 
hotter,  till  his  knickerbockers  were  turned  quite  green,  and 
his  nose  was  burnt  off. 

Two  or  three  days  after  this  had  happened,  they  came  to 
another  place,  where  they  found  nothing  at  all  except  some 
wide  and  deep  pits  full  of  mulberry- jam.  This  is  the  property 
of  the  tiny,  yellow-nosed  Apes  who  abound  in  these  districts, 
and  who  store  up  the  mulberry- jam  for  their  food  in  winter, 
when  they  mix  it  with  pellucid  pale  periwinkle-soup,  and  serve 
it  out  in  wedgewood  china-bowls,  which  grow  freely  all  over 
that  part  of  the  country.  Only  one  of  the  yellow-nosed  Apes 
was  on  the  spot,  and  he  was  fast  asleep;  yet  the  four  travellers 
and  the  Quangle- Wangle  and  Pussy  were  so  terrified  by  the 
violence  and  sanguinary  sound  of  his  snoring,  that  they  merely 
took  a  small  cupful  of  the  jam,  and  returned  to  re-embark  in 
their  boat  without  delay. 

What  was  their  horror  on  seeing  the  boat  (including  the 
churn  and  the  tea-kettle)  in  the  mouth  of  an  enormous  Seeze 


Pyder,  an  aquatic  and  ferocious  creature  truly  dreadful  to  be- 
hold, and,  happily,  only  met  with  in  those  excessive  longitudes  I 
In  a  moment,  the  I  j  lutiful  boat  was  bitten  into  fifty-five  thou- 
sand million  hundred  billion  bits ;  and  it  instantly  became  quite 
[163] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


clear  that  Violet,  Slingsby,  Guy,  and  Lionel  could  no  longer 
preliminate  their  voyage  by  sea. 

The  four  travellers  were  therefore  obliged  to  resolve  on 
pursuing  their  wanderings  by  land:  and,  very  fortunately,  there 
happened  to  pass  by  at  that  moment  an  elderly  Rhinoceros,  on 
which  they  seized;  and,  all  four  mounting  on  his  back, — the 
Quangle- Wangle  sitting  on  his  horn,  and  holding  on  bj[  his 


ears,  and  the  Pussy-Cat  swinging  at  the  end  of  his  tail, — ^they 
set  off,  having  only  four  small  beans  and  three  pounds  of 
mashed  potatoes  to  last  through  their  whole  journey. 

They  were,  however,  able  to  catch  numbers  of  the  chickens 
and  turkeys  and  other  birds  who  incessantly  alighted  on  the 
head  of  the  Rhinoceros  for  the  purpose  of  gathering  the  seeds 
of  the  rhododendron-plants  which  grew  there;  and  these  crea- 
tures they  cooked  in  the  most  translucent  and  satisfactory  man- 
ner by  means  of  a  fire  lighted  on  the  end  of  the  Rhinoceros's 
back.  A  crowd  of  Kangaroos  and  gigantic  Cranes  accom- 
panied them,  from  feehngs  of  curiosity  and  complacency;  so 
that  they  were  never  at  a  loss  for  company,  and  went  onward, 
as  it  were,  in  a  sort  of  profuse  and  triumphant  procession. 

Thus  in  less  than  eighteen  weeks  they  all  arrived  safely  at 
[  164] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


home,  where  they  were  received  by  their  admiring  relatives  with 
joy  tempered  with  contempt,  and  where  they  finally  resolved 
to  carry  out  the  rest  of  their  travelling-plans  at  some  more  fa- 
vourable opportunity. 

As  for  the  Rhinoceros,  in  token  of  their  grateful  adherence, 
they  had  him  killed  and  stuffed  directly,  and  then  set  him  up 
outside  the  door  of  their  father's  house  as  a  diaphanous  door- 
scraper. 


1 166  ] 


THE  HISTORY  OF  THE  SEVEN  FAMILIES  OF 
THE  LAKE  PIPPLE-POPPLE 


CHAPTER  I 


INTRODUCTORY 

IN  former  days, — that  is  to  say,  once  upon  a  time, — there 
hved  in  the  Land  of  Gramble-Blamble  seven  families. 
They  lived  by  the  side  of  the  great  Lake  Pipple-Popple  (one 
of  the  seven  families,  indeed,  lived  in  the  lake) ,  and  on  the  out- 
skirts of  the  city  of  Tosh,  vt^hich,  excepting  when  it  v^^as  quite 
dark,  they  could  see  plainly.  The  names  of  all  these  places 
you  have  probably  heard  of;  and  you  have  only  not  to  look  in 
your  geography- books  to  find  out  all  about  them. 

Now,  the  seven  families  who  lived  on  the  borders  of  the 
great  Lake  Pipple-Popple  were  as  follows  in  the  next  chapter. 


[169] 


CHAPTER  II 

THE  SEVEN  FAMILIES 

THERE  was  a  family  of  two  old  Parrots  and  seven  young 
Parrots. 


There  was  a  family  of  two  old  Storks  and  seven  young  storks. 


[170] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 
There  was  a  family  of  two  old  Geese  and  seven  young  G^eese. 


There  was  a  family  of  two  old  Owls  and  seven  young  Owls. 


There  was  a  family  of  two  old  Guinea  Pigs  and  seven 
young  Guinea  Pigs. 


There  was  a  family  of  two  old  Cats  and  seven  young  Cats. 


[171] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

And  there  was  a  family  of  two  old  Fishes  and  seven  young 
Fishes. 


1 172  ] 


CHAPTER  III 


THE  HABITS  OF  THE  SEVEN  FAMILIES 

THE  Parrots  lived  upon  the  Soff sky-PofFsky  trees,  which 
were  beautiful  to  behold,  and  covered  with  blue  leaves; 
and  they  fed  upon  fruit,  artichokes,  and  striped  beetles. 

The  Storks  walked  in  and  out  of  the  Lake  Pipple-Popple, 
and  ate  frogs  for  breakfast,  and  buttered  toast  for  tea;  but  on 
account  of  the  extreme  length  of  their  legs  they  could  not  sit 
down,  and  sd  they  walked  about  continually. 

The  Geese,  having  webs  to  their  feet,  caught  quantities  of 
flies,  which  they  ate  for  dinner. 

The  Owls  anxiously  looked  after  mice,  which  they  caught, 
and  made  into  sago-puddings. 

The  Guinea  Pigs  toddled  about  the  gardens,  and  ate  let- 
tuces and  Cheshire  cheese. 

The  Cats  sate  still  in  the  sunshine,  and  fed  upon  sponge 
biscuits. 

The  Fishes  lived  in  the  lake,  and  fed  chiefly  on  boiled 
periwinkles. 

And  all  these  seven  families  lived  together  in  the  utmost 
fun  and  felicity. 


[173] 


CHAPTER  IV 


THE  CHILDREN  OF  THE  SEVEN  FAMILIES  AEE  SENT  AWAY 

ONE  day  all  the  seven  fathers  and  the  seven  mothers  of  the 
seven  families  agreed  that  they  would  send  their  chil- 
dren out  to  see  the  world. 

So  they  called  them  all  together,  and  gave  them  each  eight 
shillings  and  some  good  advice,  some  chocolate-drops,  and  a 
small  green  morocco  pocket-book  to  set  down  their  expenses 
in. 

They  then  particularly  entreated  them  not  to  quarrel ;  and 
all  the  parents  sent  off  their  children  with  a  parting  injunc- 
tion. 

"  If,"  said  the  old  Parrots,  '*  you  find  a  cherry,  do  not  fight 
about  who  should  have  it." 

"  And,"  said  the  old  Storks,  "  if  you  find  a  frog,  divide  it 
carefully  into  seven  bits,  but  on  no  account  quarrel  about  it." 

And  the  old  Geese  said  to  the  seven  young  Geese,  "  What- 
ever you  do,  be  sure  you  do  not  touch  a  plum-pudding  flea." 

And  the  old  Owls  said,  "If  you  find  a  mouse,  tear  him  up 
into  seven  slices,  and  eat  him  cheerfully,  but  without  quarrel- 
ling." 

And  the  old  Guinea  Pigs  said,  "  Have  a  care  that  you  eat 
your  lettuces,  should  you  find  any,  not  greedily,  but  calmly." 

And  the  old  Cats  said,  "  Be  particularly  careful  not  to 
meddle  with  a  clangle-wangle  if  you  should  see  one." 

And  the  old  Fishes  said,  "  Above  all  things,  avoid  eating 
[174] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

a  blue  boss-woss;  for  they  do  not  agree  with  fishes,  and  give 
them  a  pain  in  their  toes." 

So  all  the  children  of  each  family  thanked  their  parents; 
and,  making  in  all  forty-nine  polite  bows,  they  went  into  the 
wide  world. 


[175] 


CHAPTER  V 

THE  HISTORY  OF  THE  SEVEN  YOUNG  PAEROTS 

THE  seven  young  Parrots  had  not  gone  far,  when  they  saw 
a  tree  with  a  single  cherry  on  it,  which  the  oldest  Parrot 
picked  instantly;  but  the  other  six,  being  extremely  hungry, 
tried  to  get  it  also.  On  which  all  the  seven  began  to  fight ;  and 
they  scuffled, 

and  huffled, 
and  ruffled, 
and  shuffled, 
and  puffled, 
and  muffled, 
and  buffled, 
and  duffled, 
and  fluffled, 
and  guffled, 
and  bruffled, 

and  screamed,  and  shrieked  and 

squealed,  and  squeaked,  and  clawed,  and  snapped,  and  bit,  and 
bumped,  and  thumped,  and  dumped,  and  flumped  each  other, 
till  they  were  all  torn  into  little  bits;  and  at  last  there  was 
nothing  left  to  record  this  painful  incident  except  the  cherry 
and  seven  small  green  feathers. 

[176] 


1 177  ] 


CHAPTER  VI 


THE  HISTORY  OF  THE  SEVEN  YOUNG  STORKS 

HEN  the  seven  young  Storks  set  out,  they  walked  or 


T  V  flew  for  fourteen  weeks  in  a  straight  line,  and  for  six 
weeks  more  in  a  crooked  one ;  and  after  that  they  ran  as  hard 
as  they  could  for  one  hundred  and  eight  miles;  and  after  that 
they  stood  still,  and  made  a  himmeltanious  chatter-clatter-blat- 
tery  noise  with  their  bills. 

About  the  same  time  they  perceived  a  large  frog,  spotted 
with  green,  and  with  a  sky-blue  stripe  under  each  ear. 

So,  being  hungry,  they  immediately  flew  at  him,  and  were 
going  to  divide  him  into  seven  pieces,  when  they  began  to  quar- 
rel as  to  which  of  his  legs  should  be  taken  off  first.  One  said 
this,  and  another  said  that ;  ^nd  while  they  were  all  quarrelling, 
the  frog  hopped  away.  And  when  they  saw  that  he  was  gone, 
they  began  to  chatter-clatter, 

blatter-platter, 

patter-blatter, 


matter-clatter, 

flatter-quatter,  more  violently  than  ever ;  and  after 


they  had  fought  for  a  week,  they  pecked  each  other  all  to  little 
pieces,  so  that  at  last  nothing  was  left  of  any  of  them  except 
their  bDls. 


[178] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 
And  that  was  the  end  of  the  seven  young  Storks. 


[179] 


CHAPTER  VII 


THE  HISTORY  OF  THE  SEVEN  YOUNG  GEESE 

WHEN  the  seven  young  Geese  began  to  travel,  they  went 
over  a  large  plain,  on  which  there  was  but  one  tree,  and 
that  was  a  very  bad  one. 

So  four  of  them  went  up  to  the  top  of  it,  and  looked 
about  them;  while  the  other  three  waddled  up  and  down,  and 
repeated  poetry,  and  their  last  six  lessons  in  arithmetic,  geogra- 
phy, and  cookery. 

Presently  they  perceived,  a  long  way  off,  an  object  of  the 
most  interesting  and  obese  appearance,  having  a  perfectly 
round  body  exactly  resembling  a  boiled  plum-pudding,  with 
two  little  wings,  and  a  beak,  and  three  feathers  growing  out 
of  his  head,  and  only  one  leg. 

So,  after  a  time,  all  the  seven  young  Geese  said  to  each 
other,  "  Beyond  all  doubt  this  beast  must  be  a  Plum-pudding 
Flea!" 

On  which  they  incautiously  began  to  sing  aloud» 
"  Plum-pudding  Flea, 
Plum-pudding  Flea, 
Wherever  you  be. 
Oh!  come  to  our  tree. 
And  listen,  oh!  listen,  oh!  listen  to  me!  " 
And  no  sooner  had  they  sung  this  verse  than  the  Plum-pud- 
ding Flea  began  to  hop  and  skip  on  his  one  leg  with  the  most 
dreadful  velocity,  and  came  straight  to  the  tree,  where  he 
stopped,  and  looked  about  him  in  a  vacant  and  voluminous 
manner. 

[180] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


On  which  the  seven  young  Geese  were  greatly  alarmed, 
and  all  of  a  tremble-bemble :  so  one  of  them  put  out  his  long 
neck,  and  just  touched  him  with  the  tip  of  his  bill;  but  no 
sooner  had  he  done  this  than  the  Plum-pudding  Flea  skipped 
and  hopped  about  more  and  more,  and  higher  and  higher; 
after  which  he  opened  his  mouth,  and,  to  the  great  surprise 
and  indignation  of  the  seven  Geese,  began  to  bark  so  loudly 
and  furiously  and  terribly,  that  they  were  totally  unable  to 
bear  the  noise;  and  by  degrees  every  one  of  them  suddenly 
tumbled  down  quite  dead. 

So  that  was  the  end  of  the  seven  young  Geese. 


[181] 


CHAPTER  VIII 


THE  HISTORY  OF  THE  SEVEN  YOUNG  OWLS 

WHEN  the  seven  young  Owls  set  out,  they  sate  every 
now  and  then  on  the  branches  of  old  trees,  and  never 
went  far  at  one  time. 

And  one  night,  when  it  was  quite  dark,  they  thought  they 
heard  a  mouse;  but,  as  the  gas-lamps  were  not  lighted,  they 
could  not  see  him. 

So  they  called  out,  "  Is  that  a  mouse?" 
On  which  a  mouse  answered,  "Squeaky-peeky-weeky!  yes, 
itisi" 

And  immediately  all  the  young  Owls  threw  themselves  off 
the  tree,  meaning  to  alight  on  the  ground;  but  they  did  not 
perceive  that  there  was  a  large  well  below  them,  into  which 
they  all  fell  superficially,  and  were  every  one  of  them  drowned 
in  less  than  half  a  minute. 

So  that  was  the  end  of  the  seven  young  Owls. 


[182] 


CHAPTER  IX 


THE.  HISTORY  OF  THE  SEVEN  YOUNG  GUINEA  PIGS 

HE  seven  young  Guinea  Pigs  went  into  a  garden  full  of 


A.  gooseberry-bushes  and  tiggory-trees,  under  one  of  which 
they  fell  asleep.  When  they  awoke,  they  saw  a  large  lettuce, 
which  had  grown  out  of  the  ground  while  they  had  been  sleep- 
ing, and  which  had  an  immense  number  of  green  leaves.  At 
which  they  all  exclaimed, — 


"Lettuce!    O  lettuce 
Let  us,  O  let  us, 
O  lettuce-leaves, 
O  let  us  leave  this  tree,  and  eat 
Lettuce,  O  let  us,  lettuce-leaves!  " 


And  instantly  the  seven  young  Guinea  Pigs  rushed  with 
such  extreme  force  against  the  lettuce-plant,  and  hit  their  heads 
so  vividly  against  its  stalk,  that  the  concussion  brought  on  di- 
rectly an  incipient  transitional  inflammation  of  their  noses, 
which  grew  worse  and  worse  and  worse  and  worse,  till  it  inci- 
dentally killed  them  all  seven. 

And  that  was  the  end  of  the  seven  young  Guinea  Pigs. 


[183] 


CHAPTER  X 


THE  HISTORY  OF  THE  SEVEN  YOUNG  CATS 

THE  seven  young  Cats  set  off  on  their  travels  with  great 
delight  and  rapacity.  But,  on  coming  to  the  top  of  a 
high  hill,  they  perceived  at  a  long  distance  off  a  Clangle- 
Wangle  (or,  as  it  is  more  properly  written,  Clangel-Wangel) ; 
and,  in  spite  of  the  warning  they  had  had,  they  ran  straight  up 
to  it. 

(Now,  the  Clangle- Wangle  is  a  most  dangerous  and  de- 
lusive beast,  and  by  no  means  commonly  to  be  met  with.  They 
live  in  the  water  as  well  as  on  land,  using  their  long  tail  as  a 
sail  when  in  the  former  element.  Their  speed  is  extreme;  but 
their  habits  of  life  are  domestic  and  superfluous,  and  their  gen- 
eral demeanour  pensive  and  pellucid.  On  summer  evenings, 
they  may  sometimes  be  observed  near  the  Lake  Pipple-Popple, 
standing  on  their  heads,  and  humming  their  national  melodies. 
They  subsist  entirely  on  vegetables,  excepting  when  they  eat 
veal  or  mutton  or  pork  or  beef  or  fish  or  saltpetre.) 

The  moment  the  Clangle- Wangle  saw  the  seven  young 
Cats  approach,  he  ran  away ;  and  as  he  ran  straight  on  for  four 
months,  and  the  Cats,  though  they  continued  to  run,  could 
never  overtake  him,  they  all  gradually  died  of  fatigue  and  ex- 
haustion, and  never  afterwards  recovered. 

And  this  was  the  end  of  the  seven  young  Cats. 


[184] 


CHAPTER  XI 


THE  HISTORY  OF  THE  SEVEN  YOUNG  FISHES 

HE  seven  young  Fishes  swam  across  the  Lake  Pipple- 


M.  Popple,  and  into  the  river,  and  into  the  ocean;  where 
most  unhappily  for  them,  they  saw,  on  the  fifteenth  day  of  their 
travels,  a  bright-blue  Boss-Woss,  and  instantly  swam  after 
him.    But  the  Blue  Boss-Woss  plunged  into  a  perpendicular. 


where,  in  fact,  his  house  was. 

And  the  seven  young  Fishes,  swimming  with  great  and 
uncomfortable  velocity,  plunged  also  into  the  mud  quite , 
against  their  will,  and  not  being  accustomed  to  it,  were  all  suf- 
focated in  a  very  short  period. 

And  that  was  the  end  of  the  seven  young  Fishes. 


spicular, 
orbicular, 

quadrangular, 

circular  depth  of  soft  mud; 


[185] 


CHAPTER  XII 


OF  WHAT  OCCUREED  SUBSEQUENTLY 

AFTER  it  was  known  that  the 
seven  young  Parrots, 
and  the  seven  young  Storks, 
and  the  seven  young  Geese, 
and  the  seven  young  Owls, 
and  the  seven  young  Guinea  Pigs, 
and  the  seven  young  Cats, 
and  the  seven  young  Fishes, 
were  all  dead,  then  the  Frog,  and  the  Plum-Pudding  Flea,  and 
the  Mouse,  and  the  Clangle- Wangle,  and  the  Blue  Boss-Woss, 


all  met  together  to  rejoice  over  their  good  fortune.    And  they 
collected  the  seven  feathers  of  the  seven  young  Parrots,  and 
the  seven  bills  of  the  seven  young  Storks,  and  the  lettuce,  and 
[186] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


the  cherry;  and  having  placed  the  latter  on  the  lettuce,  and 
the  other  objects  in  a  circular  arrangement  at  their  base,  they 
danced  a  hornpipe  round  all  these  memorials  until  they  were 
quite  tired;  after  which  they  gave  a  tea-party,  and  a  garden- 
party,  and  a  ball,  and  a  concert,  and  then  returned  to  their  re- 
spective homes  full  of  joy  and  respect,  sympathy,  satisfaction, 
and  disgust. 


[187] 


CHAPTER  XIII 

OF   WHAT   BECAME   OF   THE    PAEENTS   OF   THE  FOETY-NINE 
CHILDREN 

BUT  when  the  two  old  Parrots, 
and  the  two  old  Storks, 
and  the  two  old  Geese, 
and  the  two  old  Owls, 
and  the  two  old  Guinea  Pigs, 
and  the  two  old  Cats, 
and  the  two  old  Fishes, 
became  aware,  by  reading  in  the  newspapers,  of  the  calamitous 
extinction  of  the  whole  of  their  families,  they  refused  all  fur- 
ther sustenance;  and,  sending  out  to  various  shops,  they  pur- 
chased great  quantities  of  Cayenne  pepper  and  brandy  and 
vinegar  and  blue  sealing-wax,  besides  seven  immense  glass 
bottles  with  air-tight  stoppers.    And,  having  done  this,  they 
ate  a  light  supper  of  brown-bread  and  Jerusalem  artichokes, 
and  took  an  affecting  and  formal  leave  of  the  whole  of  their 
acquaintance,  which  was  very  numerous  and  distinguished  and 
select  and  responsible  and  ridiculous. 


[188] 


CHAPTER  XIV 


CONCLUSION 

AND  after  this  they  filled  the  bottles  with  the  ingredients 
for  pickling,  and  each  couple  jumped  into  a  separate 
bottle;  by  which  elfort,  of  course,  they  all  died  immediately, 
and  became  thoroughly  pickled  in  a  few  minutes;  having  pre- 
viously made  their  wills  (by  the  assistance  of  the  most  eminent 
lawyers  of  the  district) ,  in  which  they  left  strict  orders  that  the 
stoppers  of  the  seven  bottles  should  be  carefully  sealed  up  with 
the  blue  sealing-wax  they  had  purchased;  and  that  they  them- 
selves, in  the  bottles,  should  be  presented  to  the  principal 
museum  of  the  city  of  Tosh,  to  be  labelled  with  parchment  or 
any  other  anti-congenial  succedaneum,  and  to  be  placed  on  a 
marble  table  with  silver-gilt  legs,  for  the  daily  inspection  and 
contemplation,  and  for  the  perpetual  benefit,  of  the  pusillani- 
mous public. 

And  if  you  ever  happen  to  go  to  Gramble-Blamble,  and 


[189] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

visit  that  museum  in  the  city  of  Tosh,  look  for  them  on  the 
ninety-eighth  table  in  the  four  hundred  and  twenty-seventh 
room  of  the  right-hand  corridor  of  the  left  wing  of  the  central 
quadrangle  of  that  magnificent  building;  for,  if  you  do  not,  you 
certainly  will  not  see  them. 


1 190] 


NONSENSE  COOKERY 


NONSENSE  COOKERY 


Extract  from  "  The  Nonsense  Gazette,"  for  August,  1870. 

OUR  readers  will  be  interested  in  the  following  com- 
munication from  our  valued  and  learned  contribu- 
tor, Prof.  Bosh,  whose  labours  in  the  fields  of  culinary  and  bo- 
tanical science  are  so  well  known  to  all  the  world.  The  first 
three  articles  richly  merit  to  be  added  to  the  domestic  cookery 
of  every  family:  those  which  follow  claim  the  attention  of  all 
botanists;  and  we  are  happy  to  be  able,  through  Prof.  Bosh's 
kindness,  to  present  our  readers  with  illustrations  of  his  dis- 
coveries. All  the  new  flowers  are  found  in  the  Valley  of  Ver- 
rikwier,  near  the  Lake  of  Oddgrow,  and  on  the  summit  of  the 
Hill  Orfeltugg." 


[193] 


THREE  RECEIPTS  FOR  DOMESTIC  COOKERY 


TO  MAKE  AN  AMBLONGUS  PIE 


AKE  4  pounds   (say  4  1-2  pounds)   of  fresh  Am- 
blongusses,  and  put  them  in  a  small  pipkin. 


Cover  them  with  water,  and  boil  them  for  8  hours  inces- 
santly; after  which  add  2  pints  of  new  milk,  and  proceed  to 
boil  for  4  hours  more. 

When  you  have  ascertained  that  the  Amblongusses  are 
quite  soft,  take  them  out,  and  place  them  in  a  wide  pan,  taking 
care  to  shake  them  well  previously. 

Grate  some  nutmeg  over  the  surface,  and  cover  them  care- 
fully with  powdered  gingerbread,  curry-powder,  and  a  suffi- 
cient quantity  of  Cayenne  pepper. 

Remove  the  pan  into  the  next  room,  and  place  it  on  the 
floor.  Bring  it  back  again,  and  let  it  simmer  for  three-quarters 
of  an  hour.  Shake  the  pan  violently  till  all  the  Amblongusses 
have  become  of  a  pale  purple  colour. 

Then,  having  prepared  the  paste,  insert  the  whole  care- 
fully; adding  at  the  same  time  a  small  pigeon,  2  slices  of  beef, 
4  cauHflowers,  and  any  number  of  oysters. 

Watch  patiently  till  the  crust  begins  to  rise,  and  add  a 
pinch  of  salt  from  time  to  time. 

Serve  up  in  a  clean  dish,  and  throw  the  whole  out  of  win- 
dow as  fast  as  possible. 


[  194] 


TO  MAKE  CRUMBOBBLIOUS  CUTLETS 


PROCURE  some  strips  of  beef,  and,  having  cut  them  into 
the  smallest  possible  slices,  proceed  to  cut  them  still 
smaller, — eight,  or  perhaps  nine  times. 

When  the  whole  is  thus  minced,  brush  it  up  hastily  with  a 
new  clothes-brush,  and  stir  round  rapidly  and  capriciously  with 
a  salt-spoon  or  a  soup-ladle. 

Place  the  whole  in  a  saucepan,  and  remove  it  to  a  sunny 
place, — say  the  roof  of  the  house,  if  free  from  sparrows  or  other 
birds, — and  leave  it  there  for  about  a  week. 

At  the  end  of  that  time  add  a  little  lavender,  some  oil  of 
almonds,  and  a  few  herring-bones;  and  then  cover  the  whole 
with  4  gallons  of  clarified  Crumbobblious  sauce,  when  it  will 
be  ready  for  use. 

Cut  it  into  the  shape  of  ordinary  cutlets,  and  serve  up  in  a 
clean  table-cloth  or  dinner-napkin. 


[195] 


TO  MAKE  GOSKY  PATTIES 


TAKE  a  pig  three  or  four  years  of  age,  and  tie  him  by  the 
off  hind-leg  to  a  post.  Place  5  pounds  of  currants,  3 
of  sugar,  2  pecks  of  peas,  18  roast  chestnuts,  a  candle,  and  6 
bushels  of  turnips,  within  his  reach:  if  he  eats  these,  constantly 
provide  him  with  more. 

Then  procure  some  cream,  some  slices  of  Cheshire  cheese, 
4  quires  of  foolscap  paper,  and  a  packet  of  black  pins.  Work 
the  whole  into  a  paste,  and  spread  it  out  to  dry  on  a  sheet  of 
clean  brown  waterproof  linen. 

When  the  paste  is  perfectly  dry,  but  not  before,  proceed 
to  beat  the  pig  violently  with  the  handle  of  a  large  broom.  If 
he  squeals,  beat  him  again. 

Visit  the  paste  and  beat  the  pig  alternately  for  some  days, 
and  ascertain  if,  at  the  end  of  that  period,  the  whole  is  about 
to  turn  into  Gosky  Patties. 

If  it  does  not  then,  it  never  will;  and  in  that  case  the  pig 
may  be  let  loose,  and  the  whole  process  may  be  considered  as 
finished. 


[196] 


NONSENSE  BOTANY 


Barkia  Howlaloudia. 


Enkoopia  Chickabiddia. 
[199] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Nasticreechia  Krorfuppia. 
[  200  ]• 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Sophtsluggia  Glutinosa. 
[201] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Shoebootia  Utilis. 
[202] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Stunnia  Diiinerbellia. 


Tickia  Orologica. 
[  203  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Washtubbia  Circularis. 


Tigerlillia  Terribilis. 
[204] 


NONSENSE  BOTANY. 


SECOND  SERIES. 


Baccopipia  Gracilis. 


Bottlephorkia  Spoonifolia. 
[207] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Manypeeplia  Upsidownia. 
[209] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Piggiwiggia  Pyramidalis. 
[210] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Pollybirdia  Singularis. 
[211] 


NONSENSE  BOTANY 


Armchairia  Comfortabilis. 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Bubblia  Blowpipia. 


Bluebottlia  Buzztilentia. 
[216] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Crabbia  Horrida. 


Smalltoothcombia  Domestica. 
[217] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Tureenia  Ladlecum. 
[218] 


Queeriflora  Babyoides. 
[219] 


NONSENSE  ALPHABETS 


A 

A 

JLM.  was  an  ant 

Who  seldom  stood  still, 
And  who  made  a  nice  house 
In  the  side  of  a  hill. 


a 

Nice  little  ant! 


B 

]B  was  a  book 
With  a  binding  of  blue, 
And  pictures  and  stories 
For  me  and  for  you. 

b 

Nice  little  book  I 
[228] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

C 


(>  was  a  cat 

Who  ran  after  a  rat; 
But  his  courage  did  fail 
When  she  seized  on  his  tail. 

C 

Crafty  old  catl 
[224] 


(THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

D 


D  was  a  duck 
With  spots  on  his  back, 
Who  lived  in  the  water, 
And  always  said  "  Quack  I " 


d 

Dear  httle  duckl 


[225] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


E 


was  an  elephant. 
Stately  and  wise: 
He  had  tusks  and  a  trunk, 
And  two  queer  little  eyes. 


e 

Oh,  what  funny  small  eyes  I 


[226] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

F 


\^  was  a  fisH 
Who  was  caught  in  a  net ; 
But  he  got  out  again, 
And  is  quite  alive  yet. 


f 

Lively  young  fish  I 


[227] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

G 


Oj}"  was  a  goat 
Who  was  spotted  with  brown: 
When  he  did  not  lie  still 
He  walked  up  and  down. 


g 

Grood  little  goat! 


[228] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

H 


H  was  a  hat 

Which  was  all  on  one  side; 
Its  crown  was  too  high, 
And  its  brim  was  too  wide. 


h 

Oh,  what  a  hat  I 


[229] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

I 


I  was  some  ice 
So  white  and  so  nice. 
But  which  nobody  tasted ; 
And  so  it  was  wasted. 


1 

All  that  good  ice  I 


[230] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

J 


tX  was  a  jackdaw 
Who  hopped  up  and  do\>  a 
In  the  principal  street 
Of  a  neighbouring  town. 


J 

All  through  the  town  I 


[231] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

K 


K  was  a  kite 
Which  flew  out  of  sight, 
Above  houses  so  high, 
Quite  into  the  sky. 

k 

Fly  away,  kite  I 


[232] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

L 


T  4  was  a  light 
Which  burned  all  the  night, 
And  hghted  the  gloom 
Of  a  very  dark  room. 


1 

Useful  nice  light  I 


[233] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

M 


M  was  a  mill 

Which  stood  on  a  hill, 

And  turned  round  and  round 

With  a  loud  hummy  sound. 


m 

Useful  old  mill! 


[234] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

N 


Which  was  thrown  in  the  sea 
To  catch  fish  for  dinner 
For  you  and  for  me. 


n 

Nice  little  netl 


[  235  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


O 


O 


was  an  orange 
So  yellow  and  round: 
When  it  fell  off  the  tree, 
It  fell  down  to  the  ground. 


O 

Down  to  the  ground  1 


[  236  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


P 


P 

JL     was  a  pig, 
Who  was  not  very  big; 
But  his  tail  was  too  curly, 
And  that  made  him  surly. 


P 

Cross  little  pig  I 


[237] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


^^^^ 


\^  was  a  quail 
With  a  very  short  tail; 
And  he  fed  upon  corn 
In  the  evening  and  mom. 


q 


Quaint  little  quail! 


[238] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

R 


R  was  a  rabbit. 
Who  had  a  bad  habit 
Of  eating  the  flowers 
In  gardens  and  bowers. 


r 

Naughty  fat  rabbit  1 


[239] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


O  was  the  sugar-tongs, 

Nippity-nee, 

To  take  up  the  sugar 

To  put  in  our  tea. 


S 

Nippity-nee  I 


[240] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


T 


T 

JL    was  a  tortoise, 
All  yellow  and  black; 
He  walked  slowly  away. 
And  he  never  came  back. 


t 

Torty  never  came  back  I 


[241] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

u 


U  was  an  urn 
All  polished  and  bright, 
And  full  of  hot  water 
At  noon  and  at  night. 


U 

Useful  old  urnl 


[242] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

V 


V  was  a  villa 
Which  stood  on  a  hill. 
By  the  side  of  a  river, 
And  close  to  a  mill. 


V 

Nice  little  villa! 


[243] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


w 


w  was  a  whale 

With  a  very  long  tail, 

Whose  movements  were  frantic 

Across  the  Atlantic. 


W 

Monstrous  old  whale! 


[244] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

X 


X  was  King  Xerxes, 
Who,  more  than  all  Turks,  is 
Renowned  for  his  fashion 
Of  fury  and  passion. 


X 

Angry  old  Xerxes  I 


[245] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

Y 


Y 

J.    was  a  yew, 
Which  flourished  and  grew 
By  a  quiet  abode 
Near  the  side  of  a  road. 


y 

Dark  little  yew! 


[246] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


z 


was  some  zinc. 
So  shiny  and  bright, 
Which  caused  you  to  v?ink 
In  the  sun's  merry  light. 


z 

Beautiful  zinc! 


[  247  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


a 

was  once  an  apple-pie, 

Pidy, 

Widy, 

Tidy, 

Pidy, 
Nice  insidy, 
Apple-pie ! 


b 

IB  was  once  a  little  bear, 
Beary, 
Wary, 
Hairy, 
Beary, 
Taky  cary. 
Little  bear! 
[248] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


c 

C/  was  once  a  little  cake, 

Caky, 

Baky, 

Maky, 

Caky, 
Taky  caky, 
Little  cakel 


[249] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


D 


DoUy, 
Molly, 
Polly, 
Nolly, 


Nursy  dolly. 
Little  doll! 


[250] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


E 


was  once  a  little  eel, 
Eely, 
Weely, 
Peely, 
Eely, 
Twirly,  tweely. 
Little  eel! 


F 


was  once  a  little  fish. 
Fishy, 
Wishy, 
Squishy, 
Fishy, 
In  a  dishy. 
Little  fishl 
[251] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

G 


yjf  was  once  a  little  goose, 

Goosy, 

Moosy, 

Boosey, 

Goosey, 
Waddly-woosy, 
Little  goose  I 


'[252] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


was  once  a  little  hen, 
Henny, 
Chenny, 
Tenny, 
Henny. 
Eggsy-any, 
Little  hen? 


1 


was  once  a  bottle  of  ink, 


Inky, 

Dinky, 

Thinky, 

Inky, 
Blacky  minky. 
Bottle  of  inkl 
[253] 


H 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


J 


J  was  once  a  jar  of  jam, 
Jammy, 
Mammy, 
Clammy, 
Jammy, 
Sweety,  swammy, 
Jar  of  jam! 


[254] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


K 


k 

Kl  was  once  a  little  kite, 

Kity, 

Whity, 

Flighty, 

Kity, 
Out  of  sighty, 
Little  kite  I 


[255] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


L 


T  J  was  once  a  little  lark. 

Larky, 

Marky, 

Harky, 

Larky, 
Ib  the  parky. 
Little  lark! 


M 


Mousy, 

Bousy, 

Sousy, 

Mousy, 
In  the  housy, 
Little  mouse! 
[256] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


N 


n 

was  once  a  little  needle, 

Needly, 

Tweedly, 

Threedly, 

Needly, 
Wisky,  wheedly, 
Little  needle  I 


[257] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK! 


o 


o 

^)  was  once  a  little  owl, 
Owly, 
Prowly, 
Howly, 
Owly, 
Browny  fowly. 
Little  owl! 


[258] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

P 


P 

]P  was  once  a  little  pump, 
Pumpy, 
Slumpy, 
Flumpy, 
Pumpy, 
Dumpy,  thumpy. 
Little  pump! 


[259] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


was  once  a  little  quail. 


Quaily, 

Faily, 

Daily, 

Quaily, 
Stumpy-taily, 
Little  quail  I 


[260] 


q 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


R 


Rosy, 
Posy, 
Nosy, 
Rosy, 
Blows-y,  grows-y. 
Little  rosel 


[261] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


s 


Shrimpy, 
Nimpy, 
Flimpy, 
Shrimpy. 
Jumpy,  jimpy. 
Little  shrimp  I 


[262] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


T 


Thrushy, 

Hushy, 

Bushy, 

Thrushy, 
Flitty,  flushy, 
Little  thrush! 


[263] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


u 


u 

U  was  once  a  little  urn, 
Urny, 
Burny, 
Turny, 
Urny, 
Bubbly,  burny. 
Little  urn  I 


[264] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


V 


V 

was  once  a  little  vine, 

Viny, 

Winy, 

Twiny, 

Viny, 
Twisty-twiny, 
Little  vine! 


[265] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


w 

W  was  once  a  whale, 
Whaly, 
Scaly, 
Shaly, 
Whaly, 
Tumbly-taily, 
Mighty  whale! 


[266] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


X 


X 

was  once  a  great  king  Xerxes, 
Xerxy, 
Perxy, 
Turxy, 
Xerxy, 
Linxy,  lurxy. 
Great  King  Xerxes! 


[267] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


was  once  a  little  yew. 


Yewdy, 
Fewdy, 
Cnidy, 
Yewdy, 
Growdy,  grewdy. 
Little  yew! 


[268] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


was  once  a  piece  of  zinc, 


Tinky, 

Winky, 

Blinky, 

Tinky, 
Tinkly  minky, 
Piece  of  zinc ! 


[269] 


Z 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


A 


A 

AM,  was  an  ape. 

Who  stole  some  white  tape, 
And  tied  up  his  toes 
In  four  beautiful  bows 


a 

Funny  old  ape  I 
[270] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


B 


jB  was  a  bat, 

Who  slept  all  the  day, 
And  fluttered  about 
When  the  sun  went  away. 


b 

Brown  little  batl 


[271] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


c 


was  a  camel: 
You  rode  on  his  hump; 
And  if  you  fell  off, 
You  came  down  such  a  bump! 


C 

What  a  high  camel! 


[272] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


D 


D  was  a  dove, 

Who  lived  in  a  wood, 
With  such  pretty  soft  wings, 
And  so  gentle  and  good! 


d 

Dear  little  dove! 


[273] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


E 


was  an  eagle, 
Who  sat  on  the  rocks, 
And  looked  down  on  the  fields 
And  the  far-away  flocks. 

e 

Beautiful  eagle! 


[274] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


was  a  fan 
Made  of  beautiful  stuff ; 
And  when  it  was  used, 
It  went  pufFy-pufF-puffl 


Nice  little  fan! 


G 


(jf  was  a  gooseberry. 
Perfectly  red; 
To  be  made  into  jam. 
And  eaten  with  bread. 


Gooseberry  red! 
[  275  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


H  was  a  heron. 

Who  stood  in  a  stream: 
The  length  of  his  neck 
And  his  legs  was  extreme. 


h 

Long-legged  heron! 


[276] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


I 


was  an  inkstand, 
Which  stood  on  a  table, 
With  a  nice  pen  to  write  with 
When  we  are  able. 

1 

Neat  little  inkstand  1 


was  a  jug, 
So  pretty  and  white. 
With  fresh  water  in  it 
At  morning  and  night. 


J 


Nice  little  jug  I 
[277] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

K 


m\.  was  a  kingfisher: 
Quickly  he  flew. 
So  bright  and  so  pretty! — 
Green,  purple,  and  blue. 


k 

Kingfisher  bluel 


[278] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


L 


I-^  was  a  lily, 

So  white  and  so  sweet! 
To  see  it  and  smell  it 
Was  quite  a  nice  treat. 


1 

Beautiful  lily  I 


[279] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

M 


M 

X  ▼  X  was  a  man, 

Who  walked  round  and  round ; 

And  he  wore  a  long  coat 

That  came  down  to  the  ground. 


m 

Funny  old  man  I 


[280] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

N 


was  a  nut 

So  smooth  and  so  brown  1 
And  when  it  was  ripe, 
It  fell  tumble-dum-down. 

n 

Nice  little  nut! 


o 


^)  was  an  oyster, 

Who  lived  in  his  shell: 
If  you  let  him  alone, 
*    He  felt  perfectly  well. 

O 

Open-mouthed  oyster! 


[281] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


P 


was  a  poUy, 
All  red,  blue,  and  green, — 
The  most  beautiful  polly 
That  ever  was  seen. 

P 

Poor  little  polly! 


Q 


Q 


was  a  quill 
Made  into  a  pen; 
But  I  do  not  know  where, 
And  I  cannot  say  when. 


Nice  little  quill! 
[282  ] 


'  THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


R 


R  was  a  rattlesnake, 
Rolled  up  so  tight, 
Those  who  saw  him  ran  quickly. 
For  fear  he  should  bite. 

r 

Rattlesnake  bite  I 

s 

C 

was  a  screw 
To  screw  down  a  box; 
And  then  it  was  fastened 
Without  any  locks. 

S 

Valuable  screw  1 


[283] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


T 

was  a  thimble, 
Of  silver  so  bright  1 
When  placed  on  the  finger. 
It  fitted  so  tight! 

t 

Nice  little  thimble  I 


u 


u  was  an  upper-coat. 
Woolly  and  warm. 
To  wear  over  all 
In  the  snow  or  the  storm. 

U 

What  a  nice  upper-coat  I 
[284] 


THE,  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


V 


V  was  a  veil 

With  a  border  upon  it, 
And  a  ribbon  to  tie  it 
All  round  a  pink  bonnet. 


V 

Pretty  green  veil! 


[285] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


W 


w  was  a  watch. 

Where,  in  letters  of  gold. 
The  hour  of  the  day 
You  might  always  behold. 


W 

Beautiful  watch! 


[286] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


[287] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Y 


was  a  yat. 

From  the  land  of  Thibet: 
Except  his  white  tail. 
He  was  all  black  as  jet. 


y 

Look  at  the  yak  I 


[288] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

z 


j/^  was  a  zebra, 

All  striped  white  and  black; 

And  if  he  were  tame, 

You  might  ride  on  his  back. 


Z 

Pretty  striped  zebra! 


[289] 


ONE  HUNDRED  NONSENSE  PICTURES 
AND  RHYMES 


There  was  a  young  person  of  Bantry, 

Who  frequently  slept  in  the  pantry; 

When  disturbed  by  the  mice,  she  appeased  them  with  rice, 

That  judicious  young  person  of  Bantry. 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Minety, 
Who  purchased  five  hundred  and  ninety 
Large  apples  and  pears,  which  he  threw  unawares 
At  the  heads  of  the  people  of  Minety. 

[293  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  Old  Man  at  a  Junction, 
Whose  feelings  were  wrung  with  compunction 
When  they  said,  "  The  Train's  gone  I "  he  exclaimed,  *'  How 
forlorn ! " 

But  remained  on  the  rails  of  the  Junction. 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Thermopyloe, 
Who  never  did  anything  properly; 

But  they  said,  "  If  you  choose  to  boil  eggs  in  your  shoes, 
You  shall  never  remain  in  Thermopyloe." 

[294] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Deal, 

Who  in  walking  used  only  his  heel ; 

When  they  said,  "  Tell  us  why? "  he  made  no  reply, 


There  was  an  old  man  on  the  Humber, 

Who  dined  on  a  cake  of  Burnt  Umber; 

When  he  said,  "  It's  enough!  "  they  only  said,  "  Stuff! 

You  amazing  old  man  on  the  Humber! " 


[  295  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Toulouse 


Who  purchased  a  new  pair  of  shoes; 

When  they  asked,  "Are  they  pleasant?"  he  said,  "Not  at 

present ! " 
That  turbid  old  man  of  Toulouse. 

[296] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Dunrose ; 
A  parrot  seized  hold  of  his  nose. 

When  he  grew  melancholy,  they  said,  "  His  name's  Polly, 
Which  soothed  that  old  man  of  Dunrose. 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Bree, 

Who  frequented  the  depths  of  the  sea; 

She  nurs'd  the  small  fishes,  and  washed  all  the  dishes, 

And  swam  back  again  into  Bree. 

[297] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Shields, 

Who  frequented  the  vallies  and  fields; 

AH  the  mice  and  the  cats,  and  the  snakes  and  the  rats, 

Followed  after  that  person  of  Shields. 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Bromley, 
Whose  ways  were  not  cheerful  or  comely; 
He  sate  in  the  dust,  eating  spiders  and  crust, 
That  impleasing  old  person  of  Bromley. 
[298] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Dunluce, 

Who  went  out  to  sea  on  a  goose: 

When  he'd  gone  out  a  mile,  he  observ'd  with  a  smile, 

"  It  is  time  to  return  to  Dunluce." 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Dee-side 
Whose  hat  was  exceedingly  wide, 
But  he  said,  "  Do  not  fail,  if  it  happen  to  hail. 
To  come  under  my  hat  at  Dee-side! " 

[299] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Who  purchased  six  barrels  of  Gargle; 

For  he  said,  "  I'll  sit  still,  and  will  roll  them  down  hill, 

For  the  fish  in  the  depths  of  the  Dargle." 

[300] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Pinner, 

As  thin  as  a  lath,  if  not  thinner; 

They  dressed  him  in  white,  and  roU'd  him  up  tight. 

That  elastic  old  person  of  Pinner. 


There  was  an  old  man  in  a  Marsh, 
Whose  manners  were  futile  and  harsh; 
He  sate  on  a  log,  and  sang  songs  to  a  frog, 
That  instructive  old  man  in  a  Marsh. 

[301] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


But  they  said,  "  Don't  you  wish,  you  mayn't  look  like  a  fish. 
You  obsequious  old  person  of  Brill? " 

[302] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Wick, 

Who  said,  "  Tick-a-Tick,  Tick-a-Tick ; 

Chickabee,  Chickabaw."    And  he  said  nothing  more, 

That  laconic  old  person  of  Wick. 

[303] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Three  Bridges, 
Whose  mind  was  distracted  by  midges, 
He  sate  on  a  wheel,  eating  underdone  veal, 
Which  relieved  that  old  man  of  Three  Bridges. 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Hong  Kong, 
Who  never  did  anything  wrong; 
He  lay  on  his  back,  with  his  head  in  a  sack. 
That  innocuous  old  man  of  Hong  Kong. 
[304] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Fife, 

Who  was  greatly  disgusted  with  life; 

They  sang  him  a  ballad,  and  fed  him  on  salad, 


There  was  a  young  person  in  green, 
Who  seldom  was  fit  to  be  seen; 
She  wore  a  long  shawl,  over  bonnet  and  all, 
Which  enveloped  that  person  in  green. 
[305  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  man  who  screamed  out 
Whenever  they  knocked  him  about: 
So  they  took  off  his  boots,  and  fed  him  with  fruits, 
And  continued  to  knock  him  about. 


There  was  a  young  lady  in  white, 

Who  looked  out  at  the  depths  of  the  night; 

But  the  birds  of  the  air,  filled  her  heart  with  despair. 

And  oppressed  that  young  lady  in  white. 

[306] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Slough, 
Who  danced  at  the  end  of  a  bough; 

But  they  said,  "If  you  sneeze,  you  might  damage  the  trees, 
You  imprudent  old  person  of  Slough." 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Down, 

Whose  face  was  adorned  with  a  f rown ; 

When  he  opened  the  door,  for  one  minute  or  more, 

He  alarmed  all  the  people  of  Down. 

[307] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  young  person  in  red. 

Who  carefully  covered  her  head, 

With  a  bonnet  of  leather,  and  three  lines  of  feather, 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Hove, 

Who  frequented  the  depths  of  a  grove; 

Where  he  studied  his  books,  with  the  wrens  and  the  rooks. 

That  tranquil  old  person  of  Hove. 

[308] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  young  person  in  pink, 
Who  called  out  for  something  to  drink; 


There  was  an  old  lady  of  France, 

Who  taught  little  ducklings  to  dance; 

When  she  said,  "  Tick-a-tack!  "  they  only  said,  "  Quack!  " 

Which  grieved  that  old  lady  of  France. 

[309] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Putney, 
Whose  food  was  roast  spiders  and  chutney, 
Which  he  took  with  his  tea,  within  sight  of  the  sea. 
That  romantic  old  person  of  Putney. 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Loo, 

Who  said,  "  What  on  earth  shall  I  do?  " 

When  they  said,  "  Go  away!  "  she  continued  to  stay. 

That  vexatious  old  person  of  Loo. 

[310] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Woking, 
Whose  mind  was  perverse  and  provoking; 
He  sate  on  a  rail,  with  his  head  in  a  pail, 
That  illusive  old  person  of  Woking. 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Dean 

Who  dined  on  one  pea,  and  one  bean ; 

For  he  said,  "  More  than  that,  would  make  me  too  fat." 

That  cautious  old  person  of  Dean. 

[311] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  young  lady  in  blue, 

Who  said,  "  Is  it  you?    Is  it  you? " 

When  they  said,  "  Yes,  it  is,"  she  replied  only,  "  Whizz  I  " 

That  ungracious  young  lady  in  blue. 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Pisa, 

Whose  daughters  did  nothing  to  please  her; 

She  dressed  them  in  grey,  and  banged  them  all  day, 

Round  the  walls  of  the  city  of  Pisa. 

[312] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  man  in  a  garden, 

Who  always  begged  every  one's  pardon; 

When  they  asked  him,  "What  for?"  he  replied,  "  You're  a 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Florence, 

Who  held  mutton  chops  in  abhorrence; 

He  purchased  a  Bustard,  and  fried  him  in  Mustard, 

Which  choked  that  old  person  of  Florence. 

[313] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Sheen, 

Whose  expression  was  calm  and  serene; 

He  sate  in  the  water,  and  drank  bottled  porter. 

That  placid  old  person  of  Sheen. 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Cashmere, 
Whose  movements  were  scroobious  and  queer; 
Being  slender  and  tall,  he  looked  over  a  wall, 
And  perceived  two  fat  ducks  of  Cashmere. 


[314] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Ware, 
Who  rode  on  the  back  of  a  bear : 
When  they  ask'd,  "  Does  it  trot?  " 


he  said,  "  Certainly  not! 


There  was  a  young  person  of  Janina, 

Whose  uncle  was  always  a  fanning  her; 

When  he  fanned  off  her  head,  she  smiled  sweetly,  and  said, 

"  You  propitious  old  person  of  Janina !  " 

[315] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Cassel, 

Whose  nose  finished  off  in  a  tassel ; 

But  they  call'd  out,  "  Oh  well!  don't  it  look  Uke  a  bell!  " 

Which  perplexed  that  old  person  of  Cassel. 

[316] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Spithead, 

Who  opened  the  window,  and  said, — 

"  Fil-jomble,  fil- jumble,  fil-rumble-come-tumble !  " 

That  doubtful  old  man  of  Spithead. 


There  was  an  old  man  on  the  Border, 

Who  lived  in  the  utmost  disorder; 

He  danced  with  the  cat,  and  made  tea  in  his  hat, 

Which  vexed  all  the  folks  on  the  Border. 

[317] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Filey, 

Of  whom  his  acquaintance  spoke  highly; 

He  danced  perfectly  well,  to  the  sound  of  a  bell, 

And  delighted  the  people  of  Filey. 

[318] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  man  whose  remorse 

Induced  him  to  drink  Caper  Sauce ; 

For  they  said,  "  If  mixed  up  with  some  cold  claret-cup, 

It  will  certainly  soothe  your  remorse!  " 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Ibreem, 

Who  suddenly  threaten'd  to  scream: 

But  they  said,  "  If  you  do,  we  will  thump  you  quite  blue. 

You  disgusting  old  man  of  Ibreem!" 

[319] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Wilts, 

Who  constantly  walked  upon  stilts ; 

He  wreathed  them  with  lilies  and  daffy-down-dillies, 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Grange, 
Whose  manners  were  scroobious  and  strange; 
He  sailed  to  St.  Blubb  in  a  waterproof  tub, 
That  aquatic  old  person  of  Grange. 

[320] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Dumblane, 
Who  greatly  resembled  a  crane ; 

But  they  said,  "  Is  it  wrong,  since  your  legs  are  so  long, 
To  request  you  won't  stay  in  Dumblane? " 


There  was  an  old  man  of  El  Hums, 
Who  lived  upon  nothing  but  crumbs, 

Which  he  picked  off  the  ground,  with  the  other  birds  round, 
In  the  roads  and  the  lanes  of  El  Hums. 

[321] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  man  of  West  Dumpet, 
Who  possessed  a  large  nose  like  a  trumpet; 
When  he  blew  it  aloud,  it  astonished  the  crowd, 
And  was  heard  through  the  whole  of  West  Dumpet. 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Port  Grigor, 

Whose  actions  were  noted  for  vigour; 

He  stood  on  his  head  till  his  waistcoat  turned  red, 

iThat  eclectic  old  man  of  Port  Grigor. 

[322  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Newry, 
Whose  manners  were  tinctured  with  fury; 
He  tore  all  the  rugs,  and  broke  all  the  jugs, 
Within  twenty  miles'  distance  of  Newry. 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Sark, 
Who  made  an  unpleasant  remark; 

But  they  said,  "  Don't  you  see  what  a  brute  you  must  be, 
You  obnoxious  old  person  of  Sark !  " 

[  323  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Barnes, 

Whose  garments  were  covered  with  darns; 

But  they  said,  "  Without  doubt,  you  will  soon  wear  them  out. 

You  luminous  person  of  Barnes!  " 

[324] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Nice, 

Whose  associates  were  usually  Geese. 

They  walked  out  together  in  all  sorts  of  weather, 

That  affable  person  of  Nice! 


There  was  a  young  lady  of  Greenwich, 
Whose  garments  were  border'd  with  Spinach; 
But  a  large  spotty  Calf  bit  her  shawl  quite  in  half, 
Which  alarmed  that  young  lady  of  Greenwich. 
[325  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  in  grey, 

Whose  feelings  were  tinged  with  dismay; 

She  purchased  two  parrots,  and  fed  them  with  carrots. 

Which  pleased  that  old  person  in  grey. 

[326] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Hyde, 

Who  walked  by  the  shore  with  his  bride, 

Till  a  Crab  who  came  near  fill'd  their  bosoms  with  fear. 

And  they  said,  "  Would  we'd  never  left  Hyde!  " 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Ickley, 
Who  could  not  abide  to  ride  quickly; 
He  rode  to  Karnak  on  a  tortoise's  back, 
That  moony  old  person  of  Ickley. 

[327  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Sestri, 
What  sate  himself  down  in  the  vestry; 

When  they  said,  "  You  are  wrong!  "  he  merely  said  "  Bong!  " 
That  repulsive  old  person  of  Sestri. 

[328] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Blythe, 
Who  cut  up  his  meat  with  a  scythe; 

When  they  said,  "Weill  I  never!"  he  cried,  "Scythes  for 
ever ! " 

That  lively  old  person  of  Blythe. 


There  was  a  young  person  of  Ayr, 

Whose  head  was  remarkably  square: 

On  the  top,  in  fine  weather,  she  wore  a  gold  feather; 

Which  dazzled  the  people  of  Ayr. 

[329] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Rimini, 

Who  said,  "Gracious!  Goodness!  O  Gimini!" 

When  they  said,  "  Please  be  still! "  she  ran  dovm  a  hill. 

And  was  never  more  heard  of  at  Rimini. 


There  is  a  young  lady,  whose  nose. 

Continually  prospers  and  grows; 

When  it  grew  out  of  sight,  she  exclaimed  in  a  fright, 

"  Oh!  Farewell  to  the  end  of  my  nose!  " 

[330] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Ealing, 

Who  was  wholly  devoid  of  good  feeling; 

He  drove  a  small  gig,  with  three  Owls  and  a  Pig, 

Which  distressed  all  the  people  of  Ealing. 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Thames  Ditton, 
Who  called  out  for  something  to  sit  on; 
But  they  brought  him  a  hat,  and  said,  "  Sit  upon  that, 
You  abruptions  old  man  of  Thames  Ditton  1 " 
[331] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Bray, 

Who  sang  through  the  whole  of  the  day 

To  his  ducks  and  his  pigs,  whom  he  fed  upon  figs. 

That  valuable  person  of  Bray. 


There  was  a  young  person  whose  history 
Was  always  considered  a  mystery; 
She  sate  in  a  ditch,  although  no  one  knew  which. 
And  composed  a  small  treatise  on  history. 

[332  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Bow, 
Whom  nobody  happened  to  know ; 

So  they  gave  him  some  soap,  and  said  coldly,  "  We  hope 
You  will  go  back  directly  to  Bow! " 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Rye, 
Who  went  up  to  town  on  a  fly; 

But  they  said,  "  If  you  cough,  you  are  safe  to  fall  off! 
You  abstemious  old  person  of  Rye !  " 

[  333  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Crowle, 
Who  lived  in  the  nest  of  an  owl; 

When  they  screamed  in  the  nest,  he  screamed  out  with  the  rest. 
That  depressing  old  person  in  Crowle. 


There  was  an  old  Lady  of  Winchelsea, 

Who  said,  *'  If  you  needle  or  pin  shall  see 

On  the  floor  of  my  room,  sweep  it  up  with  the  broom  I " 

That  exhaustive  old  Lady  of  Winchelsea! 

[334] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  man  in  a  tree, 

[Whose  whiskers  were  lovely  to  see; 

But  the  birds  of  the  air  pluck'd  them  perfectly  bare, 

To  make  themselves  nests  in  that  tree. 


There  was  a  young  lady  of  Corsica, 
Who  purchased  a  little  brown  saucy-cur; 
Which  she  fed  upon  ham,  and  hot  raspberry  jam. 
That  expensive  young  lady  of  Corsica. 

[335  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Stroud, 

Who  was  horribly  jammed  in  a  crowd; 

Some  she  slew  with  a  kick,  some  she  scrunched  with  a  stick, 

That  impulsive  old  person  of  Stroud. 


There  was  a  young  lady  of  Firle, 
Whose  hair  was  addicted  to  curl ; 
It  curled  up  a  tree,  and  all  over  the  sea, 
That  expansive  young  lady  of  Firle. 
[  336] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Boulak, 
Who  sate  on  a  Crocodile's  back; 

But  they  said,  "  Towr'ds  the  night  he  may  probably  bite, 
Which  might  vex  you,  old  man  of  Boulak !  " 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Skye, 

Who  waltz'd  with  a  Bluebottle  fly: 

They  buzz'd  a  sweet  tune,  to  the  light  of  the  moon. 

And  entranced  all  the  people  of  Skye. 

[337] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Blackheath, 
^Vhose  head  was  adorned  with  a  wreath 
Of  lobsters  and  spice,  pickled  onions  and  mice. 
That  micommon  old  man  of  Blackheath. 


[338] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  man,  who  when  little, 
Fell  casually  into  a  kettle; 
But  growing  too  stout,  he  could  never  get  out, 
So  he  passed  all  his  life  in  that  kettle. 


[339] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Dundalk, 
Who  tried  to  teach  fishes  to  walk; 

When  they  tumbled  down  dead,  he  grew  weary,  and  said, 
"  I  had  better  go  back  to  Dundalk! " 


[340] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Shoreham, 
Whose  habits  were  marked  by  decorum; 
He  bought  an  Umbrella,  and  sate  in  the  cellar, 
Which  pleased  all  the  people  of  Shoreham. 


[841] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Bar, 

Who  passed  all  her  life  in  a  jar, 

Which  she  painted  pea-green,  to  appear  more  serene. 

That  placid  old  person  of  Bar. 


[342] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  a  young  person  of  Kew, 

Whose  virtues  and  vices  were  few; 

But  with  blamable  haste  she  devoured  some  hot  paste, 

Which  destroyed  that  young  person  of  Kew. 


[848] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Jodd, 
Whose  ways  were  perplexing  and  odd; 
She  purchased  a  whistle,  and  sate  on  a  thistle. 
And  squeaked  to  the  people  of  J  odd. 


[344] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Bude, 
Whose  deportment  was  vicious  and  crude; 
He  wore  a  large  ruff  of  pale  straw-coloured  stuff, 
Which  perplexed  all  the  people  of  Bude. 


[345] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  person  of  Brigg, 

Who  purchased  no  end  of  a  wig; 

So  that  only  his  nose,  and  the  end  of  his  toes, 

Could  be  seen  when  he  walked  about  Brigg. 


[346] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  was  an  old  man  of  Messina, 
Whose  daughter  was  named  Opsibeena; 
She  wore  a  small  wig,  and  rode  out  on  a  pig. 
To  the  perfect  delight  of  Messina. 


[847] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 
AN  ALPHABET 


The  Absolutely  Abstemious  Ass, 

who  resided  in  a  Barrel,  and  only  lived  on 

Soda  Water  and  Pickled  Cucumbers. 


The  Bountiful  Beetle, 

who  always  carried  a  Green  Umbrella  when  it  didn't  rain, 
and  left  it  home  when  it  did. 

[348] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


The  Comfortable  Confidential  Cow, 

who  sate  in  her  Red  Morocco  Arm  Chair  and 

toasted  her  own  Bread  at  the  parlour  Fire. 


The  Dolomphious  Duck, 

who  caught  Spotted  Frogs  for  her  dinner 

with  a  Runcible  Spoon. 


[349] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


The  Enthusiastic  Elephant, 

who  ferried  himself  across  the  water  with  the 

Kitchen  Poker  and  a  New  pair  of  Ear-rings. 


The  Fizzgiggious  Fish, 

who  always  walked  about  upon  Stilts, 

because  he  had  no  legs. 

[350] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


The  Good-natured  Grey  Gull, 

who  carried  the  Old  Owl,  and  his  Crimson  Carpet-bag, 
across  the  river,  because  he  could  not  swim. 


The  Hasty  Higgeldipiggledy  Hen, 

who  went  to  market  in  a  Blue  Bonnet  and  Shawl, 

and  bought  a  Fish  for  her  Supper. 


[351] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


The  Inventive  Indian, 

who  caught  a  Remarkable  Rabbit  in  a 

Stupendous  Silver  Spoon. 


The  Judicious  Jubilant  J  ay, 

who  did  up  her  Back  Hair  every  morning  with  a  Wreath  of 
Roses, 

Three  feathers,  and  a  .Gold  Pin. 


[352] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


The  Kicking  Kangaroo, 

who  wore  a  Pale  Pink  Muslin  dress 

with  Blue  spots. 


The  Lively  Learned  Lobster, 
who  mended  his  own  Clothes  with 
a  Needle  and  Thread. 


[353] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


The  Melodious  Meritorious  Mouse, 
who  played  a  merry  minuet  on  the 
Piano-forte. 


.The  Nutritious  Newt, 

who  purchased  a  Round  Plum-pudding 

for  his  grand-daughter. 


[354] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


The  Obsequious  Ornamental  Ostrich, 
who  wore  Boots  to  keep  his 
feet  quite  dry. 


The  Perpendicular  Purple  Polly, 

who  read  the  Newspaper  and  ate  Parsnip  Pie 

with  his  Spectacles. 

[355] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


The  Queer  Querulous  Quail, 

who  smoked  a  Pipe  of  Tobacco  on  the  top  of 

a  Tin  Tea-kettle. 


The  Rural  Runcible  Raven, 

who  wore  a  White  Wig  and  flew  away 

with  the  Carpet  Broom. 


[356] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


The  Scroobious  Snake, 

who  always  wore  a  Hat  on  his  Head,  for 

fear  he  should  bite  anybody. 


The  Tumultuous  Tom-tommy  Tortoise, 
who  beat  a  Drum  all  day  long  in  the 
middle  of  the  wilderness. 


[357] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


The  Umbrageous  Umbrella-maker, 

whose  Face  nobody  ever  saw,  because  it  was 

always  covered  by  his  Umbrella. 


The  Visibly  Vicious  Vulture, 

who  wrote  some  Verses  to  a  Veal-cutlet  in  a 

Volume  bound  in  Vellum. 


[358] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


The  Worrying  Whizzing  Wasp, 

who  stood  on  a  Table,  and  played  sweetly  on  a 

Flute  with  a  Morning  Cap. 


The  Excellent  Double-extra  XX 
imbibing  King  Xerxes,  who  lived  a 
long  while  ago. 


[359] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


The  Yongb3'^-Bonghy-Bo, 

whose  Head  was  ever  so  much  bigger  than  his 

Body,  and  whose  Hat  was  rather  small. 


The  Zigzag  Zealous  Zebra, 

who  carried  five  monkeys  on  his  back  all 

the  way  to  Jellibolee. 


[360] 


LAUGHABLE  LYRICS 


LAUGHABLE  LYRICS 


THE  DONG  WITH  A  LUMINOUS  NOSE 

WHEN  awful  darkness  and  silence  reign 
Over  the  great  Gromboolian  plain, 
Through  the  long,  long  wintry  nights; 
When  the  angry  breakers  roar 
As  they  beat  on  the  rocky  shore; 

When  Storm-clouds  brood  on  the  towering  heights 
Of  the  Hills  of  the  Chankly  Bore- 
Then,  through  the  vast  and  gloomy  dark 
There  moves  what  seems  a  fiery  spark, — 
A  lonely  spark  with  silvery  rays 
Piercing  the  coal-black  night, — 
A  Meteor  strange  and  bright: 
Hither  and  thither  the  vision  strays, 
A  single  lurid  light. 

[363] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Slowly  it  wanders,  pauses,  creeps, — 
Anon  it  sparkles,  flashes,  and  leaps; 
And  ever  as  ^nward  it  gleaming  goes 
A  light  on  the  Bong-tree  stems  it  throws. 
And  those  who  watch  at  that  midnight  hour 
From  Hall  or  Terrace  or  lofty  Tower, 
Cry,  as  the  wild  light  passes  along, — 
"  The  Dong!  the  Dong! 

The  wandering  Dong  through  the  forest  goes! 
The  Dong!  the  Dong! 

The  Dong  with  a  luminous  Nose!  " 

Long  years  ago 
The  Dong  was  happy  and  gay, 
Till  he  fell  in  love  with  a  Jumbly  Girl 
Who  came  to  those  shores  one  day. 
For  the  Jumblies  came  in  a  sieve,  they  did, — 
Landing  at  eve  near  the  Zemmery  Fidd 
Where  the  Oblong  Oysters  grow, 
And  the  rocks  are  smooth  and  grey. 
And  all  the  woods  and  the  valleys  rang 
With  the  Chorus  they  daily  and  nightly  sang, — 
*'  Far  and  few,  far  and  few. 
Are  the  lands  where  the  Jumblies  live; 
Their  heads  are  green,  and  their  hands  are  blue, 
And  they  went  to  sea  in  a  sieve/' 

Happily,  happily  passed  those  days ! 
While  the  cheerful  Jumbhes  staid; 
They  danced  in  circlets  all  night  long, 
To  the  plaintive  pipe  of  the  lively  Dong, 
In  moonlight,  shine,  or  shade. 

[364] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


For  day  and  night  he  was  always  there 
By  the  side  of  the  Jumbly  Girl  so  fair, 
With  her  sky-blue  hands  and  her  sea-green  hair; 
Till  the  morning  came  of  that  hateful  day 
When  the  Jumblies  sailed  in  their  sieve  away, 
And  the  Dong  was  left  on  the  cruel  shore 
Gazing,  gazing  for  evermore, — 
Ever  keeping  his  weary  eyes  on 
That  pea-green  sail  on  the  far  horizon, — 
Singing  the  Jumbly  Chorus  still 
As  he  sate  all  day  on  the  grassy  hill, — 
"  Far  and  few,  far  and  few. 

Are  the  lands  where  the  Jumblies  live; 

Their  heads  are  green,  and  their  hands  are  blue. 

And  they  went  to  sea  in  a  sieve." 

But  when  the  sun  was  low  in  the  West, 

The  Dong  arose  and  said, — 
"  What  little  sense  I  once  possessed 

Has  quite  gone  out  of  my  head  1 " 
And  since  that  day  he  wanders  still 
By  lake  and  forest,  marsh  and  hill, 
Singing,  "  O  somewhere,  in  valley  or  plain, 
Might  I  find  my  Jumbly  Girl  again! 
For  ever  I'll  seek  by  lake  and  shore 
Till  I  find  my  Jumbly  Girl  once  more ! " 
Playing  a  pipe  with  silvery  squeaks. 
Since  then  his  Jumbly  Girl  he  seeks; 
And  because  by  night  he  could  not  see. 
He  gathered  the  bark  of  the  Twangum  Tree 
On  the  flowery  plain  that  grows. 
And  he  wove  him  a  wondrous  Nose, — 
A  Nose  as  strange  as  a  Nose  could  be  1 
[365  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Of  vast  proportions  and  painted  red, 
And  tied  with  cords  to  the  back  of  his  head. 
In  a  hollow  rounded  space  it  ended 
With  a  luminous  lamp  within  suspended. 
All  fenced  about 
With  a  bandage  stout 
To  prevent  the  wind  from  blowing  it  out; 
And  with  holes  all  round  to  send  the  light 
In  gleaming  rays  on  the  dismal  night. 

And  now  each  night,  and  all  night  long, 
Over  those  plains  still  roams  the  Dong; 
And  above  the  wail  of  the  Chimp  and  Snipe 
You  may  hear  the  squeak  of  his  plaintive  pipe, 
While  ever  he  seeks,  but  seeks  in  vain. 
To  meet  with  his  Jumbly  Girl  again; 
Lonely  and  wild,  all  night  he  goes, — 
The  Dong  with  a  luminous  Nose! 
And  all  who  watch  at  the  midnight  hour. 
From  Hall  or  Terrace  or  lofty  Tower, 
Cry,  as  they  trace  the  Meteor  bright. 
Moving  along  through  the  dreary  night, — 
"  This  is  the  hour  when  forth  he  goes, 
The  Dong  with  a  luminous  Nose  I 
Yonder,  over  the  plain  he  goes, — 
He  goes! 
He  goes, — 
The  Dong  with  a  luminous  Nose  I" 


[366] 


THE  TWO  OLD  BACHELORS 


TWO  old  Bachelors  were  living  in  one  house ; 
One  caught  a  Muffin,  the  other  caught  a  Mouse. 
Said  he  who  caught  the  Muffin  to  him  who  caught  the  Mouse, — 
"  This  happens  just  in  timel    For  we've  nothing  in  the  house. 
Save  a  tiny  slice  of  lemon  and  a  teaspoonful  of  honey, 
And  what  to  do  for  dinner — since  we  haven't  any  money? 
And  what  can  we  expect  if  we  haven't  any  dinner, 
But  to  lose  our  teeth  and  eyelashes  and  keep  on  growing 
thinner?  " 

Said  he  who  caught  the  Mouse  to  him  who  caught  the  Muffin, — 
"  We  might  cook  this  little  Mouse,  if  we  only  had  some 
Stuffin'  I 

If  we  had  but  Sage  and  Onion  we  could  do  extremely  well; 
But  how  to  get  that  Stuffin'  it  is  difficult  to  tell !  " 

Those  two  old  Bachelors  ran  quickly  to  the  town 
And  asked  for  Sage  and  Onion  as  they  wandered  up  and  down ; 
They  borrowed  two  large  Onions,  but  no  Sage  was  to  be 
found 

In  the  Shops,  or  in  the  Market,  or  in  all  the  Gardens  round. 
[367] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

But  some  one  said,  "  A  hill  there  is,  a  little  to  the  north. 
And  to  its  purpledicular  top  a  narrow  way  leads  forth; 
And  there  among  the  rugged  rocks  abides  an  ancient  Sage, — 
An  earnest  Man,  who  reads  all  day  a  most  perplexing  page. 
Climb  up,  and  seize  him  by  the  toes, — all  studious  as  he  sits, — 
And  pull  him  down,  and  chop  him  into  endless  little  bits ! 
Then  mix  him  with  your  Onion  (cut  up  likewise  into  Scraps) , — 
When  your  Stuffin'  will  be  ready,  and  very  good — perhaps." 

Those  two  old  Bachelors  without  loss  of  time 
The  nearly  purpledicular  crags  at  once  began  to  climb; 
And  at  the  top,  among  the  rocks,  all  seated  in  a  nook, 
They  saw  that  Sage  a-reading  of  a  most  enormous  book. 

"You  earnest  Sage!"  aloud  they  cried,  "your  book  you've 

read  enough  in! 
We  wish  to  chop  you  into  bits  to  mix  you  into  Stuffin'  !  " 

But  that  old  Sage  looked  calmly  up,  and  with  his  awful  book, 
At  those  two  Bachelors'  bald  heads  a  certain  aim  he  took; 
And  over  Crag  and  precipice  they  rolled  promiscuous  down, — 
At  once  they  rolled,  and  never  stopped  in  lane  or  field  or  town ; 
And  when  they  reached  their  house,  they  found  (besides  their 

want  of  Stuffin' ) , 
The  Mouse  had  fled — and,  previously,  had  eaten  up  the  Muf- 
fin. 

They  left  their  home  in  silence  by  the  once  convivial  door ; 
And  from  that  hour  those  Bachelors  were  never  heard  of 
more. 


[368] 


THE  PELICAN  CHORUS 


KING  and  Queen  of  the  Pelicans  we; 
No  other  Birds  so  grand  we  seel 
None  but  we  have  feet  like  fins! 
With  lovely  leathery  throats  and  chins! 
Ploffskin,  Pluffskin,  Pelican  jeel 
We  think  no  Birds  so  happy  as  we! 
Plumpskin,  Ploshkin,  Pelican  jilll 
We  think  so  then,  and  we  thought  so  still! 

We  live  on  the  Nile.    The  Nile  we  love. 
By  night  we  sleep  on  the  cliffs  above; 
By  day  we  fish,  and  at  eve  we  stand 
On  long  bare  islands  of  yellow  sand. 
And  when  the  sun  sinks  slowly  down, 
And  the  great  rock  walls  grow  dark  and  brown, 
Where  the  purple  river  rolls  fast  and  dim 
And  the  Ivory  Ibis  starlike  skim. 
Wing  to  wing  we  dance  around. 
Stamping  our  feet  with  a  flumpy  sound, 
[370] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Opening  our  mouths  as  Pelicans  ought; 
And  this  is  the  song  we  nightly  snort, — 

Ploffskin,  Pluffskin,  Pelican  jee! 

We  think  no  Birds  so  happy  as  we! 

Plumpskin,  Ploshkin,  Pelican  jill! 

We  think  so  then,  and  we  thought  so  still  1 

Last  year  came  out  our  Daughter  Dell, 
And  all  the  Birds  received  her  well. 
To  do  her  honour  a  feast  we  made 
For  every  bird  that  can  swim  or  wade, — 
Herons  and  Gulls,  and  Cormorants  black. 
Cranes,  and  Flamingoes  with  scarlet  back, 
Plovers  and  Storks,  and  Geese  in  clouds, 
Swans  and  Dilberry  Ducks  in  crowds : 
Thousands  of  Birds  in  wondrous  flight  1 
They  ate  and  drank  and  danced  all  night, 
And  echoing  back  from  the  rocks  you  heard 
Multitude-echoes  from  Bird  and  Bird, — 

Ploffskin,  Pluff"skin,  Pehcan  jee! 

We  think  no  Birds  so  happy  as  we! 

Plumpskin,  Ploshkin,  Pelican  jill! 

We  think  so  then,  and  we  thought  so  still  I 

Yes,  they  came;  and  among  the  rest 
The  King  of  the  Cranes  all  grandly  dressed. 
Such  a  lovely  tail!    Its  feathers  float 
Between  the  ends  of  his  blue  dress-coat; 
With  pea-green  trowsers  all  so  neat. 
And  a  dehcate  frill  to  hide  his  feet 
(For  though  no  speaks  of  it,  every  one  knows 
He  has  got  no  webs  between  his  toes). 
As  soon  as  he  saw  our  Daughter  Dell, 
In  violent  love  that  Crane  King  fell, — 
[371] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


On  seeing  her  waddling  form  so  fair. 

With  a  wreath  of  shrimps  in  her  short  white  hair. 

And  before  the  end  of  the  next  long  day 

Our  Dell  had  given  her  heart  away; 

For  the  King  of  the  Cranes  had  won  that  heart 

With  a  Crocodile's  egg  and  a  large  fish-tart. 

She  vowed  to  marry  the  King  of  the  Cranes, 

Leaving  the  Nile  for  stranger  plains; 

And  away  they  flew  in  a  gathering  crowd 

Of  endless  birds  in  a  lengthening  cloud. 
Ploffskin,  Fluff  skin.  Pelican  jeel 
We  think  no  Birds  so  happy  as  we ! 
Plumpskin,  Ploshkin,  Pelican  jilll 
,We  think  so  then,  and  we  thought  so  still  1 

And  far  away  in  the  twilight  sky 

We  heard  them  singing  a  lessening  cry, — 

Farther  and  farther,  till  out  of  sight. 

And  we  stood  alone  in  the  silent  night! 

Often  since,  in  the  nights  of  June, 

We  sit  on  the  sand  and  watch  the  moon, — 

She  has  gone  to  the  Great  Gromboolian  Plain, 

And  we  probably  never  shall  meet  again! 

Oft,  in  the  long  still  nights  of  June, 

We  sit  on  the  rocks  and  watch  the  moon, — 

She  dwells  by  the  streams  of  the  Chankly  Bore. 

And  we  probably  never  shall  see  her  more. 

Ploffskin,  Pluffskin,  Pelican  jee! 

We  think  no  Birds  so  happy  as  we! 

Plumpskin,  Ploshkin,  Pelican  jill! 

We  think  so  then,  and  we  thought  so  still  I 

Note. — The  Air  of  this  and  the  following  song  by  Edward  Lear; 
the  Arrangement  for  the  Piano  hj  Professor  Pome,  of  San  Remo, 
Italy. 

[372  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

THE  YONGHY  BONGHY  BO. 


Ja^witb-odt  a  tULD-dle:  These  wan  all  hla  workllr  good<,    In  the  middle  of  tbewooda.TbeMwero 


[373] 


THE  COURTSHIP  OF  THE  YONGHY- 
B0NGHY-B5 


I 

ON  the  Coast  of  Coromandel 
Where  the  early  pumpkins  blow. 
In  the  middle  of  the  woods 
Lived  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 
Two  old  chairs,  and  half  a  candle, 
One  old  jug  without  a  handle, — 
These  were  all  his  worldly  goods, 
In  the  middle  of  the  woods. 
These  were  all  his  worldly  goods. 
Of  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6, 
Of  the  Yonghy-Bonghy  Bo. 

II 

Once,  among  the  Bong-trees  walking 
Where  the  early  pumpkins  blow. 

To  a  little  heap  of  stones 
Came  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. 
[374] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


There  he  heard  a  Lady  talking, 
To  some  milk-white  Hens  of  Dorking, — 
"  'T  is  the  Lady  Jingly  Jones  1 
On  that  httle  heap  of  stones 
Sits  the  lady  Jingly  Jones!  " 
Said  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6, 
Said  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 

Ill 

"Lady  Jingly!  Lady  Jingly! 

Sitting  where  the  pumpkins  blow, 
Will  you  come  and  be  my  wife? " 
Said  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 
"  I  am  tired  of  living  singly, — 
On  this  coast  so  wild  and  shingly, — 
I'm  a- weary  of  my  life; 
If  you'll  come  and  be  my  wife. 
Quite  serene  would  be  my  life!  " 
Said  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6, 
Said  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 

IV 

"  On  this  Coast  of  Coromandel 
Shrimps  and  watercresses  grow. 
Prawns  are  plentiful  and  cheap," 
Said  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 
"  You  shall  have  my  chairs  and  candle. 
And  my  jug  without  a  handle! 

Gaze  upon  the  rolling  deep 
'(Fish  is  plentiful  and  cheap) ; 
As  the  sea,  my  love  is  deep!  " 
Said  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6, 
Said  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 
[375] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


V 

Lady  Jingly  answered  sadly, 
And  her  tears  began  to  flow, — 

"  Your  proposal  comes  too  late, 
Mr.  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6 ! 
I  would  be  your  wife  most  gladly!  " 
(Here  she  twirled  her  fingers  madly,) 
"But  in  England  I've  a  mate! 
Yes !  you've  asked  me  far  too  late. 
For  in  England  I've  a  mate, 
Mr.  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6 1 
Mr.  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6! 

VI 

"  Mr.  Jones  (his  name  is  Handel, — 
Handel  Jones,  Esquire,  &  Co.) 

Dorking  fowls  delights  to  send, 
Mr.  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6! 
Keep,  oh,  keep  your  chairs  and  candle, 
And  your  jug  without  a  handle, — 

I  can  merely  be  your  friend ! 

Should  my  Jones  more  Dorkings  send, 

I  will  give  you  three,  my  friend! 
Mr.  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6 ! 
Mr.  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6! 

VII 

"  Though  you've  such  a  tiny  body. 
And  your  head  so  large  doth  grow, — 

Though  your  hat  may  blow  away, 
Mr.  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6! 
Though  you're  such  a  Hoddy  Doddy, 
[376] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Yet  I  wish  that  I  could  modi- 
fy the  words  I  needs  must  sayl 
Will  you  please  to  go  away 
That  is  all  I  have  to  say, 

Mr.  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6! 

Mr.  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6I" 

VIII 

Down  the  slippery  slopes  of  M)n*tle, 
Where  the  early  pumpkins  blow, 

To  the  calm  and  silent  sea 
Fled  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 
There,  beyond  the  Bay  of  Gurtle, 
Lay  a  large  and  lively  Turtle. 

*'  You're  the  Cove,"  he  said,  "  for  me; 
On  your  back  beyond  the  sea. 
Turtle,  you  shall  carry  me! " 
Said  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6, 
Said  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 


IX 

Through  the  silent-roaring  ocean 
Did  the  Turtle  swiftly  go; 
[377] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Holding  fast  upon  his  shell 
Rode  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 
With  a  sad  primseval  motion 
Towards  the  sunset  isles  of  Boshen 
Still  the  Turtle  bore  him  well. 
Holding  fast  upon  his  shell, 
Lady  Jingly  Jones,  farewell  I  " 
Sang  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 
Sang  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 

X 

From  the  Coast  of  Coromandel 
Did  that  Lady  never  go ; 

On  that  heap  of  stones  she  mourns 
For  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 
On  that  Coast  of  Coromandel, 
In  his  jug  without  a  handle 

Still  she  weeps,  and  daily  moans; 
On  that  little  heap  of  stones 
To  her  Dorking  Hens  she  moans, 
For  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6, 
For  the  Yonghy-Bonghy-B6. 


[378] 


THE  POBBLE  WHO  HAS  NO  TOES 


I 

THE  Pobble  who  has  no  toes 
Had  once  as  many  as  we; 
When  they  said,  "  Some  day  you  may  lose  them  all ;" 

He  replied,  "Fish  fiddle  de-dee!" 
And  his  Aunt  Jobiska  made  him  drink 
Lavender  water  tinged  with  pink; 
For  she  said,  "  The  World  in  general  knows 
There's  nothing  so  good  for  a  Pobble's  toes  1 " 

n 

The  Pobble  who  has  no  toes, 

Swam  across  the  Bristol  Channel; 
But  before  he  set  out  he  wrapped  his  nose 

In  a  piece  of  scarlet  flannel. 
For  his  Aunt  Jobiska  said,  "  No  harm 
Can  come  to  his  toes  if  his  nose  is  warm; 
And  it's  perfectly  known  that  a  Pobble's  toes 
Are  snfe — provided  he  minds  his  nose." 

Ill 

The  Pobble  swam  fast  and  well. 

And  when  boats  or  ships  came  near  him, 
[379] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


He  tinkledy-binkledy-winkled  a  bell 

So  that  all  the  world  could  hear  him. 
And  all  the  Sailors  and  Admirals  cried, 
When  they  saw  him  nearing  the  further  side, — : 
"  He  has  gone  to  fish,  for  his  Aunt  Jobiska's 
Runcible  Cat  with  crimson  whiskers  I" 

IV 

But  before  he  touched  the  shore, — 

The  shore  of  the  Bristol  Channel, 
A  sea-green  Porpoise  carried  away 

His  wrapper  of  scarlet  flannel. 
And  when  he  came  to  observe  his  feet. 
Formerly  garnished  with  toes  so  neat. 
His  face  at  once  became  forlorn 
On  perceiving  that  all  his  toes  were  gone  I 

V 

And  nobody  ever  knew. 

From  that  dark  day  to  the  present. 
Whoso  had  taken  the  Pobble's  toes, 

In  a  manner  so  far  from  pleasant. 
Whether  the  shrimps  or  crawfish  grey. 
Or  crafty  Mermaids  stole  them  away, 
N^obody  knew ;  and  nobody  knows 
How  the  Pobble  was  robbed  of  his  twice  five  toes ! 

VI 

The  Pobble  who  has  no  toes 

Was  placed  in  a  friendly  Bark, 
And  they  rowed  him  back,  and  carried  him  up 

To  his  Aunt  Jobiska's  Park. 
And  she  made  him  a  feast,  at  his  earnest  wish. 
Of  eggs  and  buttercups  fried  with  fish; 
And  she  said,  "  It's  a  fact  the  whole  world  knows. 
That  Pobbles  are  happier  without  their  toes." 
[  380  ] 


THE  NEW  VESTMENTS 


THERE  lived  an  old  man  in  the  Kingdom  of  Tess, 
Who  invented  a  purely  original  dress; 
And  when  it  was  perfectly  made  and  complete, 
He  opened  the  door  and  walked  into  the  street. 

By  way  of  a  hat  he'd  a  loaf  of  Brown  Bread, 

In  the  middle  of  which  he  inserted  his  head; 

His  Shirt  was  made  up  of  no  end  of  dead  Mice, 

The  warmth  of  whose  skins  was  quite  fluffy  and  nice; 

His  Drawers  were  of  Rabbit-skins,  so  were  his  Shoes ; 

His  Stockings  were  skins,  but  it  is  not  known  whose; 

His  Waistcoat  and  Trowsers  were  made  of  Pork  Chops ; 

His  Buttons  were  Jujubes  and  Chocolate  Drops; 

His  Coat  was  all  Pancakes,  with  Jam  for  a  border, 

And  a  girdle  of  Biscuits  to  keep  it  in  order; 

And  he  wore  over  all,  as  a  screen  from  bad  weather, 

A  Cloak  of  green  Cabbage-leaves  stitched  all  together. 

He  had  walked  a  short  way,  when  he  heard  a  great  noise. 
Of  all  sorts  of  Beasticles,  Birdlings,  and  Boys; 
And  from  every  long  street  and  dark  lane  in  the  town 
Beasts,  Birdies,  and  Boys  in  a  tumult  rushed  down. 
Two  Cows  and  a  Calf  ate  his  Cabbage-leaf  Cloak; 
Four  Apes  seized  his  Girdle,  which  vanished  like  smoke; 
Three  Kids  ate  up  half  of  his  Pancaky  Coat, 
And  the  tails  were  devour'd  by  an  ancient  He  Goat; 
An  army  of  Dogs  in  a  twinkling  tore  up  his 
Pork  Waistcoat  and  Trowsers  to  give  to  their  Puppies; 
[381] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


And  while  they  were  growling,  and  mumbling  the  Chops, 
Ten  Boys  prigged  the  Jujubes  and  Chocolate  Drops. 
He  tried  to  run  back  to  his  house,  but  in  vain, 
For  scores  of  fat  Pigs  came  again  and  again: 
They  rushed  out  of  stables  and  hovels  and  doors; 
They  tore  off  his  stockings,  his  shoes,  and  his  drawers; 
And  now  from  the  housetops  with  screechings  descend 
Striped,  spotted,  white,  black,  and  grey  Cats  without  end: 
They  jumped  on  his  shoulders  and  knocked  off  his  hat. 
When  Crows,  Ducks,  and  Hens  made  a  mincemeat  of  that; 
They  speedily  flew  at  his  sleeves  in  a  trice. 
And  utterly  tore  up  his  Shirt  of  dead  Mice; 
They  swallowed  the  last  of  his  Shirt  with  a  squall, — 
Whereon  he  ran  home  with  no  clothes  on  at  all. 

And  he  said  to  himself,  as  he  bolted  the  door, 
"  I  will  not  wear  a  similar  dress  any  more. 
Any  more,  any  more,  any  more,  never  morel  '* 


[382] 


MR.  AND  MRS.  DISCOBBOLOS 


I 

MR.  AND  MRS.  DISCOBBOLOS 
Climbed  to  the  top  of  a  wall. 
And  they  sate  to  watch  the  sunset  sky. 
And  to  hear  the  Nupiter  PifFkin  cry. 
And  the  Biscuit  Buffalo  call. 
They  took  up  a  roll  and  some  Camomile  tea, 
And  both  were  as  happy  as  happy  could  be, 
Till  Mrs.  Discobbolos  said, — 
"  Oh!  W!  X!  Y!  Z! 
It  has  just  come  into  my  head, 
Suppose  we  should  happen  to  fall!  !  !  !  ! 

Darling  Mr.  Discobbolos! 

n 

"  Suppose  we  should  fall  down  flumpetty. 
Just  like  pieces  of  stone. 
On  to  the  thorns,  or  into  the  moat. 
What  would  become  of  your  new  green  coat? 
And  might  you  not  break  a  bone? 
It  never  occurred  to  me  before. 
That  perhaps  we  shall  never  go  down  any  more!  " 
And  Mrs.  Discobbolos  said, 
"  Oh!  W!  X!  Y!  Z! 
What  put  it  into  your  head 
To  climb  up  this  wall,  my  own 

Darling  Mr.  Discobbolos?" 
[383] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


ni 

Mr.  Discobbolos  answered, 

"  At  first  it  gave  me  pain, 
And  I  felt  my  ears  turn  perfectly  pink 
When  your  exclamation  made  me  think 
We  might  never  get  down  again! 
But  now  I  believe  it  is  wiser  far 
To  remain  for  ever  just  where  we  are.'* 
And  Mr.  Discobbolos  said, 
"  Oh!  WI  X!  Y!  Z! 
It  has  just  come  into  my  head 
We  shall  never  go  down  again, 

Dearest  Mrs.  Discobbolos! " 

IV 

So  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Discobbolos 

Stood  up  and  began  to  sing, — 
*'  Far  away  from  hurry  and  strife 
Here  we  will  pass  the  rest  of  life. 
Ding  a  dong,  ding  dong,  ding! 
We  want  no  knives  nor  forks  nor  chairs, 
No  tables  nor  carpets  nor  household  cares; 
From  worry  of  life  we've  fled; 
Oh!  W!X!  Y!Z! 
There  is  no  more  trouble  ahead, 
Sorrow  or  any  such  thing, 

For  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Discobbolos! 


[384] 


MR.  AND  MRS.  DISCOBBOLOS 


SECOND  PAET 
I 

MR.  and  Mrs.  Discobbolos 
Lived  on  the  top  of  the  wall, 
For  twenty  years,  a  month  and  a  day, 
Till  their  hair  had  grown  all  pearly  grey, 
And  their  teeth  began  to  fall. 
They  never  were  ill,  or  at  all  dejected, 
By  all  admired,  and  by  some  respected. 
Till  Mrs.  Discobbolos  said, 
"  O,  W!X!  YlZI 
It  has  just  come  into  my  head, 
We  have  no  more  room  at  all  — 

Darling  Mr.  Discobbolos! 

n 

**  Look  at  our  six  fine  boys! 

And  our  six  sweet  girls  so  fair! 
Upon  this  wall  they  have  all  been  born. 
And  not  one  of  the  twelve  has  happened  to  fall 

Through  my  maternal  care ! 
Surely  they  should  not  pass  their  lives 
Without  any  chance  of  husbands  or  wives !  " 

And  Mrs.  Discobbolos  said, 

"  O,  W!  XI  YI  Z! 

Did  it  never  come  into  your  head 
That  our  lives  must  be  lived  elsewhere. 
Dearest  Mr.  Discobbolos? 
[385  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


III 

"  They  have  never  been  at  a  ball, 

Nor  have  even  seen  a  bazaar ! 
Nor  have  heard  folks  say  in  a  tone  all  hearty, 
*  What  loves  of  girls  (at  a  garden  party) 
Those  Misses  Discobbolos  are! ' 
Morning  and  night  it  drives  me  wild 
To  think  of  the  fate  of  each  darling  child  1  '* 
•But  Mr.  Discobbolos  said, 
"  O,  W!  XI  Y!  Z! 

iWhat  has  come  into  your  fiddledum  head  I 
What  a  runcible  goose  you  are ! 

Octopod  Mrs.  Discobbolos ! " 

IV 

Suddenly  Mr.  Discobbolos 

Slid  from  the  top  of  the  wall ; 
And  beneath  it  he  dug  a  dreadful  trench, 
And  filled  it  with  dynamite,  gunpowder  gench. 

And  aloud  he  began  to  call  — 
"  Let  the  wild  bee  sing. 
And  the  blue  bird  hum! 

For  the  end  of  your  lives  has  certainly  come!  " 

And  Mrs.  Discobbolos  said, 

"  O,  W!X!  Y!Z! 

We  shall  presently  all  be  dead. 
On  this  ancient  runcible  wall. 

Terrible  Mr.  Discobbolos ! " 

V 

Pensively,  Mr.  Discobbolos 

Sat  with  his  back  to  the  wall; 
He  lighted  a  match,  and  fired  the  train, 
[386] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


And  the  mortified  mountain  echoed  again 
To  the  sound  of  an  awful  fall  I 
And  all  the  Discobbolos  family  flew 
In  thousands  of  bits  to  the  sky  so  blue. 
And  no  one  was  left  to  have  said, 
"O,  W!X!  Y!Z! 
Has  it  come  into  anyone's  head 
That  the  end  has  happened  to  all 

Of  the  whole  of  the  Clan  Discobbolos? " 


[  387  ] 


THE  QUANGLE  WANGLE'S  HAT, 
I 

ON  the  top  of  the  Crumpetty  Tree 
The  Quangle  Wangle  sat. 
But  his  face  you  could  not  see, 

On  account  of  his  Beaver  Hat. 
For  his  Hat  was  a  hundred  and  two  feet  wide, 
With  ribbons  and  bibbons  on  every  side, 
And  bells,  and  buttons,  and  loops,  and  lace. 
So  that  nobody  ever  could  see  the  face 
Of  the  Quangle  Wangle  Quee. 

II 

The  Quangle  Wangle  said 

To  himself  on  the  Crumpetty  Tree, 
"  Jam,  and  jelly,  and  bread 
Are  the  best  of  food  for  me! 
But  the  longer  I  live  on  this  Crumpetty  Tree 
The  plainer  than  ever  it  seems  to  me 
That  very  few  people  come  this  way 
And  that  life  on  the  whole  is  far  from  gay  I " 
Said  the  Quangle  Wangle  Quee. 
[388] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


III 

But  there  came  to  the  Crumpetty  Tree 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Canary; 
And  they  said,  "  Did  ever  you  see 

Any  spot  so  charmingly  airy? 
May  we  build  a  nest  on  your  lovely  Hat? 
Mr.  Quangle  Wangle,  grant  us  that! 
O  please  let  us  come  and  build  a  nest 
Of  whatever  material  suits  you  best, 
Mr.  Quangle  Wangle  Quee  I " 

IV 

And  besides,  to  the  Crumpetty  Tree 

Came  the  Stork,  the  Duck,  and  the  Owl ; 
The  Snail  and  the  Bumble-Bee, 

The  Frog  and  the  Fimble  Fowl 
(The  Fimble  Fowl,  with  a  Corkscrew  leg)  ; 
And  all  of  them  said,  "  We  humbly  beg 
We  may  build  our  homes  on  your  lovely  Hat, — 
Mr.  Quangle  Wangle,  grant  us  that! 
Mr.  Quangle  Wangle  Quee ! " 

V 

And  the  Golden  Grouse  came  there, 

And  the  Pobble  who  has  no  toes. 
And  the  small  Olympian  bear. 

And  the  Dong  with  a  luminous  nose. 
And  the  Blue  Baboon  who  played  the  flute, 
And  the  Orient  Calf  from  the  Land  of  Tute, 
And  the  Attery  Squash,  and  the  Bisky  Bat, — 
All  came  and  built  on  the  lovely  Hat 
Of  the  Quangle  Wangle  Quee. 
[  389  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

VI 

And  the  Quangle  Wangle  said 

To  himself  on  the  Crumpetty  Tree, 
"  When  all  these  creatures  move 

What  a  wonderful  noise  there'll  be !  " 
And  at  night  by  the  light  of  the  Mulberry  moon 
They  danced  to  the  Flute  of  the  Blue  Baboon, 
On  the  broad  green  leaves  of  the  Crumpetty  Tree, 
And  aU  were  as  happy  as  happy  could  be, 
With  the  Quangle  Wangle  Quee. 


[390] 


THE  CUMMERBUND 


AN  INDIAN  POEM 
I 

SHE  sate  upon  her  Dobie, 
To  watch  the  Evening  Star, 
And  all  the  Punkahs,  as  they  passed, 
Cried,  "  My!  how  fair  you  are!  " 
Around  her  bower,  with  quivering  leaves, 

The  tall  Kamsamahs  grew. 
And  Kitmutgars  in  wild  festoons 
Hung  down  from  Tchokis  blue. 


II 

Below  her  home  the  river  rolled 

With  soft  meloobious  sound, 
Where  golden-finned  Chuprassies  swam. 

In  myriads  circhng  round. 
Above,  on  tallest  trees  remote 

Green  Ayahs  perched  alone. 
And  all  night  long  the  Mussak  moan'd 

Its  melancholy  tone. 


And  where  the  purple  Nullahs  threw 
Their  branches  far  and  wide, 

And  silvery  Gk)reewallahs  flew 
In  silence,  side  by  side, 
[391] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


The  little  Bheesties'  twittering  cry 

Rose  on  the  flagrant  air, 
And  oft  the  angry  Jampan  howled 

Deep  in  his  hateful  lair. 

IV 

She  sate  upon  her  Dobie, 

She  heard  the  Nimmak  hum. 
When  all  at  once  a  cry  arose, 

"  The  Cummerbund  is  come! " 
In  vain  she  fled:  with  open  jaws 

The  angry  monster  followed, 
And  so  (before  assistance  came) 

That  Lady  Fair  was  swollowed. 

V 

They  sought  in  vain  for  even  a  bone 

Respectfully  to  bury; 
They  said,  "  Hers  was  a  dreadful  fate!" 

(And  Echo  answered,  "  Very.") 
They  nailed  her  Dobie  to  the  wall. 

Where  last  her  form  was  seen, 
And  underneath  they  wrote  these  words, 

In  yellow,  blue,  and  green: 

"Beware,  ye  Fair!   Ye  Fair,  beware! 

Nor  sit  out  late  at  night. 
Lest  horrid  Cummerbunds  should  come. 

And  swollow  you  outright." 


NoTK. — First  published  in  Times  of  India,  Bombay,  July,  1874. 
[392  ] 


THE  AKOND  OF  SWAT. 


O,  or  why,  or  which,  or  what. 

Is  he  tall  or  short,  or  dark  or  fair? 
Does  he  sit  on  a  stool  or  a  sofa  or  chair, 

Is  he  wise  or  foolish,  young  or  old? 
Does  he  drink  his  soup  and  his  coffee  cold, 

Does  he  sing  or  whistle,  jabber  or  talk. 

And  when  riding  abroad  does  he  gallop  or  walk. 

Does  he  wear  a  turban,  a  fez,  or  a  hat? 
Does  he  sleep  on  a  mattress,  a  bed,  or  a  mat. 

When  he  writes  a  copy  in  round-hand  size, 
Does  he  cross  his  T's  and  finish  his  I's 

Can  he  write  a  letter  concisely  clear 
Without  a  speck  or  a  smudge  or  smear 

Do  his  people  like  him  extremely  well? 
Or  do  they,  whery;ver  they  can,  rebel,. 

If  he  catches  them  then,  either  old  or  young, 
Does  he  have  them  chopped  in  pieces  or  hung, 

Do  his  people  prig  in  the  lanes  or  park? 
Or  even  at  times,  when  days  are  dark. 

Does  he  study  the  wants  of  his  own  dominion? 
Or  doesn't  he  care  for  public  opinion 


Is  the  Akond  of  Swat? 


or  SQUAT? 

The  Akond  of  Swat? 

or  HOT, 

The  Akond  of  Swat? 

or  TROT, 

The  Akond  of  Swat? 

or  a  COT, 
The  Akond  of  Swat? 

with  a  DOT, 
The  Akond  of  Swat? 

or  BLOT, 

The  Akond  of  Swat? 

or  PLOT, 

At  the  Akind  of  Swat? 

or  shot. 
The  Akond  of  Swat? 

GAROTTE  ? 

O  the  Akond  of  Swat! 

a  JOT, 
The  Akond  of  Swat? 


[393] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


To  amuse  his  mind  do  his  people  show  him 
Pictures,  or  any  one's  last  new  poem. 

At  night  if  he  suddenly  screams  and  wakes. 
Do  they  bring  him  only  a  few  small  cakes. 

Does  he  live  on  turnips,  tea,  or  tripe? 
Does  he  like  his  shawl  to  be  marked  with  a  stripe, 

Does  he  like  to  lie  on  his  back  in  a  boat 
Like  the  lady  who  lived  in  that  isle  remote. 

Is  he  quiet,  or  always  making  a  fuss? 
Is  his  steward  a  Swiss  or  a  Swede  or  a  Russ, 

Does  he  like  to  sit  by  the  calm  blue  wave? 
Or  to  sleep  and  snore  in  a  dark  green  cave. 

Does  he  drink  small  beer  from  a  silver  jug? 
Or  a  bowl?  or  a  glass?  or  a  cup?  or  a  mug? 

Does  he  beat  his  wife  with  a  gold-topped  pipe, 
iWhen  she  lets  the  gooseberries  grow  too  ripe. 


or  WHAT, 

For  the  Akond  of  Swat? 

or  a  LOT, 
For  the  Akond  of  Swat? 

or  a  DOT, 
The  Akond  of  Swat? 

Shallott, 
The  Akond  of  Swat? 

or  a  Scot, 
The  Akond  of  Swat? 

or  a  OROTT, 
The  Akond  of  Swat? 

or  a  POT, 
The  Akond  of  Swat? 


or  ROT, 

The  Akond  of  Swat? 
Does  he  wear  a  white  tie  when  he  dines  with  friends. 


And  tie  it  neat  in  a  bow  with  ends. 

Does  he  like  new  cream,  and  hate  mince-pies? 
When  he  looks  at  the  sun  does  he  wink  his  eyes. 

Does  he  teach  his  subjects  to  roast  and  bake? 
Does  he  sail  about  on  an  inland  lake. 


or  a  KNOT, 
The  Akond  of  Swat? 


or  NOT, 

The  Akond  of  Swat? 


in  a  YACHT, 
The  Akond  of  Swat? 


Is  the  Akond  of  Swat! 


Some  one,  or  nobody,  knows  I  wot 
Who  or  which  or  why  or  what 

Note. — For  the  existence  of  this  potentate  see  Indian  newspapers, 
passim.  The  proper  way  to  read  the  verses  is  to  make  an  immense  emphasis 
on  the  monosyllabic  rhymes,  which  indeed  ought  to  be  shouted  out  by  a 
chorus. 

[394] 


INCIDENTS  IN  THE  LIFE  OF  MY  UNCLE 
ARLY 

I 

OMY  aged  Uncle  Arly! 
Sitting  on  a  heap  of  Barley 
Thro'  the  silent  hours  of  night, — 
Close  beside  a  leafy  thicket: — 
On  his  nose  there  was  a  Cricket, — 
In  his  hat  a  Railway-Ticket; — 

(But  his  shoes  were  far  too  tight.) 

n 

Long  ago,  in  youth,  he  squander'd 
All  his  goods  away,  and  wander'd 

To  the  Tiniskoop-hills  afar. 
There  on  golden  sunsets  blazing. 
Every  evening  found  him  gazing, — 
Singing, — "  Orb!  you're  quite  amazing! 

"  How  I  wonder  what  you  are!  " 

III 

Like  the  ancient  Medes  and  Persians, 
Always  by  his  own  exertions 

He  subsisted  on  those  hills ;  — 
Whiles, — by  teaching  children  spelling, — 
Or  at  times  by  merely  yelhng, — 
Or  at  intervals  by  selling 

"  Propter's  Nicodemus  Pills." 

[895] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


IV 

Later,  in  his  morning  rambles 

He  perceived  the  moving  brambles — 

Something  square  and  white  disclose; — 
*Twas  a  First-class  Railway  Ticket ; 
But,  on  stooping  down  to  pick  it 
Off  the  ground, — a  pea-green  Cricket 
Settled  on  my  uncle's  Nose. 

V 

Never — ^never  more, — oh!  never. 
Did  that  Cricket  leave  him  ever, — 

Dawn  or  evening,  day  or  night ; — 
Clinging  as  a  constant  treasure, — 
Chirping  with  a  cheerious  measure, — 
Wholly  to  my  uncle's  pleasure, — 

(Though  his  shoes  were  far  too  tight.) 

VI 

So  for  three-and-forty  winters. 
Till  his  shoes  were  worn  to  splinters, 

All  those  hills  he  wander'd  o'er, — 
Sometimes  silent; — sometimes  yelling; — 
Till  he  came  to  Borley-Melling, 
Near  his  old  ancestral  dwelling; — 

(But  his  shoes  were  far  too  tight.) 

VII 

On  a  little  heap  of  Barley 
Died  my  aged  uncle  Arly, 

And  they  buried  him  one  night; — 
Close  beside  the  leafy  thicket; — 
There, — his  hat  and  Railway-Ticket; — 
There, — his  ever-faithful  Cricket; — 

^(But  his  shoes  were  far  too  tight.) 
[  396  ] 


ECLOGUE 


COMPOSED  AT  CANNES,  DECEMBER  9TH,  1867 

{Interlocutors — Mr.  Lear  and  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Symonds.) 

Edwardus. — What  makes  you  look  so  black,  so  glum,  so  cross  ? 
Is  it  neuralgia,  headache,  or  remorse? 

Johannes. — What  makes  you  look  as  cross,  or  even  more  so? 
Less  like  a  man  than  is  a  broken  Torso? 

E. — What  if  my  life  is  odious,  should  I  grin? 
If  you  are  savage,  need  I  care  a  pin? 

J. — And  if  I  suffer,  am  I  then  an  owl? 

May  I  not  frown  and  grind  my  teeth  and  growl? 

E. — Of  course  you  may;  but  may  not  I  growl  too? 
May  I  not  frown  and  grind  my  teeth  like  you  ? 

J. — See  Catherine  comes  I    To  her,  to  her. 
Let  each  his  several  miseries  refer; 
She  shall  decide  whose  woes  are  least  or  worst, 
And  which,  as  growler,  shall  rank  last  or  first. 

Catherine. — Proceed  to  growl,  in  silence  I'll  attend. 

And  hear  your  foolish  growhngs  to  the  end; 
[397] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


And  when  they're  done,  I  shall  correctly  judge 
Which  of  your  griefs  are  real  or  only  fudge. 
"Begin,  let  each  his  mournful  voice  prepare, 
(And  pray,  however  angry,  do  not  swear!) 

J. — ^We  came  abroad  for  warmth,  and  find  sharp  cold! 
Cannes  is  an  imposition,  and  we're  sold. 

E. — Why  did  I  leave  my  native  land,  to  find 

Sharp  hailstones,  snow,  and  most  disgusting 
wind? 

J. — What  boots  it  that  we  orange  trees  or  lemons  see, 
If  we  must  suffer  from  such  vile  inclemency? 

E. — Why  did  I  take  the  lodgings  I  have  got. 
Where  all  I  don't  want  is: — all  I  want  not? 

J.— Last  week  I  called  aloud,  O!  O!  O!  01 

The  ground  is  wholly  overspread  with  snow! 
Is  that  at  any  rate  a  theme  for  mirth 
Which  makes  a  sugar-cake  of  all  the  earth  ? 

E. — Why  must  I  sneeze  and  snuffle,  groan  and  cough. 
If  my  hat's  on  my  head,  or  if  it's  off? 
Why  must  I  sink  all  poetry  in  this  prose. 
The  everlasting  blowing  of  my  nose? 

J. — When  I  walk  out  the  mud  my  footsteps  clogs, 
Besides,  I  suffer  from  attacks  of  dogs. 

E. — Me  a  vast  awful  bulldog,  black  and  brown. 
Completely  terrified  when  near  the  town; 
[398] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


As  calves,  perceiving  butchers,  trembling  reel. 
So  did  my  calves  the  approaching  monster  feel. 

J. — Already  from  two  rooms  we're  driven  away, 
Because  the  beastly  chimneys  smoke  all  day: 
Is  this  a  trifle,  say?    Is  this  a  joke? 
That  we,  like  hams,  should  be  becooked  in  smoke? 

E. — Say,  what  avails  it  that  my  servant  speaks 
Italian,  English,  Arabic,  and  Greek, 
Besides  Albanian :  if  he  don't  speak  French, 
How  can  he  ask  for  salt,  or  shrimps,  or  tench? 

J. — When  on  the  foolish  hearth  fresh  wood  I  place, 
It  whistles,  sings,  and  squeaks,  before  my  face: 
And  if  it  does  unless  the  fire  burns  bright, 
And  if  it  does,  yet  squeaks,  how  can  I  write? 

E. — Alas!  I  needs  must  go  and  call  on  swells, 

That  they  may  say,  "  Pray  draw  me  the  Es- 
trelles." 

On  one  I  went  last  week  to  leave  a  card, 
The  swell  was  out — the  servant  eyed  me  hard: 
"  This  chap's  a  thief  disguised,"  his  face  ex- 
pressed : 

If  I  go  there  again,  may  I  be  blest! 

J. — Why  must  I  suffer  in  this  wind  and  gloom? 
Roomattics  in  a  vile  cold  attic  room? 

E. — Swells  drive  about  the  road  with  haste  and  fury. 
As  Jehu  drove  about  all  over  Jewry. 
[  399  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


Just  now,  while  walking  slowly,  I  was  all  but 
Run  over  by  the  Lady  Emma  Talbot, 
Whom  not  long  since  a  lovely  babe  I  knew, 
With  eyes  and  cap-ribbons  of  perfect  blue. 

J. — ^Downstairs  and  upstairs,  every  blessed  minute. 
There's  each  room  with  pianofortes  in  it. 
How  can  I  write  with  noises  such  as  those? 
And,  being  always  discomposed,  compose? 

E. — Seven   Germans   through   my   garden  lately 
strayed. 

And  all  on  instruments  of  torture  played: 
They  blew,  they  screamed,  they  yelled:  how  can 
I  paint 

Unless  my  room  is  quiet,  which  it  ain't? 

J. — How  can  I  study  if  a  hundred  flies 

Each  moment  blunder  into  both  my  eyes? 

E. — How  can  I  draw  with  green  or  blue  or  red, 
If  flies  and  beetles  vex  my  old  bald  head? 

J. — How  can  I  translate  German  Metaphys- 
-Ics,  if  mosquitoes  round  my  forehead  whizz? 

E. — I've  bought  some  bacon  (though  it's  much  too 
fat), 

But  round  the  house  there  prowls  a  hideous  cat : 
Once  should  I  see  my  bacon  in  her  mouth. 
What  care  I  if  my  rooms  look  north  or  south? 
[400] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


J. — Pain  from  a  pane  in  one  cracked  window  comes, 
Which  sings  and  whistles,  buzzes,  shrieks  and 
hums; 

In  vain  amain  with  pain  the  pane  with  this  chord 
I  fain  would  strain  to  stop  the  beastly  discordl 

E. — If  rain  and  wind  and  snow  and  such  hke  ills 
Continue  here,  how  shall  I  pay  my  bills? 
For  who  through  cold  and  slush  and  rain  will 
come 

To  see  my  drawings  and  to  purchase  some? 
And  if  they  don't,  what  destiny  is  mine  ? 
How  can  I  ever  get  to  Palestine? 

J. — The  blinding  sun  strikes  through  the  olive  trees, 
When  I  walk  out,  and  always  makes  me  sneeze. 

E. — Next  door,  if  all  night  long  the  moon  is  shining, 
There  sits  a  dog,  who  wakes  me  up  with  whining. 

Cath. — Forbear!    You  both  are  bores,  you've  growled 
enough : 

No  longer  will  I  listen  to  such  stuff! 
All  men  have  nuisances  and  bores  to  afflict  'um : 
Hark  then,  and  bow  to  my  official  dictum! 
For  you,  Johannes,  there  is  most  excuse, 
(Some  interruptions  are  the  very  deuce), 
You're  younger  than  the  other  cove,  who  surelj 
Might  have  some  sense — besides,  you're  some- 
what poorly. 
This  therefore  is  my  sentence,  that  you  nurse 
The  Baby  for  seven  hours,  and  nothing  worse. 
[401  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


For  you,  Edwardus,  I  shall  say  no  more 
Than  that  your  griefs  are  fudge,  yourself  a  bore : 
Return  at  once  to  cold,  stewed,  minced,  hashed 
mutton — 

To  wristbands  ever  guiltless  of  a  button — 

To  raging  winds  and  sea  (where  don't  you  wish 

Your  luck  may  ever  let  you  catch  one  fish?)  — 

To  make  large  drawings  nobody  will  buy — 
To  paint  oil  pictures  which  will  never  dry — 
To  write  new  books  which  nobody  will  read — 
To  drink  weak  tea,  on  tough  old  pigs  to  feed — 
Till  spring-time  brings  the  birds  and  leaves  and 
flowers. 

And  time  restores  a  world  of  happier  hours. 


[402] 


NONSENSE  ALPHABETS 


was  an  Area  Arch 
Where  washerwomen  sat; 
They  made  a  lot  of  lovely  starch 
To  starch  Papa's  Cravat. 


B 


Which  was  not  very  small; 
Papa  he  filled  it  full  of  beer. 
And  then  he  drank  it  all. 


[  405  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


c 


C/  was  Papa's  grey  Cat, 

Who  caught  a  squeaky  Mouse; 
She  pulled  him  by  his  twirly  tail 
All  about  the  house. 


D 


D  was  Papa's  white  Duck, 
Who  had  a  curly  tail; 
One  day  it  ate  a  great  fat  frog, 
Besides  a  leetle  snail. 


[406] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


E 


was  a  little  Egg, 
Upon  the  breakfast  table; 
Papa  came  in  and  ate  it  up 
As  fast  as  he  was  able. 


was  a  little  Fish. 
Cook  in  the  river  took  it. 
Papa  said,  "  Cookl  Cook!  bring  a  dish  I 
And,  Cook!  be  quick  and  cook  it! " 


[407] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


G 


was  Papa's  new  Gun; 
He  put  it  in  a  box ; 
And  then  he  went  and  bought  a  bun. 
And  walked  about  the  Docks. 


H 


H  was  Papa's  new  Hat; 

He  wore  it  on  his  head ; 
Outside  it  was  completely  black, 
But  inside  it  was  red. 


[408] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 

I 


I  "was  m  Inkstand  new. 
Papa  he  likes  to  use  it; 
He  keeps  it  in  his  pocket  now. 
For  fear  that  he  should  lose  it. 


J 


J  was  some  Apple  Jam, 
Of  which  Papa  ate  part; 
But  all  the  rest  he  took  away 
And  stuffed  into  a  tart. 
[409] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


[410] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


T  ^  was  a  fine  new  Lamp; 

But  when  the  wick  was  lit, 
Papa  he  said,  "  This  Light  ain't  good! 
I  cannot  read  a  bit!  " 

M 


M 


was  a  dish  of  mince; 
It  looked  so  good  to  eat! 
Papa,  he  quickly  ate  it  up, 
And  said,  "  This  is  a  treat! 
[411] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


N 


was  a  Nut  that  grew 
High  up  upon  a  tree; 
Papa,  who  could  not  reach  it,  said, 
"  That's  much  too  high  for  me!  '* 

o 


was  an  Owl  who  flew 
All  in  the  dark  away, 
Papa  said,  "What  an  owl  you  are! 
Why  don't  you  fly  by  day? " 


[412] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


P 


was  a  little  Pig, 
Went  out  to  take  a  walk ; 
Papa  he  said,  "  If  Piggy  dead, 
He'd  all  turn  into  Pork!" 


was  a  Quince  that  hung 
Upon  a  garden  tree; 
Papa  he  brought  it  with  him  home. 
And  ate  it  with  his  tea. 


[418] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


R 


R  was  a  Railway  Rug 

Extremely  large  and  warm; 
Papa  he  wrapped  it  round  his  head, 
In  a  most  dreadful  storm. 


s 


S  was  Papa's  new  Stick, 

Papa's  new  thumping  Stick, 
To  thump  extremely  wicked  boys, 
Because  it  was  so  thick. 


[414] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


T 


T 

JL    was  a  tumbler  full 

Of  Punch  all  hot  and  good; 
Papa  he  drank  it  up,  when  in 
The  middle  of  a  wood. 


u 


T-J  was  a  silver  urn, 

Full  of  hot  scalding  water; 
Papa  said,  "  If  that  Urn  were  mine, 
I'd  give  it  to  my  daughter!  " 
[  415  ] 


.THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


was  a  Villain;  once 
He  stole  a  piece  of  beef. 
Papa  he  said,  "  Oh,  dreadful  man  I 
That  Villain  is  a  Thief!" 


was  a  Watch ^f  Gold: 

It  told  the  time  of  day, 
So  that  Papa  knew  when  to  come. 
And  when  to  go  away. 

[416] 


was  a  Youth,  who  kicked 
And  screamed  and  cried  like  mad; 
Papa  he  said,  "  Your  conduct  is 
Abominably  bad! " 

[417] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


z 


i2y  was  a  Zebra  striped 

And  streaked  with  lines  of  black; 
Papa  said  once,  he  thought  he'd  like 
A  ride  upon  his  back. 


[418] 


ALPHABET 


tumbled  down,  and  hurt  his  Arm,  against  a  bit  of  -wood, 
said,  "  My  Boy,  oh,  do  not  cry;  it  cannot  do  you  good!  " 
"  A  Cup  of  Coffee  hot  can't  do  you  any  harm." 
"  A  Doctor  should  be  fetched,  and  he  would  cure  the  arm." 
"  An  Egg  beat  up  with  milk  would  quickly  make  him  well." 
"  A  Fish,  if  broiled,  might  cure,  if  only  by  the  smell." 
"  Green  Gooseberry  fool,  the  best  of  cures  I  hold." 
"  Hi^  Hat  should  be  kept  on,  to  keep  him  from  the  cold." 
"  Some  Ice  upon  his  head  will  make  him  better  soon." 
"  Some  Jam,  if  spread  on  bread,  or  given  in  a  spoon  !  " 
"  A  Kangaroo  is  here, — this  picture  let  him  see." 
"  A  Lamp  pray  keep  alight,  to  make  some  barley  tea." 
"  A  Mulberry  or  two  might  give  him  satisfaction." 
"  Some  Nuts,  if  rolled  about,  might  be  a  slight  attraction." 
"  An  Owl  might  make  him  laugh,  if  only  it  would  wink." 
"  Some  Poetry  might  be  read  aloud,  to  make  him  think." 
"  A  Quince  I  recommend, — a  Quince,  or  else  a  Quail." 
"  Some  Rats  might  make  him  move,  if  fastened  by  their  tail." 
"  A  Song  should  now  be  sung,  in  hopes  to  make  him  laugh !  " 
"A  Turnip  might  avail,  if  sliced  or  cut  in  half!  " 
"  An  Urn,  with  water  hot,  place  underneath  his  chin !  " 
**  I'll  stand  upon  a  chair,  and  play  a  Violin !  " 
"  Some  Whisky-Whizzgigs  fetch,  some  marbles  and  a  ball !  " 
**  Some  double  XX  ale  would  be  the  best  of  all !  " 
"  Some  Yeast  mixed  up  with  salt  would  make  a  perfect 
plaster !  " 

said,  "  Here  is  a  box  of  Zinc  I    Get  in,  my  little  master ! 

We'll  shut  you  up !    We'll  nail  you  down !    We  will,  my 
little  master! 

We  think  we've  all  heard  quite  enough  of  this  your  sad 
disaster ! " 


[  419  ] 


HOW  PLEASANT  TO  KNOW  MR.  LEAR 


THE  following  lines  by  Mr.  Lear  were  written  for  a  young 
lady  of  his  acquaintance,  who  had  quoted  to  him  the 
words  of  a  young  lady  not  of  his  acquaintance,  "  How  Pleas- 
ant to  know  Mr.  Lear!  " 

"  How  pleasant  to  know  Mr.  Lear  I  '* 

Who  has  written  such  volumes  of  stuJff ! 
Some  think  him  ill-tempered  and  queer, 
But  a  few  think  him  pleasant  enough. 

His  mind  is  concrete  and  fastidious. 

His  nose  is  remarkably  big; 
His  visage  is  more  or  less  hideous. 

His  beard  it  resembles  a  wig. 

He  has  ears,  and  two  eyes,  and  ten  fingers. 
Leastways  if  you  reckon  two  thumbs; 

Long  ago  he  was  one  of  the  singers, 
JBut  now  he  is  one  of  the  dumbs. 

He  sits  in  a  beautiful  parlour. 

With  hundreds  of  books  on  the  wall; 

He  drinks  a  great  deal  of  Marsala, 
But  never  gets  tipsy  at  all. 

He  has  many  friends,  lay  men  and  clerical, 

Old  Foss  is  the  name  of  his  cat ; 
His  body  is  perfectly  spherical. 

He  weareth  a  runcible  hat. 

[420] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


When  he  walks  in  waterproof  white, 
The  children  run  after  him  so! 

Calling  out,  "  He's  come  out  in  his  night- 
Gown,  that  crazy  old  Englishman,  oh!" 

He  weeps  by  the  side  of  the  ocean, 
He  weeps  on  the  top  of  the  hill; 

He  purchases  pancakes  and  lotion, 
And  chocolate  shrimps  from  the  mill. 

He  reads,  but  he  cannot  speak,  Spanish, 
He  cannot  abide  ginger  beer: 

Ere  the  days  of  his  pilgrimage  vanish. 
How  pleasant  to  know  Mr.  Lear! 


[421] 


FROM  THE  LETTERS 


FROM  THE  LETTERS 


01  MIMBER  FOR  THE  COUNTY  LOUTH 

OMIMBER  for  the  County  Louth 
Residing  at  Ardee! 
Whom  I,  before  I  wander  South 
Partik'lar  wish  to  see: — 


I  send  you  this. — That  you  may  know 

I've  left  the  Sussex  shore, 
And  coming  here  two  days  ago 

Do  cough  for  evermore. 

Or  gasping  hard  for  breath  do  sit 

Upon  a  brutal  chair, 
For  to  lie  down  in  Asthma  fit 

Is  what  I  cannot  bear. 

Or  sometimes  sneeze :  and  always  blow 

My  well-developed  nose. 
And  altogether  never  know 

No  comfort  nor  repose. 

All  through  next  week  I  shall  be  here, 

To  work  as  best  I  may, 
On  my  last  picture,  which  is  near- 

-er  finished  every  day. 


[  425  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


THERE  WAS  AN  OLD  MAN  WHO  FELT  PERT 

THERE  was  an  old  man  who  felt  pert 
When  he  wore  a  pale  rose-coloured  shirt. 
When  they  said  "  Is  it  pleasant?  " 
He  cried  "  Not  at  present — 
It's  a  leetle  too  short — ^is  my  shirt  1  '* 


BUT  AH  I  (THE  LANDSCAPE  PAINTER  SAID) 

BUT  ah!  (the  Landscape  painter  said,), 
A  brutal  fly  walks  on  my  head 
And  my  bald  skin  doth  tickle ; 
And  so  I  stop  distracted  quite, 
(With  itching  skin  for  who  can  write?) 
In  most  disgusting  pickle — 


THERE  WAS  AN  OLD  PERSON  OF  PAXO 
rriHERE  was  an  old  person  of  Paxo 


JL     Which  complained  when  the  fleas  bit  his  back  so. 
But  they  gave  him  a  chair 
And  impelled  him  to  swear, 
Which  relieved  that  old  person  of  Paxo. 


[426] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


TENNYSONIAN  PARODIES 

1.  Like  the  Wag  who  jumps  at  evening 
All  along  the  sanded  floor. 

2.  To  watch  the  tipsy  cripples  on  the  beach, 
With  topsy  turvy  signs  of  screamy  play. 

3.  Tom-Morry  Pathos ; — all  things  bare, — 

With  such  a  turkey  1  such  a  hen ! 
And  scrambling  forms  of  distant  men, 
O! — ain't  you  glad  you  were  not  there! 

4.  Delirious  Bulldogs; — echoing,  calls 

My  daughter, — green  as  summer  grass: — 
The  long  supine  Plebeian  ass. 
The  nasty  crockery  boring  falls; — 

5.    Spoon  meat  at  Bill  Porter's  in  the  Hall, 
With  green  pomegranates,  and  no  end  of  Bass. 


01  CHICHESTER,  MY  CARLINGFORDl 


V-/    01  Parkinson,  my  Sam! 
O!  SPQ,  my  Fortescue! 
How  awful  glad  I  am ! 

For  now  you'll  do  no  more  hard  work 
Because  by  sudden  pleasing-jerk 

You're  all  at  once  a  peer, — 
Whereby  I  cry,  God  bless  the  Queen  1 
As  was,  and  is,  and  still  has  been, 

Yours  ever,  Edward  Lear. 


Chichester,  my  Carllngford! 


[  427  ] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


SAITH  THE  POET  OF  NONSENSE 

SAITH  the  Poet  of  Nonsense 
"  Thoughts  into  my  head  do  come 
Thick  as  flies  upon  a  plum." 


WHEN  "  GRAND  OLD  MEN  "  PERSIST  IN  FOLLY 

WHEN  "  Grand  old  men  "  persist  in  folly 
In  slaughtering  men  and  chopping  trees. 
What  art  can  soothe  the  melancholy 

Of  those  whom  futile  "  statesmen  "  teaze? 

The  only  way  their  wrath  to  cover 

To  let  mankind  know  who's  to  blame-o— 

Is  first  to  rush  by  train  to  Dover 
And  then  straight  onward  to  Sanremo. 


IT  IS  A  VIRTUE  IN  INGENUOUS  YOUTH 

IT  is  a  virtue  in  ingenuous  youth. 
To  leave  off  lying  and  return  to  truth. 
For  well  it's  known  that  all  religious  morals 
Are  caused  by  Bass's  Ale  and  South  Atlantic  Corals. 


[428] 


THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


HIS  GARDEN 


ND  this  is  certain;  if  so  be 


The  aspic  of  my  flowers  so  bright 
Would  make  you  shudder  with  delight. 

And  if  you  voz  to  see  my  rozziz 
As  is  a  boon  to  all  men's  nozziz, — 
You'd  fall  upon  your  back  and  scream — 
"  O  Lawk!    O  criky!  it's  a  dream!  " 


You  could  just  now  my  garden  see, 


[  429  ] 


/THE  COMPLETE  NONSENSE  BOOK 


I 


\ 


[430] 


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